nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, May 31, 2006

    one of the secret weapons of buzznet 

    is mr mark edge

    who turned me on to lots of cool music including The Bronx

    who just happen to be from Los Angeles, yeeee-uh

    they just wrapped up a residence at spaceland

    heres their video for They Will Kill Us All (Without Mercy)

    and a live version of that tune in Sydney, Australia

    because South Australian girls like to party

    probably the best new band in LA, next to Silly

  2. random advice from karisa 

    me: ok check it
    i saw a 12 pack of name brand condoms aat the 99 cents store
    durex i think
    ribbed for her pleasure
    do ladies really get pleasure from those things
    ps your answer will go on my blog

    Karisa: haha- no, they don’t.
    at least i never felt a difference
    it all feels like latex to me!

    me: its just enough to stare in the eyes of your lover as hes about to take you?
    everything else is just butterflies and cupcakes?

    Karisa: hahah- not maybe since i was 18

    me: question two, should a man buy his condoms at the ninety nine cents store – even if its a name brand manufacturer like durex.

    Karisa: well-
    i’ve gotten them off of ebay
    if they aren’t expired
    don’t appear tampered-with
    99 cent store is cheap
    but they are large enough where they can be sued for selling defective materials
    i don’t know if it is the same rule that applies to ‘salon hair products’- which are only guaranteed when sold in a salon
    but i doubt that is the case

    me: final question
    condom ettiquette

    some chicks dont like it when you flush the condom down their precious toilet
    and some dont like it in toilet paper in their waste basket
    what are your thoughts?

    Karisa: well i don’t think you should flush it-
    that isn’t good for the septic system
    but it depends on their situation, i guess
    involved and you shouldn’t be there?? [wink]

    me: cough… magnum

    Karisa: as long as it is in the garbage, wrapped, it is fine

    me: thank you so much for your advice

    Karisa: hahah- it is hardly advice [wink]
    but your welcome

    superhero princess + pauly + colin + tankboy + ashley

  3. haloscan wont let me close comments 

    and i dont really like limiting speech anyway, but thank you all for your nice words on my summer vacation post.

    i have a good friend who can see into the future. the bible says that its cheating if you go to a medium, but that doesnt mean that im not sometimes tempted. hell, im all the time tempted.

    the only thing i would ask her is how long will this summer vacation last for. that way i would know whether to go on an excellent road trip or just go to vegas for the weekend and meet japanese girls.

    i dont think im reading enough bukowski. if theres one thing that the master has taught us is youre going to get fired. or better yet, youre going to be unemployed a bunch. that you should just go with the flow.

    no one ever said everythings gonna work out.

    even in the bible moses never made it to the promised land.

    when i wrote down the things i did at buzznet i did it for a few reasons. the first was to remind myself because i have a terrible memory.

    the second was to remind myself of things that can happen if i get out of the house. deep down im terribly shy and i enjoy the comfort of a small dark house high speed internet directv and one or two cheerleaders. not only going to parties but hosting parties is pretty much out of my comfort zone. and airplane travel is something that i’ll leave to the businessmen and people who roll around their carryon.

    and the third reason was remind myself to stay in jobs where i can get paid to do the things that i love.

    today i dropped off the laptop and camera and it was all smiles and handshakes. and yes i do plan on continuing to use their wide array of products. i was in before i worked there, id be silly to stop after taking some of their money. if you recall bill veeck worked one summer for the cubs and it was his idea to plant the ivy out there. later he would end up owning the white sox for many years. but if you remember when he retired youd see him out int he bleachers at wrigley with his shirt off, his wooden leg glimmering in the sun, and his cup of beer beside him.

    its 11am and im back in my pajamas as acdc is on. for those about to rock. when i got home there was a big box at my front door. what was in the box? a little bong was in it. there was a note of encouragement and it was signed “the fans”. next to the box was the biggest baggie ziplock ive ever seen tucked into a manilla envelope. inside ziplock it was buldging full of what the kids call weed.

    unfortunately im straight edge now. and its not even like that shit would work on me anymore, but i do appreciate the gesture. and someone worthy might come by needing something like that.

    what i need is exactly what im getting, good weather, good music, a healthy stream of pornography thank you ladies, and of course good health.

    yesterday i went to the doctor for my check up after he cured me. he told me that i had normal blood pressure, no diseases, and low cholestorol. the first person i thought of was karisa because she knows exactly the sort of drive-thru diet that i have and she is constantly on my ass about my cholestorol and i called her as soon as i left him and i was all ha ha! the doc says some people just process it better than others. but i told him i was going to start playing basketball again which is true. compton high wednesday nights bitches.

    which brings me back to the nudes. who are you people? i love you! that is all.

    today will consist of taking a good inventory of my fantasy baseball teams, a visit to frys electronics to return some defective merchandise – surprise, a rental of xmen 2 so i can see xmen 3, avoiding writing a book, avoiding reading a book, actually re-reading Cruddy which i highly recommend, ten sit ups, a very long shower.

    and avoidence of filling up my tank because full tanks could lead to very long road trips without the proper house sitter laundry mix cd creation impromptu ridiculousness.

    and then i wouldnt be around for when flagrant formally asks me to be her private bodyguard. which of course would consist of me hiring an actual bodyguard at half my rate and being her chauffer with the profits.

    you people laugh but if britney spears hasnt taught you anything shes taught you the importance of a good chauffer.

    so to review, read bukowski, read the bible, read veeck as in wreck, read cruddy and learn from britney. peaceout. ps i talked to chris in africa on saturday and she was all hollywood where you at. i was all hey have you taught those people the macarena yet? and she laughed and said no. and i was all good let me teach it to them. and she was all be my guest and laughed and laughed.

    listen to tsar

    flagrant disregard + her roadtrip pics + ann e ferris + raspberry at sasquatch

  4. i was thinking about not writing on here this summer 

    and just posting videos with a little clarifying text to go along with it.

    an extended caption of sorts.

    but i dont think you people would let me get away with that.

    in 1986 the replacements were in a difficult situation.

    they had just signed with Sire Records, a division of Warner Bros who had seen great success with acts like madonna, talking heads, and depeche mode. unfortunately on Let It Be, their last record at the independent minnesotan lable Twin/Tone, the Mats had recorded a beautiful mostly-instrumental track called “Seen Your Video” which ends “seen your video/it’s phony rock n roll/we dont wanna know/we dont wanna know”…

    the final lyrics, it is assumed come at the end of the tune when MTV would show the band’s name and album title, etc.

    the replacements had never released a video for any of thier singles, up until that point, complaining among other concerns – idealistic and otherwise – that they were too ugly to be in a video.

    but most of the time they simply said that videos were lame and took away from the personal and unique experience that each person has with music.

    1986 found the Replacements on basically a major label and homie didnt play that no-video hippie bullshit. but the replacements were these quasi punk quasi godfathers and forefathers of grunge. they couldnt just release a video as soon as signing to sire.

    and yet they had to. the label had signed them in order to sell records and in the 80s everyone had a video in hopes of it getting on mtv.

    so the replacements gave in and in doing so made the greatest video of all time.

    a still camera, a throbbing speaker, an unidentified hand and cigarette, and in the end, violence. as a record spins.

    in black n white.

    far too good for mtv who raved about it on 120 minutes and even on the headbanger’s ball, but sometimes its just too bad if youre too good and Tim never took off despite being one of the greatest records of the 80s, and what some consider the Replacements’ best ever. like me.

    yesterday a topless college girl in washington performed a very nice reworking of the classic on whats gotta be near its 20-year anniversary.

    “bastards of young” (westerberg)

    God, what a mess, on the ladder of success
    Where you take one step and miss the whole first rung

    Dreams unfulfilled, graduate unskilled

    And Pete’s pickin’ cotton and waitin’ to be forgotten

    We are the sons of no one, bastards of young
    We are the sons of no one, bastards of young
    The daughters and the sons…

    Clean your baby womb, trash that baby boom
    Elvis in the ground, there’ll ain’t no beer tonight
    Income tax deduction, what a hell of a function
    And Pete’s pickin’ cotton and waitin’ to be forgotten

    We are the sons of no one, bastards of young
    We are the sons of no one, bastards of young
    The daughters and the sons…

    Willingness to claim us,
    ya got no word to name us

    The ones who love us best are the ones we’ll lay to rest
    And visit their graves on holidays at best

    The ones who love us least are the ones we’ll die to please
    If it’s any consolation, I don’t begin to understand them

    We are the sons of no one, bastards of young
    We are the sons of no one, bastards of young

    The daughters and the sons

    take a shower take a shower take a shower

    i believe the young lady was almost one years old when the LP was released.

    larger version of the pants video + westerberg, skyway acoustic + replacements live 1981 customer

  5. Tuesday, May 30, 2006

    for almost an entire week 

    cuz a bitch ate oneclay aiken” has been the number one search phrase on Technorati, it’s also been one of the most-tagged phrases in people’s blogs.

    lets see what the last few blogs have said in reference to america’s most loved runner up.

    … Herschell has played thousands of clubs, bars, and dives all over America opening for acts including Molly Hatchet, Gwar; Culture Club and Clay Aiken. He enjoys water polo, shooting automatic weapons, horror movies, and raising cows.


    … As I began to regain my eyesight (and sense of feeling in my upper body) I discovered that the only source of fat, complex-almost-cancerous carbohydrates, and cholestorol thick enough to clog Clay Aiken’s anus was a Swanson Hungry Man Southern Fried Chicken that has been hibernating in our freezer for about 3 equinoxes. So I threw it in our plutonium-powered gamma ray flash-heater: the microwave oven.


    Why dear God are so many people still talking about Clay Aiken???

    Why is he still rated so high on all the search engines of internetville, have you seen what he looks like now! I understand that he sings so loverly and stuff, but come on, he hasn’t done an album in like 2-3 years and he showed up on American Idol looking like a really ugly chick. I will never understand the obsession so many people have with Clay Aiken…ok I rest my freakin’ case.

    hollywood gossip whores

    If anyone has pictures of Clay Aiken with his sexy longish dark hair, hook me up, cos I love him!


    I’ve told you so many times that you look like Clay Aiken. Ok not as gay as Gayken, but similar features and subconscious movements. I realised that since AI2003.

    First and foremost – the smile. Look at the loopsided senget smile that Aiken has. This grin if you scrutinize closely from front, left and right look exactly like yours. 2nd, the hair, he has similar hair as yours. 3rd, his laughter or giggle is exactly like yours.
    And whatever style he did with his hair, hey man, you have done it too. You had this look when I first met you, didn’t you? And the same slouch and gait. Oh, look at those chubby cheeks.
    But Aiken’s eyes are not as deepset as yours. You have more of Toby’s eyes and the chin too. But only those two, for the rest of the features – Aiken is your lookalike.

    OMG I’m dating Clay Aiken!


    Kinda random stuff:

    but what has happend to my beloved Britney Spears. I was slaaaaave 4 her! But now wtf? Kfed what have u done to her? or should I blame Sean Preston? I want my baby back baby back=(

    Is everyone in Europe ridiculously good looking? Yes! Specially in Spain, France, England, Italy, Ireland, Switzerland, Germany, Greece, I could keep going but Daham, the girls girls girls!!

    I still have no mothafokkin clue whats goin on Lost saw the season finale yesturday, also I was a lil upset to find out a gray haired senior citizen won American Idol? Hicks is it? How funny was the Clay Aiken look alike! he almost had a seizure. Hes right though Clay Aiken=pure hotness! O ya-


    thats what youve been missing.

    grace + floorpie + sean bonner + get well leck

  6. me: raymi what are you wearing 

    raymi: oh sorry im, im wearing these pants i just cut into short/pants that are black cords and i look amazing
    and cowboy boots
    with pink and blue striped sox sticking out
    and a white tank top thing and a lot of makeup

    me: why arent you wearing a bikini, i thought it was hot over there?

    2:03 PM raymi: cos i am going to be meeting some lady friends in an hour on a patio and i am practising wearing clothes

    me: are you guys gonna have a pretend tea party?

    2:04 PM raymi: yes but the pretending will be real and the tea with be huge booze drinks

    me: what will be the topics of discussion on the table?
    … do you predict.

    2:05 PM raymi: morphine ex loser boyfriends obesity funny things i said or did once

    me: ive only done demerol, never morphine

    2:06 PM raymi: ive done neither

    me: dont fret, yr young

    raymi: aha

    me: did who you wanted to win win american idol

    2:07 PM raymi: that wasnt english

    me: you dont speak french all of a sudden? i thought you were canadian.

    2:08 PM raymi: i meant
    oh nevermind
    i didnt see who won was it the grey head guy

    me: yes
    why dont you watch Lost either

    raymi: HE WON!
    oh cos i dont
    2:09 PM i have never seen an episode of sopranos

    me: i cant believe im telling you this almost a week later

    raymi: i like huff tho
    well sorry

    me: prince played, it was killer
    why dont you watch more tv, is toronto really that fascinating?

    2:10 PM raymi: prince is too gay for me. i saw him and i turned it off.
    oh i watch othe rstuff like movies and i play video games
    and i write stories

    2:11 PM me: baby ive seen the gay shit that you put on your blog. there is Nothing too gay for you.

    speaking of which. lets come out with books soon
    i started writing one yesterday

    2:12 PM raymi: im writing one
    i started a month ago

    me: write something every day for 100 days
    good you need a head start
    youre a girl

    raymi: i dont put gay things on my blog my blog is awesome
    whats yer book

    me: your blog is awesome despite the gayshit
    its a novel autobiography
    mostly real but fake parts when i slow down

    raymi: tell me one gay thing on it
    2:13 PM and maybe i put gay things on it if i put gay things on it maybe i put them there for a reason

    me: i trust your reasons
    no one has hyped your blog more than i

    raymi: thats true
    but what was gay?

    2:15 PM me: didnt you have a guy getting blown by another guy next to a tree?
    last time i checked that was borderline gay.

    raymi: well that’s FUNNY!

    me: i never said it wasnt funny.

    2:17 PM raymi: excellent
    2:18 PM me: oki guess that does it for this interview
    raymi: i wonder what i will eat tonite

    me: ok blow fil for us

    raymi: ew
    hey wait

    me: yes baby?

    raymi: what did the 1 say to the 11

    2:19 PM me: ahhhh idont know

    raymi: who’s your friend?
    also what did the 0 say to the 8 ?

    me: ahahahaha
    later raymi!!

    science blog + flagrant should write about teen boy syndrome + xTx + raymi

  7. hot chick was on me last night, i was drunk 

    i didn’t know how she got there. if there was a web cam in my house maybe you people could see that lots of times things just happen to me. i have very little control over the circumstances.

    life is fuzzy. things fade in and out. my legitimate kids will never have to worry about tv reception, but it’s like that sometimes. flashes like a strobe light.

    bowling. riding. drinking. smoking. church members. bicycles. back door. phone ringing. groceries still on the floor. knock at the door. phone ringing. ice cream. soda. phone still ringing. pee. door bell rings. take off shirt. take off shorts. take off shoes. oops. cell phone rings. turn on computer.

    people know i don’t open my door at night still they try to trick me with fancy knocks. heres the secret knock to get me to open the door: don’t knock. don’t ring the bell either. don’t call the phone, don’t call the cell phone. get me on instant messenger or write an email.

    better yet, write about me on your blog.

    blonde girl wrote about me on her secret blog. then she instant messaged my ass. phone rang. unplugged the phone.

    she said she wanted me to call her and talk dirty. i said i just unplugged the phone.

    she said she wanted to come over just to sleep.

    i said we’re not just going to sleep.

    then she said things that are the right things to say to a drunken man who had just bowled a 95 and was served three shots of 151. she said i was beautiful. she said that no one touched her like i did. i asked, with my hands? she said with your hands with your mouth with your words with your thoughts.

    i told her all i had were dirty thoughts and she said sexy isnt dirty then she said that i taught her that. then i said i was going to bed. then she said she was coming over to leave the gate open.

    went to bed. let the gate open. fell asleep. woke up. is someone trying to kill me. kill me then. fell back asleep. who’s saying my name. who’s whispering my name. who’s playing with my chest hair. who’s telling me i have gray chest hairs. three of them. four of them.

    who’s telling me they don’t care if i don’t wake up. that they know how to wake up.

    who’s awake.

    originally posted, may 30, 2003

  8. Monday, May 29, 2006