it might seem like i have had a lot of girlfriends

but i havent. and ive only had one first girlfriend. her name is mary and today is her birthday.

mary and i met in the suburbs of america. she was tall and blonde with blue eyes and a huge smile and i was not tall not blonde and starstruck. i was afraid to even talk to her, she seemed like a goddess from another planet. she definately didnt belong in our town, and sure enough she was only visiting.

her friend was one of those weird lame chicks who you really shouldnt blow off because those girls always seem to have one super fine best friend. in this case that friend was mary.

im not exactly sure how i got her number, but i did and soon we were talking on the phone three times a week, and then every day and then twice a day.

this went on for years.

even though she said i was her best friend, i didnt believe it. even though she was clearly into me, i was young, i was in high school, what the heck did i know. we never went on dates, we hardly did anything together because she lived several towns away and i didnt have a car at 15… legally.

we did go to a few hockey games, we went rollerskating maybe once, but that was it. the only time i ever saw her in person was when her mom drove her back over to our town to hang out with Susie.

one day Mary told me that her dad was going to transfer to california. i was crushed. it wasnt going to happen for a few months, but it was then that i knew i had to make my move. at this point took fate in my own hands and i stole my mothers car and we went to see “Wargames” with matthew broderick. i wanted to make a move on her then but it was such a great film that i didnt know what to do and i got a hug goodnight.

the next week we went to see Steve Martin’s “the man with two brains”. it was funny, but in her driveway tom petty’s “breakdown” came on the radio and i knew it was a sign above saying “feel her up! take off your pants! show her your sausage!” but i was very shy so all i did was lean over and kiss her.

and then i floated home.

when i got there my mom thought i was on drugs. and she grounded me for stealing the car.

a few weeks later mary and i made out on her school’s playground, and then a week later at mine. we did it there because we had some good memories there but bad ones too. so every place where someone did something mean to us or bad, we made out, and it washed away those bad memories. fortunately for me i had a lot of bad shit happen to me. but after a while i only had good memories.

and today as she celebrates her 29th birthday i send this message in a bottle to the girl who will always be in my heart.

moxie + dave + ex playboy bunnies