nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, May 26, 2006

    so guess whose summer vacation just suddenly arrived? 

    ice cream man coachella mine.

    hi tony.

    hi vacation?

    i didnt think i was going to have a summer vacation, and ive gotta say, i was a little jealous of a lot of bloggers out there who were all pumped that their finals were over or they were graduating, and that they were going to laze into trying to find a little job to get their parents off their back, but mostly work on hitting the sand surf and suntan oil.

    why is it that may has found me unemployed two years in a row now?

    because the Lord loves me? lets pretend that thats why.

    who knows, its probably true.

    mid october i started working at buzznet. immediately i was sent to nyc to attend the BlogOn conference with mc brown. we threw our first east coast Buzznet meetup party at Lolita in chinatown. ironically i was abducted by a couple of lolitas right after meeting jamie and his girl, and several other manhattanites, but i managed to escape in the morning. i also hung with AJ who i hadnt seen in quite a while, scott and tons of friends, hung with amy, met jeff jarvis, met my book agent, and even ate with anne ferris. and saw the daily show, thanks to jason ross.

    as soon as we got back to LA we had a Los Angeles Buzznet meetup back when the office was sort of still a loft. i met so many buzznetters who i’d always admired, but never met. plus a lot of the girls from my old job at look-look showed up and i had missed them so that was killer.

    that next week one of buzznet’s biggest bands was playing at the wiltern. fall out boy. they were playing with panic! at the disco and motion city soundtrack. so i was sent down there to pass out flyers about buzznet and take pics of the kids in line. the kids were wonderful and now panic! is a top 40 band. i took over 100 pics.

    i would have gone to the show but i had to run over to Tower on Sunset to take a bunch of pics of Tsar doing an instore. then i ate a burrito and hustled back to the strip to take a bunch more pics of tsar who rocked the roxy.

    a few weeks later i was flown to vancouver, bc, canada where we had our first canadian buzznet meetup. i hung out with matt good and took tons of pics and from the best ones i made this photo essay. i met so many cool canadians it was ridiculous. i was treated like the queen. id be back.

    juliette lewisi got back to LA in enough time to take over 100 pictures at the Doo Dah parade. and that night i went to see Juliette Lewis and the Licks play with Tsar. i took hella pics including that crazy one of juliette on the right, who i adore. tsar ruled too, fyi.

    a week later i flew to chicago and for a thanksgiving Chicago Buzznet Meetup. among others i got to meet jessica and erin who partied with me and bob all night. as in All night. so fun. hi kids from oswego. hi brian and byron. the best part of the meetup was it was in the shadows of wrigley field. so rad.

    the first week of december found me at the virgin at hollywood and highland for an inxs in-store. inxs was working with buzznet at the time so i got to take a bunch of pics for them for inxs.com and buzznet. it was an honor.

    a few days later i shot a ton of pics of tsar at spaceland where they were just named one of the top bands in los angeles by the LA Weekly. my highlight was getting a half dozen pics of poison guitarist cc deville with rocket and tsar.

    my mind is fuzzy but i think somewhere in december i helped buzznet have their biggest hit day ever, biggest hit week, and biggest day of signups. we all hugged each other and it was decided that i was the man, because i had used the guidelines given to me from the book buzzmarketing to create attention and news to our site.

    to celebrate i drove up to san francisco where i hung out again with jessica and many other cool kids where we sang karaoke. by we i dont mean me. then i drove up through northern california to umpqua oregon and celebrated Christmas in Eugene. i pretty much worked every day of this so called vacation. not because i had to but because i wanted to. i loved doing what i was doing.

    after Christmas i drove up through some rainbows to tacoma and actually sang karaoke with the pants who is far more beautiful in real life. the next day i drove through seattle to take pics of kurt kobains old neighborhood and his old house.

    made it to vancouver again, had sushi with mr good again. turned around the next day, drove through oregon and tried to go down the 1 but there was super flooding happening. i saw a dead cow in an overflooded river. it was so sad. got stuck in southern oregon. worked from the motel. got up in the morning and took lots of pics.

    got home on new years day and took pics of the rain coming down on the rose parade.

    in the middle of january koganuts from virgin megastore started inviting me and buzznet to some of their secret shows. the first one was with giant drag. i took pics. i wasnt very good with the camera that we had bought. but i was there. i did what i could. a week later we were invited to the Coachella The Movie premiere. i took a bunch of pics there on the red carpet including my hero the cobrasnake.

    near the end of the month i was on a date with a super hot chick when heather graham showed up to have her birthday party there. i took this picture which got linked by defamer. heather’s way hotter than that but we had both been drinking for many hours at that point. me, i had been drinking for 6 hours by then. of course cobrasnake was there.

    a few weeks later my true love Chris moved off to africa. i said let me take some pics. she said no. i said baby i work for a photo sharing community, i sorta have to. plus your cans look great in that shirt, i mean your eyes are so beautiful. she sneered and almost smiled. then she smiled. then she almost cried.

    a few days after that, this is february by the way, i was sent to Amsterdam by the dutch government. i figured this would be a good time to have our first european buzznet meet up. i got to meet bicyclemark, the dude from americablog, justagirl and tons of other cool kids. it was cold but i took shittons of pics and even found some pics to put on buzznet that got us tens of thousands of hits. i know it may have looked like a vacation but i worked and produced and got buzznet some great attention. justagirl even got to hear me vomit. lucky babe.

    blogging while black sxswtwo weeks after i returned i was being sent to Austin Texas for SXSW. i got to meet leah for the first time which was a thrill because we’d been reading each other since she was 15. i got to speak on two panels. i met sooooo many cool people it was retarded. i got interviewed a bunch. and me and marc saw tons of bands and took tons of pics and video. in fact almost every night i was at the red bull house, of which we were co-sponsors and we were mentioned the usa today blog pop candy.

    i worked and partied every night till 3am almost every single night. asher was great, bunny was great, the pants, ev and robert, marc canter, dan and sara, the fajita prince, dooce and jon, halley and scoble – they were all killer. i even got to take a few hundred pics of one of our most popular Buzznet band, my chemical romance. far more pics of them than anyone on the web. plus i was blogging on the buzznet blog almost every day. oh and we got to hang with the texas roller girls, of whom i took buckets of pics.

    despite all the hits i generated for buzznet, or all the kickass people i met, or attention i brought to them, probably my proudest moment were those ten days that we covered sxsw interactive and music. no other outlet covered it every day, took tons of pics, took tons of video, and wrote about it every damn day. not pitchfork, not mtv, not anyone. i was there even after it was over to see how the locals rocked. the best bands of the event? the bellrays, honkey, and the go! team.

    it was there that i got sick and didnt recover until this week. exhaustion? burn-out? stress? who knows. all i do know is i got a day off when i returned and i was back at it the day after that and i wanted to be at it. i loved what we had done and coachella was right around the corner.

    when i got home i took pics of Hard-Fi at the virgin private show thing. they were rad.

    the next week i found myself in toronto slash waterloo for a one night only toronto buzznet meet up. i was there for 24 hours. just enough time to see toronto for the first time, catch a matt good show, and go to a strip club with pitt and chad and mikey and fil and raymi and a few others. i also got to meet the outlaw and several others who pulled me aside at the show to introduce themselves. oh canada, thanks for making me feel like a star. oh we also saw a baseball game at the dome. yes all of this in 24 hours. and we went to tim hortons.

    every day for the month of april i wrote at least one pre-write about coachella in the buzznet coachella blog, i even asked fellow bloggers to run a free blogad to it and 30 of you were nice enough to do so, and then at the end of april we were there at coachella. i even blogged about that. some of the posts were silly, but the point was to do just like how we did SXSW – provide the best coverage BY FAR of any other outlet in the world. pre-writes, photos, videos, and post coverage.

    buzznet was the official photosharing community for the fest. i got to do so many things but mostly i took pics and helped others upload their pictures onto buzznet. sometimes for the first time ever. it was hot. and at the end of the two day fest we had collected and uploaded nearly Four Thousand Photos. i think we had done our job.

    coachella 2015oh and we got 128 videos, including some silly interviews i conducted with people who were camping out in the tents, the security chief, and a tour of the campground, among others.

    madonna, matisyahu, kanye west, wolfmother, the yeah yeah yeahs, and cat power were my favorite bands that weekend. but the best part was working with my coworkers at buzznet: marc, lizy, mark, bree, steve, bree’s boyfriend and marks drummer. and the good people at coachella and the at&t blue room who both stoked us. there is nothing more enjoyable to me than to work with a great team of people who just work and get the job done. to me its all about results and the results of that gig mostly have to go to marc and the content team. flickr would have loved to have had our spot but coachella loves buzznet, and should.

    still on the ride home i pulled over and barfed and told lizy that it was because i had a bad feeling that our results wouldnt be met with the love that it should. and sometimes being right will make you sick to your stomach.

    when we got back we were mentioned in the usa today, defamer linked it, laist linked to it.

    right after coachella i was tasked to start finding great content for a new project buzznet is slowly unveiling called big hombre, a blog of sorts for young men in the vein of maxim or fhm, mostly about hot babes, funny videos, and street fights and stuff. every day i was supposed to find a certain amount of content, write funny headlines, and post them. among other things that i did, when i had extra time i started giving people photography assignments in our forums. one forum discussion got over 500 posts in a few days. pretty much a record that i doubt will be broken any time soon.

    all in all i was responsible for at least 13 million page views to buzznet in the seven and a half months that i was there. no one user had ever attracted more than 2.5 million hits other than the pretty boy bass player of the top 40 band fall out boy. i had one user account that got 9.5 million hits, another which is at 2.3 million, and my personal account went over a million hits just a few weeks ago, meaning not only had i been the only person to ever have two accounts to ever get over 2 million, but the only one to ever have three go over a million.

    and to be honest, before i showed up no one even thought that anyone could get a million that quick, but one of my accounts did more than that in a week.

    buzznet stickeri took over 4,000 pictures and posted them, i wrote over 100 blog entries, i sent out over 50,000 messages to our users, and in seven months i hosted seven buzznet meetups in three different countries, most of the time at no cost to the company. i think i was a pretty decent community manager.

    unfortunately not everyone saw it that way. which is why tonight im unemployed.

    so my plan going forward is to try a few things. i want to send my resume to a few companies, but i cant see them saying yes. i mean the cubs will probably say, dude we already have a black manager and he sucks.

    then i will probably get scared and compile a new collection of better-than-average busblog posts like what i did in How To Blog, and maybe that will sustain me for the summer, but anyone who flowed to my ipod fund knows i suck at mailing shit. in fact any one who didnt get what was promised should email me. i now have time to make good on your generosity.

    and then come the fall i’ll probably just start selling my ass on santa monica blvd while wearing a dress and a blonde wig at the del taco.

    whatever i do, i think im gonna take a few days off from the busblog this weekend. in two years ive done on here what i did at buzznet, pretty much work every day. even when i wasnt asked to, even when nobody cared. have i even taken two days off from this blog in three years? i dont think so.

    some people like to jump into things full force. im one of those weirdos. some people get freaked out by that energy. me, my best times have been when ive given 100% on things i really know about. i knew how to be successful at buzznet. that is, i knew how to make buzznet more successful. maybe i will have a shot at making some other company more successful. or maybe i will have to just try to do something myself.

    right now i have no idea whats next. none. and thats not the best feeling. i know it could be, but i dont have a bunch of cash to sit on. ive gotta figure something out soon. sux. although this might be a good time to head to the desert and talk to the spirits. or to isla vista and talk to the bikini team. or to vegas and talk to the elvises. or i could sell everything in this junky house and see what it gets. and then write an autobiography and start a new slate.

    i do know that you guys will be here, and that is a blessing that not too many people have, and for that im so grateful you have no idea.

    joe, it was nice sitting next to you.

  2. prince 

    staples center
    los angeles

    dearly beloved,

    if u ever want 2 get through this thing called life, make sure u go 2 a prince show at least once.

    and if you go once, you’ll be back.

    prince popped up through the center of his stage last night at the sold-out staples center dressed in white. pure of any sin. and the definition of sexy.

    an x marked the spot on the center of the arena. his gold microphone awaited him. his 8 peice band including horn section featuring james brown’s legendary sax man maceo parker and blonde bombshell candy dulfer waited for him. and the screaming LA crowd who were amazingly on-time waited for him on this, the second night of an unprecidented five-night stand of los angeles’s premier concert and sports venue.

    home of the lakers, the grammys, the kings, and last night, of prince.

    he owned it. he rocked it. he was it.

    as a witness of hundreds of concerts, ive seen the best: the stones, springsteen, u2, miles davis, the jackson 5, eric clapton, van halen, tom waits, elvis costello, tsar, jane’s addiction, and the beastie boys. but never have i seen one man seemingly never make a mistake, a wasted motion, or spin and twirl and pirrorette and be equal parts show-off and showman like that freaky little dude from minnesota.

    and the fucker did it in heels.

    he played his guitar like a kid would play a broomstick. it was an air guitar to him.

    a total maestro he would throw his hand down and the drummer would accent the beat and stop.

    a master controller he would tell the lighting man to bring up the lights and bring them down and the lights went up or down immediately.

    when he grew tired of his guitar a well-dressed man would come out and take it from him and he pranced over to a couch on the stage and his keyboard player gave him a pillow for his feet and a blanket.

    then he played bass. then he played bass with the bass player.

    then he danced.

    fuck did he dance.

    all while throwing out classic r&b numbers like chinese stars, all written, produced, and performed by himself throughout the years.

    upon entering the show the ushers handed out free copies of his new cd, musicology and one guy said to his buddy, “mick jagger never gave me anything for free.”

    and as much as i love mick, mick never played the guitar or wrote these sorts of songs, alone, or this sexy, or with this much funk.

    what we got to be a part of last night kept us on our feet dancing for over two hours, and when he concluded with an extended encore of the title track of his best known album, purple rain no one wanted to leave.

    except for the yuppies who wanted to somehow “beat” traffic. which, sadly was half the arena.

    but whatever, prince had pummelled them. he had pummelled all of us.

    if elvis had actually known a thing about showmanship and songwriting and guitar playing and dancing, the king would have been prince.

    in my 110 years, this was the best arena concert ive ever seen.

    i smiled the entire time.

    zanti misfit + simpleton + xero 79

  3. at the bottom of one of those pictures below, on buzznet, 

    is a caption that says “all of these nexus men now have children except tony”, and karisa asked me if i was upset about that, and i can honestly say hell to the no.

    i dont even want a dog right now. shit, this blog is enough responsibility for me and i would love to have an intern plagarize me in the future. remember when the renaissance artists used to have their “students” do their shit for them? ahhh, those were the days.

    thankfully i have all those reruns i can put up here when work gets too busy or the phone keeps ringing, or the girlies start blowing up the pager and the web cam.

    its not that i dont love kids, i do. its not that i dont love the blog, i do. its just that theres a time and a place for everything. and right now its time for pretty much all of my friends to have kids and its time for me to start reaping the rewards of this blog.

    last night a lovely young lass wanted to show me her uniform on the web cam. always one to analyze the amazing curves of my readers, i took her up on her offer.

    europe, where have you been all my life?

    now if i had a child, how could i have explained how daddy had his hand down his shorts while in the computer room? i mean seriously. and what would wifey say?

    i mean it was hard enough to explain to the chickey that what she was doing was driving me crazy and i had to do what was natural. fortunately she not only understood but asked me if i would lower the angle of the cam so she could see what i was doing down there.

    now what i find fascinating is this girl – IS A VIRGIN LIKE EVERY GIRL IVE RUN ACROSS LATELY – but was super into it. obviously not ho-ey, or slutty, and in a very cute way shy about things. she kept looking around to see if her sister would open the door but thankfully that didnt happen until the end.

    and i kept thinking to myself – “this girl can see your stupid face, your hairy fat belly, and your stupid clothes… your cam isnt forgiving, your closet is a mess. and shes got that huge smile on her face. how can this be?”

    and the only answer is its because of blogging. the biggest blessing of my life since the Nexus.

    for fun i put a wooden spoon in my shorts and played with it so that it looked like it was my schween. i was all, mind if i take out my rock hard wood? her eyes got huge. and she typed in “go for it” and looked at the door for her sister.

    i had both hands on the spoon so she couldnt see it. every now and then the head of the spoon poked out and her mouth gaped. i threw my head back and rubbed the spoon furisiously. as she was glued to her screen.

    eventually i showed her the spoon and she laughed.

    again, i couldnt have done that with kids bumping into me on their trikes.

    well maybe I could, but i doubt my wife would like it. so yes, im very happy for my friends, and my sister, and everyone with their kids. and im also happy that i can stay up late and do the things that i like doing best. making hot girls’ jaw drop.

  4. Thursday, May 25, 2006

    a few years ago 

    yesterday i admitted meeting miss spain universe

    i first met miss spain universe, mar’a jesos ruiz garz-n, in a topless tapas joint in madrid in january 2000.

    she didnt know the place was a topless tapas establishment either, but we both took off our shirts and cozied up to the bar.

    i was there with two dozen of my closest friends to see rock group tsar.

    there being spain, not the topless tapas place.

    mar’a asked me if i was americano

    i said, si.

    she asked me if i liked my tapas

    i said, si.

    she asked me if i liked her cunt-

    then she coughed


    and i said


    she asked me if i knew more spanish than just yes and no and i said


    she asked me what other words i knew.

    i said, burrito, taco, guacamole…

    she said, we dont have those things here.

    i said, si.

    so we simply slowdanced to the spanish guitars and i sang her a little song that i made up there on the spot.

    i sang

    spanish girl
    in all the world
    i want a spanish girl

    she doesnt know
    how much i weigh in pounds
    she doesnt care
    that im 108, 108 years oooooold
    oooooh my spanish girl.

    she sighed and looked at me with eyes of a girl falling madly in love
    as the twinkle lights of the disco ball rained possibilities

    and the lines began to form outside the dunkin’ donuts across the pallazo.

    she said, i know how much pounds you weigh.

    i said, what about the metric system.

    she said, yes, but i know.

    i said, ah.

    she said, si.

    and i smiled.

    and i tilted my head to the exito

    and she said si.

    and we left into the madrid night forgetting our shirts

    and not giving a muchas gracias.

    art waif + the detox + sugarbaybe + top pic of amy collins

  5. lost finale 

    “live together, die alone”

    millions and millions of people watched Lost last night, so for those of you who didnt, write me a nice email about how badly you want me, or if youre a dude, write your momma about how much you love her. cuz the spoilers are about to flow like rhymes from ice cube.

    the instapundit’s favorite writer, kurt vonnegut taught us that good stories have believable characters, but great stories introduce seemingly secondary characters that end up being central figures.

    so to me, what made last nights episode, the two-hour finale so wonderful was the return of the man who was in the hatch when locke found it, desmond, and his amazing backstory.

    in fact, last night made me believe that my favorite show isnt a story about Jack or Locke or even my beloved fat man Hurly, but that this is the story of desmond

    who is being tested, and monitored, and fucked with, and who has the best love story.

    i hate that my Black brother is such a villan and so unbelievably driven to sell out everything that he believes in for a son that he barely knows. i dont buy it. nor do i like it.

    i love the crazy four-toed statue remain which immediately made me think that this is the island of buggs bunny. evil buggs. the one where everyone runs down into holes and hides and then pops up to hunt other wabbits.

    i love that the preacher was right and that desmond even knows that you shouldnt fuck with spiritual men. and im glad that he who was wrong admitted it. sincerly.

    im happy about who didnt die in this episode, paritucularily because i had heard rumblings about this fellow or that one dying and when it looked like someone was going to get blowed up or on fire, something even more spectacular happened other than mere death.

    i loved that the sky got crazy. i loved that the aussie chick finally got her stick out of her ass. and i really loved that we learned a LOT more about “pushing the button”.

    although now i wonder if they can push the button ever again.

    will locke fix it? will the iraqi dude help him?

    and what about the boat? why would you sail that thing to where the others are? dont you think they’ll just steal it?

    i love that hurley is so unwanted. i love that jack and the hot babe are so uncomfortable about their getting caught in the net. and of course i love poisoned darts, but who doesnt love that shit.

    my friends at work speculate that Walt’s dog will have some sort of significance to the plot, and if Lost wants to hire me for a few weeks, i know i could write a pretty funny backstory episode where we learn about his dark past.

    and all id ask for is $50k.

    $40k if i can have access to the hot tub and laundry facilities.

    SIRI shot up from 3.63 to 4.22 since i told you yesterday + marty + bicylemark + reverse vampyr

  6. Wednesday, May 24, 2006

    i feel dirty even typing this. 

    but fine, i’ll admit it. i watched American Idol last night.

    and i watched it a little last week too.

    i tuned in because they suckered me into it. their shit worked. i wanted to see how that gray haired no talent schmuck could have beat out all my nubian princesses and that rocker and is poised to beat the pretty little teengirl whose mama is a voice teacher.

    to be honest i dont get it. how the fuck is the soul patrol gonna be your next american idol?

    i dont think simon can understand it either which is why he tried to sabatoge the upset-in-the-making by crowing him the Idol last night, thus creating the reverse-psychology backlash that will spill over to the voting.

    dont get me wrong, im not crazy about the chickie either. she does nothing for me. and Somewhere Over the Rainbow? wasnt that done way better by that gay dude in Star Search like twenty years ago? wanna impress me, do Rainbow Connection or that angry kelly clarkson tune that she did at the grammys.

    but last week when they showed how elliot had 33% and soul patrol had 33% and chickie had 33% i knew that whatever dude made the cut would win

    because anyone who would vote for eliot over the babe or gray hair over the babe in the semi finals would vote for the dude over the babe in the finals.

    my theory about bro is all the dads who watch american idol with their teen daughters see a little of themselves in the bozo. they see a guy who cant dance or sing up on that stage like hes got a stick in his ass and they root him on out of narcisism. plus they know they’ll never bang that chick. thats the sort of girl who never puts out, always does her homework, and wont even let the high school quarterback get his pinky stinky at prom – but will let him pay for the limo and the lobster and the tickets and the flowers and the etc etc. whore.

    america should be ashamed of themselves.

    look what the eurohttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifs are doing over in europe. theyve got an american idol competition too. its called the eurovision blah blah blah. you know who won over there? some Gwar ripoff with a shitty song. but at least they look like Gwar.

    im never gonna buy a taylor hicks cd. im never going to buy a kristin mcphee record. the only thing im gonna buy is playboy when she poses in there in five years, which is why everyone says Fox is the real winner of this second rate talent show, but the real winner is hugh hefner because you know the Girls of American Idol is gonna be a best seller.

    i hope mandesa gets the centerfold.

    SIRI is at 3.63 + gilliam + video of guns n roses live last week

  7. im an emotional wreck. 

    in two weeks ive met a cheerleader and a stewardess. and ive fallen for both of them. and theyve both left me. and now i feel empty and worthless and hollow and incomplete.

    not in a sad way just in a way i once discussed with the guitar player of my favorite band in college. he knew a lot about astrology and his sign was the water bearer. and he said that after a performance it was like he had let all the water out of his bucket.

    he said a good show was like carrying a huge bucket miles and miles and then up a really big hill and giving it to all the thirsty people. and that was a great feeling, you know, of stoking those people. but then he said he felt really crappy. and empty. not buddhist empty which is what you shoot for, but out of gas empty like you totally forgot to fill up when the red light came on empty.

    like starving in the middle of the night 139am empty.

    we didnt have a lot of talks but i remember that one.

    never did i think as a little kid that i would feel crappy after being with one hot babe after another. but sometimes, kids, you will. and its at those times that you have to remember that the devil exists and hes trying to fuck up your good thing. hes trying to harsh your mellow. hes trying to make you not enjoy your little glow.

    hes trying to drag you down to his level.

    the thing about fairy tales is after the young prince gets his blowjob from the princess that he just saved, the story is over and they live happily ever after. which we know is bullshit. and why i will never read my children ridiculous lies.

    for what would happen next would be the prince might get all paranoid and wonder, whats this stewardess really like when shes not laid over in LA all tipsy and happy cuz its warm and sunny and clear? the prince might even wonder if she was bullshitting when she said she got that hot little pussy checked out just last week. and then if he chose to trust her, he might get all weirded out and wonder if she meant it when she said she’ll call him the next time shes in LA.

    i dont know one person who ever lived happily ever after.

    maybe marilyn manson. but his records started to suck as soon as he dumped rose. nobody wants that.

    its almost memorial day and i would like to take another road trip somewhere but i aint got nowhere to road trip to. plus i want to save my money for the next step for the busblog. so i think im gonna stay home this weekend. ive been a good boy so far this year and kept to my new years resolution of reading at least one chapter from the bible every sunday. and maybe thats why ive been blessed with some sweet girls who have crossed my path.

    i havent gotten very far in the bible but thats not the point, the point is to just read and read slow and get every drop. this week i read about sarah and abraham and how sarah was barren and abraham was old and sarah said fine you can “go into” my maidservant and see what you can do about getting us a kid, and after abraham went into her he knocked the chick, hagar, up. and then the hagar got all haughty with sarah and sorta wanted to raise lil ishmael herself. sarah got pissed and chased hagar into the desert. there an angel told her to relax, that everything would be fine, but she had to return to sarah and submit to her. aka hand over the boy.

    i had remembered that story but i forgot about a small detail. hagar was an egyptian. aka Black! meaning a progeny of abraham – one of the most important patriarchs of judiasm, christianity and islam – sired a son who was a half black kid. and it was his first born. take that shelbyville!

    i dont know what it means, but i do know that whenever im emotional, something that rarely happens in my life, however its been happening more now that im off the pipe, its always nice to slip into the bible and see what other people had to deal with, drama wise. and it chills me out, because my problems are miniscule compared to having to try to appease my wife whose jealous and angry that the hot egyptian chick is waving her finger around and has one hand on her hip talking about oh no you didnt say that my son is your son now.

    and the cubs lost in the ninth today

    and the zancau was dry today

    but its gorgeous in la and im the luckiest old man since abe and kerry wood pitched well and prior is coming back and this time last year i dont think i had even gotten laid once yet. im so far ahead of the game. thats how you beat the devil. he can be beat. its not a game that you win over long periods of time you just have to beat him before you get up out of your chair. so now that hes beat, i can go wash this stewardess off me.

    even though i dont wanna. even though she has some of her hair in my sink and normally i hate hair of any sort anywhere but she was different and i sorta like it there but thats living in the past. where the devil wants you. naked titty angels are in the future so keep walking to the light. to the light. keep walking to the good stuff.

    kitty bukkake + paxgitmo + upholstered apocalypse + crunkness

  8. Tuesday, May 23, 2006

    two years ago 

    enter heretoday i wrote about Blogger Burnout

    Tyler Cowen has an interesting post about “blogging burnout” that the instapundit linked today which i whole-heartedly agree with.

    so many people think they’re these great writers, or they aspire to be great writers, or they think theyre intellectual, or they think they know something about politics, sex, sport, music, or debate, and when it comes time to rock the mic day after day they fall flat on their face.

    some complain that they dont want to “give it away for free” on the web but those people are making excuses for even whores come home and have real sex after they clock out. so f the lying liars who are probably procrastinating pros when they do get paid to steal my ideas.

    the interenet and the web and blogging is ideal for the real writer and the real reader. i would argue that the real writer is also a great reader, and theres nothing better to read than the web, so i would partially disagree with mr. cowen when he writes that blogging cuts into his time reading, because i assume he is saying it cuts into his book-reading time, which i would argue is being replaced with web-reading, which is also reading. but what do i know.

    heres one reason i will probably never experience blogger burnout.

    cuz i know that there are no rules on the web other than dont be dull.

    which means you can type things like this:

    i am in the best fucking mood right now and its only eight fifty eight am on sunday morning.

    7. The “Master Bloggers,” whoever you think those may be, are strange in the first place. mr. cowen writes. and i would tend to agree. although i dont get enough hits to consider myself a master blogger, i admit to being strange in the first place. and prolific is just a polite way to say obsessive in the same way reclusive is a nice way to say shut-in, the same way eccentric is just a spin on saying rich ‘n’ crazy. although no one ever calls james brown, mike tyson, or michael jackson eccentric so maybe it doesnt apply if youre black (or were black).

    heres when you will experience “blogger burnout”:

    1. when your internal dialogue gets hijacked by your concerns about what your readers will think.
    2. when you are afraid to write down what you are truly thinking about at that moment.
    3. when you believe the lie that some people just arent capable of good writing.
    4. when you believe the lie that there is a certain way that you “should” write anything.
    5. when you get more involved in punctuation, spelling, or aestetics than saying what you want to say.
    6. when you get caught up in traffic, hits, popularity, readers, and/or fame.
    7. when you believe the lie that what you think doesnt matter.
    8. when you believe the lie that what youre about to say has been said before and/or written down better.
    9. when you forget that most ideas can be expressed in less than 15 minutes.
    10. when you dont set aside a little bit of time each day to update your blog.

    if your blog feels more like a “have to” instead of a “get to” youre writing about the wrong things.

    perhaps the only thing going through your mind is the hottie at work who you want to bang, but you fucked up and you told this person about your blog, and therefore you are experiencing writers block because you cant think of anything else to say or think about.

    its at this time that you should thank blogger.com for allowing unlimited amounts of free blogs.

    i suggest that you set up a new blog called www.iwannabonethisonehottie.blogspot.com and get it off your chest.

    and dont be suprised that once you get it all out over there, then you will return to your original blog re-focused and ready to rock, and lo and behold not only are you cured of the lie that is blogger burnout, but just the opposite, now you have two rockin blogs, and the newer one is probably better, cuz its more honest.

    krista + weed doesnt lead to lung cancer + sk smith + evil china doll

  9. me and raymi share way more things in common 

    than we probably know. one of them is i get super jealous. the other is we both think raymis the best.

    the other day she got interviewed by a toronto web site.

    she answered the questions super well, but you know me, i cant let someone get interviewed without being interviewed too. so here goes. may i recommend that you all join in.

    Describe your blog in 10 words or less.

    fucking killer.

    Why did you start your blog? Blogiversary?

    i wanted to see if a loser without a car could get some fine hollywood pussy without a sweet ride without a good job and without any money. i wanted to see if there were any women left who would get naked for a man simply for his ideas and how he expressed them. i wanted to see if the freaks still came out at night. i wanted to see if i still had it.

    How long have you lived in Toronto?

    ive lived in los angeles since i got kicked out of high school as a freshman, and got accepted into community college in santa monica. 1984. the year after the last girl i made out with was born. yes, blogging rules.

    What’s the funniest/strangest thing that has happened to you in Toronto? Did you blog about it?

    the strangest thing that ever happened to me in LA actually happened in West LA when i got to jam with rivers cuomo at the amhearst house and he wanted to play nirvana songs all night. of course i blogged about it. it was the greatest moment of my life, that year.

    What are some of the changes in Toronto that you have seen in your lifetime?

    i hate changes. but LA changes all the time. i hate that rhino records is no longer. i love ameoba, but couldnt we have had both? i hate that there are no more drive ins. i hate that madame wongs west is gone. i hate that the wiskey is a pit now. i hate that knac is gone. i dont like kroq any more. i dont like that i have to pay for howard stern, although its the best money that i spend. im not crazy about 3rd Street promenade. im not crazy about the fact that hollywood is getting so expensive. and i miss the anti club.

    What era, day or event in Toronto’s history would you like to re-live and why?

    the rodney king riots. i was in santa barbara at the time working at sears. actually the first day, the day they were voted not guilty i was at dodger stadium with the famous record producer taavi mote who engineered beverly hills cop. but the next day they rioted pretty hard and i watched it up in plush santa barbara in supersafe sears and i saw a guy rolling a big screen down Sunset from a Silo store and i wished i was behind him rolling a bigger screen. no justice, no peace.

    Who’s your favourite Torontonian?

    raymi, pit, fil. but my favorite Los Angelinos are my friends, n.w.a, and janes addiction

    Can we believe everything you post on your blog?

    i sorta wish you wouldnt. people believe way too much from the interweb. they should only believe the smiles of pretty girls during intimate moments. and dogs. everything else is a bullshit convention sponsored by fear.

    Has blogging changed you or enhanced a personality trait?

    heres another way im like raymi. fucker, blogging hasnt changed us, we’ve changed blogging. now gimme money or show me your tits.

    Do you have a favourite post from your blog?

    oh but theyre are so many. this will be my 4053rd post just on the busblog. so i will give you the best .1% or my favourites, at least

    1. how to blog

    2. how to leave a comment

    3. a few more disclaimers that I would have liked to have seen in Glenn’s disclaimer

    4. yesterday i had to go to jury duty

    Have you had your 15 minutes yet?

    15 minutes? ive had a few hours are you kidding me? i was the luckiest man ever before this blogging shit, now im the super luckiest of all times, and its only gotten better. im bound to absolutely nobody. i can do whatever i want or say whatever i want. political bloggers cant do that. im not married im not in a relationship i have no kids i have no mortgage i have no car payment. the only thing i probably couldnt do on my blog is get a flickr account, but who the fuck would want that? and if i did id say its for research or because i feel bad for yahoo. im still young enough to get it hard in seconds and im old enough to know how to bring it – unless the chick is smoking hot :cough: … the la weekly this spring named me along with guys like rick rubin and sara silverman and luke ford as one of the top 100 los angelinos of interest. i have no business in those circles. thats 15 minutes right there. this year isnt even half way through and i got sent to amsterdam, i got sent to austin, i got sent to vancouver, i got sent to coachella. those were each 15 minutes. ive had days. and im telling you, the best is right around the corner. im calling my shot right now, and it’ll be off the glass. just watch.

    Ever met a stranger who already knew you through your blog? How was that?

    many. its the best. if i had nipples that could get errect, they would have. it’s the best ever. fuck guitar lessons, kids, learn how to type shit up.

    Lose any friends or muck something up because of a post?

    most of my friends are writers, so no i havent lost any friends. i have mucked shit up from time to time, but nothing serious. im pretty good at seperating real life from what gets portrayed as real life on this thing.

    Who are your fav bloggers?

    heres ten off the top of my head: raymi, xtx, jessica, erin, raspberry, lindsay, flagrant, zulieka, the pants, chad, pitt, sweaty, leah, fil, goldenfiddle, and gorilla mask

    What’s happening in Toronto right now that the rest of us should be watching?

    i’ll tell you whats not happening in LA right now. theres not a crowd of Clipper fans waiting at the airport for their team to come home from Phoenix, which shows you how cold hearted this city is for their teams. its win it all or go home. its rough. that team was super good. it should have beaten phoenix but gave it too many chances and steve nash, mvp, doesnt need too many chances to beat you.

    You have the opportunity to gather with 5 of your regular readers – who are they, where do you meet and what do you talk about?

    lets just say theyre all female, theyre all bi, theyre all drunk, i have eaten viagra and we’re in a whipped cream factory during memorial day weekend. you know who you are. and there will be many competitions.

    Have you ever had a question you wanted to ask random people throughout the world?

    not one general one. usually i just want to tell them that i think theyre super rad. the more i travel the more i fall in love with people.

    If your blog were a food, what food would it be?

    a hostess suzy q. totally a fake food. but delicious.

    If you could gather all of the bloggers of the world together into one room and tell them one thing, what would it be?

    ladies, lube up. gentlemen, this is how its done.

    Anything else you’d like to add…

    white sox suck.

    the queen of france