todays karisa’s 23rd birthday

and she doesnt look a day over 48.

i met karisa in the frozen food aisle of the Jon’s on La Brea and i thought to myself “that girl seems to be singing along to Poison’s ‘Something To Believe In’ thats playing over the quietspeaker, and she seems to be making a delicious meal for one, and she happens to be mildly attractive, and she appears to have a magic coming from her everything that i should investigate further.”

and then three fashion models pushed their carts into me, but i didnt notice.

and then three pirates swung by on ropes with knives in their mouths, nabbing the models and taking them home

and then three wise men asked me which row the frankenscense was in and i said aisle 666 bitch and said hey poison fan and she said hey cub fan

i was wearing my cubs hat

and we chatted and i asked for her phone number and she said i dont give my phone number out at grocery stores and i said good i wouldnta respected you if you did, how about parking lots?

she made shrimp scampi with a white sauce that made me remember my training back at the xbi up in isla vista. i wanted to tell her that i had never had such a scampi like that in nearly a decade but i couldnt because xbi shit you really shouldnt divuldge with strangers expecially if theyre about to pop open a second bottle of white zin.

but i did

because i trusted her.

something about her made me

perhaps it was the red sox hat on the teddy bear

maybe it was the skateboard on the pile of completly read newspapers

maybe it was the leapord skin brastrap peeking through her handmade tshirt that said masshole 4 lyfe

jay z was singing h to the izzo and i said its the cilantro. hows a girl from western mass know to put cilantro on the scampi

and she said

because tony pierce

i hadnt told her my last name yet

i know about eight things more than you do

and that night i learned how she knew my last name

and i found out how she knew how to make xbi scampi

and i found out how many bottles of wine on the wall it took her to puke

and even though we;ve known each other, what, fifty years now or some shit, she still knows a few more things than i do

which is one reason i love her.

of many.

and tonight im going to have dinner with her and her cali friends. i know her mass friends wish they were here with her. i know some of my readers wish they were here to eat with her, and lord knows johnny damon wishes he hadnt taken that 17 mil because now hes on karisas shit list and therefore off the evite list.

karisa and i have committed and solved many crimes. ive seen her make grown men crawl ontop of roofs and howl at the moon. ive seen her drive a four wheeler in a chinese dress with a camel hanging out of her mouth, but you know one sight ive never seen? ive never seen her beat me at ms pac man.

the reason the patriots are any good is cuz new england wants their favorite daughter back home

the reason the red sox finally won it all is cuz they didnt want her to forget about them.

the reason saddam got found in that hole that day was he was caught trying to get karisa to chat with him online.

so baby today is your big day. we’ve bowled together, we’ve rocked out together, we’ve snowboarded together, we’ve driven to mexico and frisco, we’ve hangglided off the hollywood sign when noone was looking.

we helped crash the internet that one day. we snuck all the wmds out of iraq just to make bushie look foolish and clear joe wilsons good name.

and now youre a wesssssider out there on the beach we dont see each other that much, which is why youve gotta quit your job so we can have long lunches at the standard with anna nicole and her crazy assistant, like olden days.

i will never forget the first time we really hung out at the great western forum at the slim shady show with mix master mike and those insane snowboarders who rocked the halfpipe inside the forum.

it was a sign that nothing with you would be even slightly normal, or dull.

im super lucky to know you and i cant wait to see you tonight so i can give you this cd i made that i know you’ll like cuz its got your boy snoop dogg on it.

happy birthday superstar,


the death of pj + we once saw u2 + when she lived in the hollywood dell