1. Tuesday, May 9, 2006

    until we hit 100 comments 

      below, there will be reruns

    balloon boy came from another town entirely. one where fences were made of crackers, trees were made of wood, and beer came right out of sky. the nerds had invented zero gravity luncheon meats but since the town was riddled with vegans the only way to sell any was to throw in a puppy and or a child.

    sales had always been phillipes trade. when he graduated college he was immediately hired by a multi billion dollar conglomerate who gave him a company car, some business cards and a terroritory that spanned across his entire state.

    his job was to convince salesmen to sell his company’s product.

    often times the salesmen would look at the babyfaced company man and say why should we sell your crappy crap, sony makes better crap and they pay more commission

    now the funny thing about this job was no one could actually measure whether phillipe was successful because at the time there was a terrible recession and nobody anywhere in the country was buying anyones crappy crap, not sonys, not tonys, not anyones

    but philippe didnt want to be embarrassed standing right there in the middle of nowhere in this retail outlett in the woods, where no one was buying anything anyway

    so he said its all about closing ratio

    if you can sell a sony to everyone go right ahead, but not everyone can afford one and not everyone wants one.

    i dont want nike shoes because they exploit their workers and then turn around and sell the most expensive sneakers on the market.

    this got the attention of the manager who had been doodling and pretending to ignore the young factory rep.

    simmer down over there, he warned.

    the name of this game is service plans anyway and some salespeople have been known to be successful saying yes sir you can have this giant screen tv and a five year in home warantee for less than what that sony costs before tax, im not telling you what to do, im just saying.

    and just like that phillipe didnt care any more and asked the group where he could get a good salad in town.

    and hed drive through the woods in his taurus, adjust his tie, and snake through the last remains of real nature in america and ask himself if he wouldnt be better off sitting infront of his computer writing movie reviews on the web.

    since no one has really cornered that market yet.

    probably because most movie reviewers blow.

    remember the fourth star wars. the one with jar jar. where was the movie reviewer who got on his typewriter and said

    you know what fuck you george lucas

    as phillipe drove through the mountains he said i could be just that reviewer and here i am stuck in the middle of nowhere listening to the same damn cds i always listen to, drinking carbonated sugar water thats gonna kill me, and hoping that that chick ive been emailing all these months isnt really a man.

    thats no life for me.

    but phillipe had a.d.d. and was soon distracted by something shiny. it was a AAA sticker on the back of a late model cadillac. he wondered, if you have a AAA card whats the use of the sticker on the bumper? they’ll still fix your shit without the sticker on the bumper. wont they?

    he wanted to puke.

    he knew not to trust the diner waitress who assured him that the dressing was nondairy but it tasted dairy and now in his stomach it felt dairy.

    nothing with faces
    mix all the races
    the daring young man
    on mysterious traipses
    im not sure exactly quite
    where this is going
    glad to get paid
    but love was not made
    dont come back here mister
    until you get laid