1. Saturday, June 3, 2006

    clay aiken is clearly having the best week ever 

    two months ago a guy who said he sex chatted and later fisted(!) the american idol runner-up had clay’s name in the print – the bad way.

    now just two months later, clay’s still the top searched for name on technorati which includes a post by this fan who has a series of clay videos which might explain the attraction.

    in second place is yours truly who totally took a nap at seven pm. who totally ate when he woke up. and who totally fell back asleep after a very nice shower and run around the block in the heat and second shower.

    and who totally was just awoken by the ringing of a telephone

    a drunken dialing if you will.

    and who totally told me that she was totally in love with me and who told her that she was drunk, and that there was nothing about me to love

    and she said i am drunk and im coming over.

    but she had no cab money.

    and the boyscouts teach you to have cash everywhere. some hidden cash in your wallet, some emergency pizza cash under the mattress, some flat screens are two hundred bucks outta the back of that dudes truck cash in the freezer.

    so of course i had some cab fare cash for the young lady in my sock.

    and im refreshed, and the cubs have stopped losing, and i am now preparing to take a third quick shower so as to shave even though this girl would never notice at this point.

    but the reason that i write you is because theres a serious dilema in this particular jeunne fille, shes not afraid to express her feelings.

    aka our girl is loud.

    aka its hot as a bitch tonight in hollywood and theres very little breeze and the only way to cool this apartment is to keep the windows and doors open.

    but you cant have any damn windows and doors open with this ho. i have neighbors. im a respected member of my community.

    so im considering shutting all the windows and doors and just sweating to the oldies or renting a little room over at the snooty fox.

    my only problem with that is i dont wanna bring a nice girl like her over to the fox. yes shes a hollywood girl with tattoos and excellent scars and a chipped tooth thats kills me, if anyone around the fox saw her theyd make a little mental note where we checked in. and then once they heard her… shit.

    this is the only problem i have with life. the people who have excellent basements, or who live on acres of property where no one can hear them, dont need those things. paris hilton has all the money in the world but she doesnt need to check into hotels for her sex video, shes the quietest girl alive. the ceiling fan is louder.

    im actually so awake we could take a long drive somewhere but there is a risk that she may puke in my beautiful car.

    i know im a very lucky man, and i dont deserve even a morsel of anything.

    but while i have it, know there will be good music playing no matter what happens.

    and for those of you scoring at home, i havent been sick in a week and i feel like a new man.

    and if your scoring at home use protection.

    happy birthday chad + nk + pitt + outlaw