1. Monday, June 12, 2006

    some of the best advice 

    ive ever gotten was given to me about a year ago today. i was about to take a job working at an all female market research company and i wasnt sure if i wanted to do it and i was told to go into the desert for a week with no computer and meditate on it.

    so i went to vegas for the night and talked with strippers and they pretty much just told me about themselves and where they were from and it was then that i decided to stop smoking pot and devote my life to Jesus.

    a year later one out of two isnt bad.

    this weekend i went to the scene of the crime, las vegas, and stayed at the hooters hotel because i thought itd be funny.

    i have a few things against hooters. mainly the nylons. here they have these cute girls, who ironically Dont have big cans, and they ruin their hot shorts look with these ridiculous stockings. it makes me not want to be there. no really.

    but the hooters hotel is a lot like the hard rock hotel – much cooler than their dorky and embarrassing franchise.

    formerly the san remo, a cruddy and forgettable old school vegas hotel, the hooters hotel and casino is conveniently located right across the street from the mgm and a short walk to new york new york, excalibur and luxor. or you could walk across the street and catch the new vegas monorail ($5).

    or you could drive through the night, check in, call someone you know in vegas, order roomservice of those hot wings hooters is known for, have said friend knock on your door as the wings are arriving, get driven to treasures which is supposed to be the classist strip club in the world

    but since i dont go to a lot of strip clubs i wouldnt know if this is the classiest one or not but i will tell you this, i felt like tom cruise in eyes wide shut walking into this place that looks like a mansion inside. and old mansion. a haunted mansion with ghouls who look remarkably like strippers but theyre too good looking to be strippers certainly theyre angels, but you know what, those girls are no angels.

    thumbs up on treasures. a surreal, and definately classy experience of beautiful young women one of whom dressed up as a cheerleader almost as if she knew i was coming.

    donny osmond was playing across the street at the orleans. i really wanted to see him there because its sort of a downgrade to not only not be playing on the strip but being on the other side of the freeway from the strip. ouch! so i wanted to see that trainwreck but time flies at places like treasures.

    my only complaint was the music wasnt very good. it was almost as they let the chicks pick the tunes. bad move. you can have a classy joint and play good music. sexy music. it can still be classy though. this new christina aguelera might not be bad. anyways i didnt love the music. the bathrooms were clean. and it was the first strip club ive ever been to where they have fully enclosed stalls in the mens room. is that classy or what?

    woke up the next morning at noon and wrote in my notebook at the hooters pool.

    only problem with the hooters pool are the people who would be at the hooters pool. maybe i was being paranoid but i felt like i was at a perverts convention. and the reggae band was way to loud and harshing my mellow so i took a quick lap and went back into the room and ordered a pizza and wrote until the night came.

    my date called and cancelled at the last minute which was a bummer because she was working for the arena league football super bowl and we were going to go to some parties. instead there i was playing nickel slots in the hooters casino. at that point the joke was over.

    i was let down, alone, and a little mad. and then a hooters girl cocktail waitress came over and asked me if id like a drink since i was sitting there gambling.

    i said yes can i have two armeretto sours.

    she was all is that it? and i was like and a shot of rum.

    i wasnt playing the nickel slots because im a cheap bastard, i was playing them because i keep telling you, im a scientist, i have to know about things. i wanted to figure out how these spanking sweet machines could even exist. a nickel? how much could you make off people at a nickel to justify the new electronics and maintenence, etc?

    and as i played it i realized that you could up your coinage to ten cent bets or quarter bets. it was a quarter machine disguised as a nickel machine! brilliant!

    and it worked. as i started winning with my nickels, i switched over to quarter bets, and then quickly back to nickels.

    i saw that you got better odds when you MAX BET your hand. and at a nickel what did i care, it was like 10 nickels to max bet which was what, 50 cents? look at me high rollin at the hooters casino.

    it was a seven card stud poker game basically and on a few hands i wasnt max betting because the cards totally sucked. so then when i thought the hands were gonna get better because they HAD to get better i max betted and i got four kings and i won a bunch but i didnt know how much it was because it was in nickels and i was having a really hard time calculating nickels in my head after those armerettos and that shot of 151.

    it appeared to be like $60 or something, which is a lot for nickels if you ask me. especially when you started with eight. but when i switched over to quarters it stopped telling me i had several thousand nickels it told me i had $155, so i played a max bet hand in quarters and lost so i cashed out and decided i wanted to give this money back to the extremely friendly yet classy cheerleader over in that haunted mansion.

    and i was all dressed up. but when i got in the cab and told him where i needed to go he was all yeah that place is a little too upscale for me. me, i like a little dirtier of a girl.

    and he kept talking and soon i was at the blah blah blah which i always thought was a cheesy place but no, this place was amazing. and friendly? anyone can have a good experience if you walk into a club with a pretty girl, but if you get that sort of treatment lookin like me and clearly a little drunk already while wearing a dumb hat and plaid shorts… then you have been rewarded for trusting the word of the local cabbie.

    there were girls everywhere. one could almost say too many girls but thats why hes the only one. people were getting lapdances all over. there were curtained rooms, secret private vip rooms, and just plain old back areas that cost $100 for three songs.

    because my lucky streak had clearly not ended at the nickel machine i ended up in the back room with a tattooed pierced dark haired avril lavigne for a few hours as she told me all the things strippers should never say. she talked about how she hated these black strippers. niggers she called them. i think i look mexican in my hat. she told me about her nine month old baby. she told me about her absentee babys daddy. i thought she was trying to milk me for more dances but she never even gave me one dance. id never seen her boobs and i was with her for at least three hours between drinking at the bar and sitting at the rail giving dollars to the pole dancers and then being in the back room making out because i cannot resist tounge piercings on strippers at 5am when the right music is being pumped into the super dark vip area where yes there were stars and it appeared that the stars had their hands on the girls boobs

    and i said baby is it cool to touch girls in vegas now and she said no but if a guy is paying 400 for an hour of dances, whats the harm. i was all i dont have four hundred, she was all, i havent even danced for you once yet, dont worry ill give you three dances for a hundred, and just then she put her head on my shoulder put her legs across my lap and fell asleep holding my hand.

    and i was forced to watch super hot strippers lap dance back there in the vip and get groped. as super good music played.

    a cocktail waitress came by and i said i would have whatever my girl just had and she laughed and brought me a miller high life and i tipped her way too much but thats impossible and she said do you like weird drinks? and i was all im a scientist. and she said i’ll be right back. and gave me a shot of something totally bizarre and i was all um its um hmmm. and she laughed and drank one herself and said its not for everyone and wouldnt accept the money for the shot. which made me wonder if it was leftovers from other drinks.

    still i drank it down because i had a really cute girl on my lap who eventually woke up and we talked about the genius of motorhead. and an hour later she said she had to pee and i said i have to go to bed and she said whats your number and i gave it to her america because im a scientist

    and last night she texted me because thats what all the young cute kids do and last night i made out with someone who looked faintly like anna kournikova if you squint which makes me conclude that i know i dont deserve it but i’ll take it. and tip ridiculously.

    neal + shanghaiist + nsfw + happy belated birthday jeneane