1. Wednesday, June 7, 2006

    the white stripes 

    a year ago today
    get behind me satan
    V2 Records

    the new york times got this cd the same time i did.

    somehow theyre declaring this a masterpiece because it has some addt’l instruments on it than just drums and jack white.

    not so fast baby.

    the white stripes have, what five records now? they better put something more on there than just drums on jack white.

    wheres my calculator. im such an old man. i have this great calculator thats big and has big buttons and can take a good punch and has big numbers and is solar powered and i never knew id be calculating so much but i calculate like a bitch.

    i also find myself using a flashlight quite a bit.

    so ive heard this cd for weeks now, which ive decided is really what i should do before i take a serious stab at reviewing a record because i felt bad the second i posted that weezer review.

    the chick asked if i ever felt bad about 2,000 people possibly getting “hurt” that i wrote something and fuck no, how on earth could i even post one word if i was worried about hurting anyone.

    but i did feel bad busting on rivers because it is a small world, and he does know some of my friends, and he does use the internet, and he did allegedly did get freaked out about pinkerton, and hes just a fragile little dude who very well could have done a little technorati search on his cd and there i was one of his biggest fans who had made a friggin photo essay for maladroit is now talking shit about make believe.

    thats gotta suck.

    especially since ive listened to make believe every day for the last two weeks.

    on the firt day of having Get Behind Me Satan i loved it. on the second day i thought it was just more of the same old white stripes gimmickrey. on the third day i thought it was totally cool again. on the fourth day it helped me write a dirty letter to anna kournikova.

    jack white knows what he wants to do with the white stripes and that is this: not rock the boat. this record is not very different than any of the others, maribas be damned. thats the bad news. the good news is everyones got another white stripes cd to love especially on random with about twenty totally different cds.

    the problem that i have with Get Behind Me Satan is that theres not enough Satan. anyone who’s seen the White Stripes live knows that Mr. White made a deal involving his soul at the crossroads, but as is usual Satan usually pays up in spades. (see: Zep, Sabbath, R. Johnson, Abba).

    if i could find that blasted calculator i would say that the Deceiver is definately in the house on track one, the single, the power chord havin Blue Orchid which has nothing to do with the rest of the collection, sadly. (video)

    Be’el’zebub was present on track three ringing My Doorbell asking me what are you going to do about it?

    Forever For Her, track four, is so gorgeous that it hints to the sweet rays of lightness from the angel side of the former number two man in Heaven.

    Yes, before he fell, Lucifer was an angel, a high ranking one at that.

    This is a song he would have written back in those days.

    Ugly As I Seem track five made me pull out led zep’s Going To California to see how close it got (not that close) and one of the few times that we get to actually hear the genius of Mr. White on this record as everything is even more stripped down than normal with just his wife/mom/sister on a bongo while he plays acoustic and sings a song that sounds like something robert plant would have paid millions to have been able to record on one of his solo records. half way through you say hi satan and he winks.

    somebody is in there with them in the firey furnace during Instinct Blues and Take Take Take but i think its neil peart, not the Fallen One. those are far too intellectual tunes for the devil. give us fire fuckers. fire.

    red rain sounds like a white stripes parody with so many effects that its almost like they know theres not a song in there just a good excuse for jack to run around the stage live. which is fine. but not worthy of hellfire. just regularfire.

    Little Ghost track 12 is a visit from Lorretta Lynn who is also an angel and would have been perfect on her solo record that White produced and he was smart to steal it from her and put it here, which is naughty, but not satanic.

    Get Behind Me Satan ends in the bluesy piano of I’m Lonely (But I’m Not That Lonely Yet) which hints if not comes straight out by saying that he has the hots for his sister, since after all he’s lonely, but alas not that lonely yet. It’s an odd song because you want to feel sorry for him because he obviously wants to get it on with her but, dude, it’s your sister!

    which would have been way creepier of a song if Meg White wasnt outted earlier this year as having been Jack’s wife, and not his sister. regardless Satan is all up in this song. which might not be good for your soul, but is great for rock music.

    i still havent found my calculator so lets say Satan is on half of this cd, angels are on two tracks, and the rest of it is plain old white stripes. therefore six thumbs up, but no masterpiece.

    the boston globe says it’s just ok + boston herald liked it + canada.com reports that jack calls is a truth record + philly.com calls it brilliant, gives it 3.5 stars and says it has lots of guitar which it doesnt + detroit news calls it “possibly their best“, its good but its not even their second best + the new yorker wished that jack wrote a chorus for blue orchid and duetted with xtina + newsweek has an incredibly sober feature on them aka dull as hell + fake dyi has the best review though