nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, July 27, 2006

    four years ago today i went to the movies with a blonde girl 

    took ashley to see austin powers. drove down sunset through west hollywood turned left at rodeo drive and then right on santa monica to century city.

    some ass changed the name of the century city mall to westfield mall.

    westfield mall?

    the dot com that i worked at had its start in century city right there on avenue of the stars. we would eat lunch in the swanky outdoor mall every afternoon. that was in the summer of ’98. an eternity ago, to me.

    it’s 840pm and two of the showings are sold out. somehow they create a 930pm show and we buy tickets and hang out in the bretannos where chris got drew barrymore’s autograph for ashley. she also got one for me.

    ashley gets very excited when she realizes that drew was in the same place that she is at. very excited.

    get popcorn, two large sodas and a bag of sour gummi bears. $15. back in 98 a week before i got the job at the dot com i had a date with a girl where i invited her to my house to drink the only coke that was in our fridge. $15 would have lasted me a week.

    spill some of the popcorn at the door while trying to show the 36 year old usher my stub, he yells, tania! tania! i say, dont worry about it. he says, you dont want a new popcorn? no. no thanks.

    as i get older i start falling asleep easier. eating, drinking, smoking, snacking, and holding ashleys hand in the theatre with a pleasant movie on made me very very drowsy. in a good way. “austin powers in goldmember” is a good solid movie. totally fun. very funny. sexy. predictable. a touch offensive. and head and shoulders better than 98% of what you can see at the movies nowadays.

    mike myers is in top form. beyonce isnt bad, and mini me steals the show, again.

    we take the ten home, stopping off at mcdonalds for an oreo mcflurry.

    we get into the house.

    turn on the slow jams.

    turn off the kitchen light.

  2. Wednesday, July 26, 2006

    could it have been NINE years ago 

    that matt and emmanuelle got married? tons of people were there. it was in the middle of france in a summer vacation town called joncy. white cows walked right down the middle of the street speaking french.

    first me and chris flew into amsterdam and decompressed there for a few days. everyone says that traveling to europe in the summer is so expensive and uncomfortable and crowded and terrible but in the middle of july all the dutch take their vacations and head to greece or the south of france or anaheim so my favorite european town was nearly empty and strange. it was raining a little too.

    didn’t matter. if anything it made it better. even though our marriott had a pizza hut underneath it, it wasn’t what id consider amsterdamian, so i dont recommend it.

    after a few days we took a train to my second favorite european town, paris. paris was cool. by the time we got there though the only restaurant open was one of those chic ones where you eat on the outside in front of the restaurant judging people who walk on the sidewalk. i think all they had left was lobster and shrimp and tasty wine and strawberries and chocolat mousee. after a romantic stroll free of parisians who were also in greece, we retreated to our filthy room with charming view and agreed that even the dirtiest of streets of paris are still much more magical than the best streets of the mission of frisco where we were living at the time, happily.

    only scary part about paris was the fact that no one knew where joncy was.

    it may have had to something to do with my special brand of french.

    eventually we got on the tgv – the french bullet train. once again we found ourselves free of any bothersome europeans. and you may ask yourself, “why is tony so upset about our cousins to the east?”

    i’ll tell you why, because as long as americans have been coming to europe we have been asking for cold cokes. if europeans wanted spit on their waffles, after a while we would just know to include spit on your waffles when you came over here.

    give us cold cokes!

    so we drank wine.

    me and chris were drinking wine everywhere we went even on the train to mont pilleir or whatever the town was that dougie gyro and barney picked us up at, but we were pretty drunk when we showed up and we met up with our friends and tick tock it dont stop.

    we were driven to grandma’s house, emmanuelle’s grandma. everyone has castles in this town. the white cows demanded it. grandma’s castle was pretty nice, but her barn was the best so we all slept there. it was hot in joncy and the windows were open and people were playing guitars and singing songs. all of my friends play and sing except me. i drink and smoke and fall asleep. aaaaahhhhh.

    in the morning we walked into town. first we crammed into the mayor’s office. emmanuelle’s dad is the mayor. everyone was smiling and talking french and then the mayor said some things in english and pat whalen was the best man and he was laughing so i kept laughing.

    then we all walked down the main street of joncy a beautiful parade. matt had on this crazy yellow jacket looking like buddy hollys cousin in law some guy was playing a violin, layne was playing the guitar. people were singing.

    made it to the church and that was entirely in french and way better than most services that ive been to.

    probably cuz it wasn’t full of lies.

    after church we went to the pre reception drink off at a nearby school. only a few of us knew it was a drink off so i placed pretty high.

    piled into cars and drove out of joncy to where the mayor lives. his castle was the best one. three stories, big, yet homey. in the backyard were several big tents where we would eat and drink and dance into the wee hours.

    the camps were equally divided between emmanuelles euro friends and matts dirty american pals. the girls were beautiful intellects on both sides but the menfolk from matts side were decidedly scruffy and crude, like moi, especially with the neverending barrels of wine that grew from the trees of the countryside of west joncy.

    layne kissed matts teenage sister. a fight broke out. it was settled with a highly entertaining breakdance battle. ken had to kiss matt. then everyone kissed everyone. then dougie gyro hijacked the wheels of steel and we danced til the dawns early light.

    rode cows to grandmas castle barn, hit the hay, and have yet to wake from that beautiful dream.

    emmanuelle + matt

  3. Tuesday, July 25, 2006

    im thinking about having a summer tour for LAist 

    sort of a traveling meet n greet to acclimate the rest of the country, and parts of canada, to LA and our fine blog.

    im thinking about getting a 5-gallon bucket and filling it up with sand from venice beach or malibu or somewhere, and then hitting the road. kissing the girls and giving sand to the kids.

    the hits are good at LAist but they could be better. plus id like a few more writers. im not even sure they need to live in LA. people shouldnt be punished just because they dont chill in the 323.

    since its a thousand degrees across the country, showers are worthless so i will sleep in my car and blog under the stars using the evdo card.

    staying in my home is doing nothing good for me. all im doing is falling in love with a girl a fraction my age who i have no future with, slacking at my responsibilities, and getting fat.

    shes knows im straight edge but likes it when i ramble as we lay naked and she plays with her hair. so what she’ll do is take a huge bong-rip in the bathroom when im not looking and walk over to me, stand on her tippytoes and give me a long deep kiss while slowly exhaling the smoke.

    i know she doesnt really want to kiss me.

    minutes later im rambling down a verbal highway. last night we talked about gravity for an hour as i walked around the house trying to find new and different things to stick in her privates.

    not forcefully, just the tip.

    given long hot nights where the heat just slows down your metabolism and you dont want to go outside but youre bored of being inside, you can find a remarkable amount of things that can go in a willing college girl’s nethers.

    after a while i starting making a pile. things that were funny going in there, things that werent funny and/or didnt fit.

    the thing is im not the perv because i would rather just lay on the couch with her and hold her hand and watch tivo but i get broken up with when i do that with girls, i get huge rewards when i do this shit with the ladies.

    you encourage me, its not my fault.

    matt good called me yesterday and he has a private number. ive been able to train pretty much everyone i know to unblock their number before they call me, or just not have blocked numbers. therefore i know its a pretty good chance that if the phone rings and the caller ID says “private number”, its your boy.

    well this afternoon the phone rang and it was a private number so i picked up the phone with a “canada sucks, its an america jr wannabe, nobody cares about hockey, and fuck tim hortons.”

    but it was somebody trying to help me sell my home.

    the pants + jimh + sweaty blistered sneaker toe + kali

  4. Monday, July 24, 2006

    in case you missed it, here were last night’s top ten 

    in video of the evening gown competition.

    Desiree Duran of Bolivia; Alice Panikian of Canada; Valerie Dominguez of Colombia;
    Kurara Chibana of Japan; Priscila Perales of Mexico; Lourdes Arevalos of Paraguay;
    Zuleyka Rivera Mendoza of Puerto Rico; Lauriane Gillieron of Switzerland;
    Tara Conner of the USA, and Kenisha Thom of Trinidad & Tobago

  5. the miss universe pageant ended in tragedy 

    last night when the newly crowned winner, 18 yr old Zuleyka Rivera Mendoza fainted when she found out that i no longer date teenagers.

    what she didnt know is i make exceptions for miss universes.

    things to do today? i need to pay off these parking tickets.

    i need to go to home depot to get two hooks for my whiteboard calendar.

    and i need to get a nice roll of garbage bags at the 99 cent store.

    isnt my life exciting? i think i may faint.

    ten bucks she didnt faint because she was nervous and excited and the lights were hot and this city is hot and miss universe is hot,

    but she fainted because she hasnt eaten in a week, shes on diet pills, and she snorts speed off the ass cheeks of virgins.

    some nice fan sent me a Taschen book of all these olde fashioned sex pictures. like from the 1400s-1800s. and something that i noticed is even in their illustrations and paintings, the most desireable women were the curvy ones.

    there are no skinny girls in the erotic images of old.

    or very few, i should say, nitpickers.

    for the record i thought miss trinadad was hot, i also liked miss japan, and miss denmark.

    im glad miss usa didnt win, she was a ditz, and i was quite surprised how Latin the whole show was, obviously pandering to the 28 Latin countries who were being represented.

    i also think the top ten was hotter than the top five.

    i blame tom green who was one of the judges.

  6. the flaming lips played the hollywood bowl tonight 

    but instead of seeing them play, i went over to the cousin of a professional cheerleaders house who should be a cheerleader herself because shes even hotter than her cousin yeah i said it to watch the miss universe pageant.

    plus i thought there was a good chance that i was gonna get some of that shit.

    not that i needed it mind you, that department has been tremendously bountiful this summer which might be a reason that i havent written much here, since all i want to do is write about the streak of luck but you dont want to appear a braggart.

    lets just say that i have nothing to brag about tonight.

    she wouldnt even allow me to play her this song which i put on my ipod especially for her because, i dont know, it was the reason i wanted to go to the show in the first place until i heard a recording that i had of beck doing it on kcrw.

    not that i listen to kcrw much but

    “Do You Realize”

    Do You Realize – that you have the most beautiful face
    Do You Realize – we’re floating in space
    Do You Realize – that happiness makes you cry
    Do You Realize – that everyone you know someday will die

    And instead of saying all of your goodbyes – let them know
    You realize that life goes fast
    It’s hard to make the good things last
    You realize the sun doesn’t go down
    It’s just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

  7. Sunday, July 23, 2006

    its been decided that i dont blog enough 

    that problem will be solved this week.

    im also going to continue to write my autobiography. i say that because a lot of times when im doing something and if i mention it on here then i fuck it up and everyone laughs at me. jk.

    tonights the miss universe pageant and i have a date to watch it over at clipper girls cousins house. she doesnt know its a date yet but if i shower and bring you flowers its a date so get ready.

    its been butthot here in LA. i hardly ever talk about the weather here unless its raining or if its 100 degrees. fucker was 100 degrees yesterday. i woke up today at a reasonable hour and didnt eat anything or drink anything, laid down watched a little tv and fell back asleep again! what the hells up with that.

    im loving big brother. everyones crazy for not watching this and watching the live feeds. im going to see if i can interview the people behind the scenes of bb.

    heres something that happened this week. basically they had a few people line up and they said ok if you want to stay in this particular game you have to do whatever we say and the person who says yes to everything wins the game.

    so people had their hair cut off. one dude, the pretty boy got totally soaked in blue which has been very difficult to come off. and one dude agreed to eat the Big Brother slop (like really horrible corn mash paste) for the rest of the show – 60 days.

    ok it doesnt sound that exciting now that i say it.

    i should be at the flaming lips concert but i like clipper girls cousin and the miss universe pageant more than a concert that i dont have a ticket to, i guess.

    did i mention that i dont like writing autobiographys?

  8. Saturday, July 22, 2006

    mr os is a pappy now. 

    he’s been a pappy for a little while, but i just realized that hes one. some things have a way of not sinking in.

    os was born on a bayou in owensburough kentucky with a straw hat on his head.

    most people dont know this but his first trip to the mississippi was when he was in the marching band.

    it was winter.

    it had just snowed.

    the bus driver didnt pull over for any stops for hours and os had been drinking one capri sun after the other.

    when the busdriver finally pulled over to get directions os didnt run to the bathroom like the other boys.

    even then he played things cool.

    he walked slowly over to a snow bank and as the girls watched as they stood in line for their bathroom os peed hi mississippi on the snow bank

    and zipped up leaving the girls amazed and the bank steaming.

    without him the busblog wouldnt be around.

    his servers have kept this blog up pretty much 24/7, which is always a jinx because any time i say that something happens, so if it does blame me.

    happy birthday my man.