nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, August 25, 2006

    write about the bizarre deteriorating of Bush’s speech ability. 

    Im not just trying to kick the guy, something really seems wrong and Id love to speak to his doctor and hear the truth.

    ive seen the videos that show W as a Governor with apparently no problems talking. and of course ive seen all the bushisms over the last six years. the explaination is simple – he’s not saying what he really feels any more. nor should he.

    if you were the President’s handlers right now why would you let him go off script? when he thinks for himself he either makes up words like Internets or his sits there like he did on 9/11.

    thinking is what the other people in the room who went to Yale are supposed to do. not the guy who partied there every night.

    if i had to remember the republican talking points i would be stumbling and blinking and stuttering and fumbling too. thats a complicated playbook of bullshit that youve gotta learn. just imagine the dozens of different ways to defeat that death star? iraq, 9/11, oil, plame, katrina, domestic spying, signing statements, the small detail about that gay male hooker who was snuck into the press corps for a year, the other small detail about rewriting scientist’s studys proving global warming is happening and must be dealt with in ten years

    this whole administration is one teetering jenga game waiting to be overwith. bush is no reagan. hes no trained actor. and hes not slick like willie. when things are fucked up its written all over that goofy face, its heard in his inflections when he accomplishes the obstacle course that every sentence is for him.

    its almost as if he’s waiting for that inevitable moment where the entire press corps stands up in unison and collectively calls bullshit on everythng.

    bush should just chill out and realize that thats never going to happen, and go back to imagining everyone actually buying his malarkey. theyve gone past wanting to believe that his lies were true into resigning themselves into knowing that their president is a horrible liar full of terrible secrets and if he just wanted to go to the hospital for a few months because of a tragic “throat infection” caused my some tainted shellfish i doubt anyone would miss him.

    the mistake was in hiring tony snow who seems to be just as bad as pretending that what hes saying is true because right now what the GOP need most is someone who can shovel that shit like no one else.

  2. Write about gentrification. 

    Photo Hosted at Buzznet The LA Weekly sez it’s terrible, and ripping our neighborhood apart. Is that true?
    Matt Welch

    last i checked discrimination wasnt kosher. even against whitey.

    but i also dont hear the minorites complaining too much, its usually the fair skinned granola eaters who have already moved in who are fretting about what happens if that pattern is repeated. such guilt. just look at that word, gentrification, thats the whitest word ive heard all day. scientific, polite, sterile, vague, emotionless – when in fact its definition, if accurate is clear and full of emotion.

    as if whitey could fuck things up that bad.

    the most normal thing in the world is for one group to move into a part of town and then move out as another one moves in. those mini mansions in korea town werent built by koreans you know. noah finz.

    am i disappointed that venice turned into a santa monica jr.? of course. but people should be allowed to move whereever they want and build whatever they want while theyre there. the only thing they shouldnt be allowed to do is tear down cool places without a vote of the people. cbgbs got gentrified. that shouldnt happen. its retarded.

    bob burns got gentrified. that shouldnta happened either.

    what people should probably do is take it easy on the four kids business. a couple kids is fine. adopting, i hate to agree with brangelina, but that seems like the best idea of them all. its so crazy i love people so much but ive always hated the idea of overcrowding, of the earth doubling in population ever so many years. i dont need anyone who looks like me. maybe we have a responsibility to take care of some kids but i dont think they necessarily have to carry your genetic code. as if any of that shit mattered anyways.

    chavez ravine was gentrified. downtown is becoming gentrified. and with that comes things that might be worth it.

    the cruelty and tragedy that made way for dodger stadium was horrible, but if dodger stadium was any different you never would have had that shot of the tail lights in the parking lot of cars leaving as kirk gibson hit one of the greatest home runs of all time.

    not everything that whitey does is all bad, matt.

    jimh + phil + bicycle mark + science blog

  3. Thursday, August 24, 2006

    Talk about Chilltown 

    and how they should get to the final three with Janie-doll and which one of Chilltown Janie should evict so she can win the half million dollar prize.

    love is crazy. it’ll make you do the things that you wouldnt do otherwise. stupid things. love throws you off. gets you outta your game. when tiger woods first got married to that blonde model he coudnt golf anymore. but now that hes bored of her hes back.

    you write better when you want someone. you write better when you dont have that person. when youre googley eyed you may as well be against the law because you dont really drive when you drive you act like a driver but your eyes are about ten feet above the traffic.

    janie was in love with dr will the second she saw that he didnt give a fuck about the game. why didnt he, she thought? this guy had won before, surely he knew you have to want it bad enough to be on slop for months or be in solitary for 24 hours to win. why didnt he care she thought and she knew it was because he was in love with another.

    and that was attractive to her. more attractive than winning this small game. she wanted to win the young doctor who was suddenly far more charming than she had remembered. was he really that successful in his businesses? did he really just tell everyone on national tv that he hates them all? did he really just tell the entire house once again to vote him out?

    kasar was gone and she thought she could trust will who suggested that she put her girlfriend marcie on the block as a pawn but it was she who indeed got pwned.

    and while she continued to let chilltown use her like a worn-in hand puppet – bam howie was gone. if she had been on her shit chilltown would have been out by the third week and there truly wouldnt have been any chilltown.

    but those retarded rich whiteboys who are so easy to hate have coasted through the game playing it any way that they want because the season six boys were gaga for janelle but janelle was gaga for chilltown whose decisionmaker is the doctor. with janie cakes at bay, currently the only person that chilltown needs to fear is danielle who could rally the troops against the real mr and mrs smith, will and janelle.

    which is possible since theyre both in love with each other almost as much as they love themselves, and therefore

    vulnerable fools who must die

    the chickenman will win it all.

    raymi and i all caps interviewed each other + leah + flagrant

  4. Wednesday, August 23, 2006

    Univeristy classes this week. 

    Tell us what used to go through your head in those first few days of the semester.

    even if we were starving, summers in isla vista could not be topped. youd wake up and someone would hand you a lighter so they could wake n bake and youd run downstairs and light the twelve foot bong and when he was done youd change places and then someone would discover beer in a closet. and you would drink it.

    then youd skateboard to cliffs, ollie over an old person, and dive into the sea.

    until i was admitted into the college of creative studies that had no grades no tests and no finals i would look at the first days of school as an annoyance, but once i could just focus on learning as opposed to getting grades i totally looked forward to school.

    the first weekend before school started and the first weekend after school started were the hugest party weekends at ucsb. rivaling halloween in some cases. with no homework worries or committments, it was nice to just sort of check each other out those two weekends and make delicously brand new friends.

    back in those days bands were allowed to play in the driveways and living rooms and front yards.

    the first time i did shrooms was on the first weekend back to school. when the chick at woodstocks threw the pizza dough into the air

    it hung a little there

    zona boy + binsk + aaron

  5. Monday, August 21, 2006
  6. Friday, August 18, 2006

    im thinking about not going on a road trip. 

    im thinking about just doing a lot of things for 40 days and 40 nights. i tried to get a summer girlfriend at the begining of this summer and she said no and when summer had started she wanted to change her mind but i was all summer has already started we blew it! and now she hates me.

    theyre playing the pga tournament at the golfcourse that was right across the street from my high school. it the course that our golf team got to play at every day. it wsa the place where i went to prom. its off irving park road.

    my high school was called lake park high

    good name until you learn why it was called lake park high.

    it was called that not because there was a super cool lake anywhere nearby or even a great park, it was called lake park because it was on the corner of lake street and irving park road.

    we had no business having medinah country club literally on the other side of the road and even at 14 i knew that was some bad ass shit on the other side of those trees. i knew that people had paid tens of thousands of dollars a year just to be able to hang out there and extra to play golf there.

    some of my friends worked there as caddys. you dont have to believe any of this but its true. anyways one of my friends who worked there was run over by a car or truck or schoolbus or something when he was little and he grew up with lets say some developmental differences. my friends rewarded him by calling him toad because they said his face looked squished. our town was like that. theyre still totally good friends with him and they still call him toad.

    one kid in grade school they called fish face or fish for short. another was jewish and he was called jewlock. i never understood that one. maybe i was sick the day when the lock was deemed the worthy adjective.

    i was fast then. i could run. i could run anywhere then. i remember playing high school basketball and the coach had gotten us into such great shape that the two mile bike ride to the grocery store became a sprint for me sans bike. i remember running straight there and not even really being tired.

    i remember this because im no longer fast. i jogged the other day and i swear to you an elderly man ran next to me because the crosswalk light was blinking. i was nervous he was going to beat me. i looked at my belly for a good ninety seconds today. thats a good eighty seconds more than i normally look at any part of my body on an average day.

    so instead of driving to the pantry for a huge hunk of meat and some potatoes and some gravy i walked to the ninety nine cents store which is a good two miles away. there i bought some cans of vegetables. then i walked back and picked up some zankau chicken. a woman was in there with her mostly blind friend. she was writing on a small white board “we are at zankau chicken” “we are on sunset blvd.”

    i could have gone to an excellent party tonight but i just wanted to chat with this one girl in texas. but i couldnt because my hands were killing me from working all day and all night. so we talked on the phone. which is never the same.

    boy did we get a lot of hits today.

  7. Thursday, August 17, 2006
  8. Wednesday, August 16, 2006

    why i love ken layne 

    thanksfornada.jpg by tony pierce, 113

    ken layne doesnt care what you think. he doesnt care what your momma thinks. and he damn well sure doesnt care what the interwebs think.

    layne’s Sploid was given the axe recently by Gawker’s nick denton. at this point i should probably disclose that denton’s gawker media is a quasi-competitor to jake dobkins’ gothamist empire, and i am currently employed by dobkin as hnic of LAist. and i should probably also disclose that i once wrote for layne’s Tabloid back before fire was invented when we were roommates on haight street, and now i live in an apartment that layne handed over to me when he moved out to marry his dear wife.

    i cried at laynes wedding, i danced in his former backyard (which is now welch’s), and i banged a teenager in the closet where he once wrote for the Online Journalism Review and even had her sign the door jamb as proof that i wasnt dreaming. something that im sure was inspired by ken’s ghost. even though he was far from dead.

    but Sploid is dead and our pal layne is pissed and he’s not going down with a whimper, like others have when theyd been axed and lived to blog about it.

    layne laid it out in a blog post that appears to take jabs at denton, other blogs, and even the company that nearly bought Sploid. and by jabs i mean body blows.

    ken layne, pictured, has a right to be peeved. he had a good thing going there. it wasnt going to take over the world, but most of the blogs on the technorati top 100 arent gonna take over the world either no matter what they think. the world is impervious to bloggers, nimrods. communism and bloggers. both make a big noise but at the end of the day they are just another passing fad invented so that a handful at the very top can get some tail that would otherwise be way out of their league.

    what Sploid was to a casual blog reader was a weird oasis of creativity and freakiness, snappy writing, crazy stories, and funny ass pictures. it didnt look like anything else on the web, it didnt sound like anything else, and it didnt fit in. you know why? because it wasnt intended to. and if it began to fit in Layne would yell at whoever was fucking up the program.

    what Sploid was to someone who was allegedly building a media empire was an opportunity to truly diversify ones portfolio in a non-pussy way.

    and one thing that this gigantic orgy of blogs called the Internet has shown to the more-than-casual blog reader is that a good writer is a rare beast indeed. especially a funny one. who writes every day. for your ass. great writers are hard to find, great bloggers are even harder to find among the millions and millions of blogspots and wordpresses out there.

    Sploid had three excellent, funny writers. layne, fatman, and the cat wrangler. they worked cheap. they drank. they wrote every day. they got it done. they even spellchecked whihc is more than dobkin gets from me, so wtf. and basically ken says wtf in a much funnier and bitter way than i which shows you that sometimes it isnt the blog’s fault if it doesnt get ten gazillion hits a day, its the worlds fault.

    not everyone calls in for the right american idol, not everyone votes for the right skull n bones whiteboy, not everyone buys the right glam metal power pop cd. and lord knows not everyone goes to the best blogs every day.

    in a world where the daily show, colbert, the factor, and the onion draw millions of people every day to laugh at the attrocities of this fucked up game called life, how could someone think that Spolid, if positioned and marketed right, couldnt reach that demographic online?

    its not kens fault that hes ahead of the game and writes so much better than most bloggers that it comes across as french. and it certainly isnt fat man’s fault.

    anyway i love ken because of headlines like this: GOODBYE FOREVER

    ledes like this: Just like YouTube, Lebanon, Joe Lieberman, newspaper circulation and airline travel, Sploid is being demolished.

    and runs like this:

    And then some months passed and nobody much read the site and Choire got hired by the New York Observer (he is now the guy in the fedora and trenchcoat). And pretty soon it was just your editor in Reno ranting about Katrina and his drowned hometown all the time. Weirdly, the readership doubled.

    Gawker kingpin Nick Denton decided this was the perfect time to delete the archives and debut a radical new design that looked like a robot had taken a dump on a crossword puzzle.

    For maximum impact, the six-hour switch to the “new system” was done in the middle of the workday, so that readers could get a “behind the scenes” look at the world of Gawker Media … meaning, actual login screens for the Gawker publishing system. It was great.

    Overnight — or “over day” — half the readers went away.

    i will never have the courage to say half of the things that i really feel which is why i tell you on the busblog straight up that im holding back, bullshitting, making shit up, and photoshopping extra smoke. which is why i truly respect ken and the guts to tell the fucking story the way it was and make it funny and sad and beautiful.

    its the way real bloggers are supposed to be every day, and every day we fail.

    somehow it’s ken who is paying for your sins. now you know the rest of the story.

    word is hes moving the wife and kid and dog to LA and hes going to take it out on the world through screenplay writing and country songs. me, i hope he takes up quarter horse gambling so i could have someone to go to the track with.

    whereever he lands it will be with fanfare and flashbulbs, fairy dust and wine. the girls will be beautiful and the copy will just write itself, until it goes blind.



  9. Tuesday, August 15, 2006

    superpowers be damned sometimes a crowbar 

    waved by an angry black man in an afro wig is all that is needed to get a job done. when i walked in the little radio shack buzzer went ding dong and i raised the crowbar and started off by saying

    “ive decided that there are two sorts of people. people who want to fuck with me and people who want to get out of the way.

    what im hoping for is that im wrong. for i like to be wrong. unlike the idiots of the world who are always trying to be right, i am always trying to be wrong. tsar wrote a song about it. they called it wrong.”

    to freak people out the most quote from a band theyve never heard of like one called tsar or quote something that faintly sounds like the bible. the odds of you running across a tsar or bible expert are slim, so go fot it.

    i continued,

    “in this example im hoping that there are actually three kinds of people. im hoping that there are either people who want to fuck with me, people who want to get out of my way, and people who want to fix my fucking car.”

    it shouldnt be hard to build up the Method needed to draw from the emotions necessary to deliver these lines. simply think about any time youve ever been massively disappointed.

    this is why there are so many great cub fan thespians.

    soon i had a complimentary coca cola at my side and the attention of pretty much everyone in pomona who had suddenly realized that there were only three kinds of people.

    Photo Hosted at Buzznetlast night i slept in my own bed. my own apartment. the apartment was clean thanks to the skills of ms jeanine ribstealer who had nothing to do one day while she was crashed at my place, unlocked the liquor cabinet and cleaned for an entire day.

    somehow the place felt like it was on its best behavior. like it couldnt believe that i was really going to leave this safe womb. like it couldnt believe that i would just up and go with very little planning, ridiculously poor packing, and no itinerary.

    the sheets were clean the windows were shiny the sun was bright the plants had been watered, the tivo had done its job and the egss were chillin and the jello was jigglin.

    and its been two days and i think the house has noticed that i havent unpacked or done anything that would make a second attempt easier. ease isnt what people should look for.

    the best thing that i saw in arizona was the smile of a gas station girl in flagstaff who knew that i had come back into the place for seconds because i was buying beer for the underaged. flagstaff which is 6000 feet above sea level and quite a trek from phoenix. but imagine the reward the indians got who climbed that mountain and enjoyed the cooler temps, lush green grass, and water, plenty of water.

    and then imagine their friends who traveled north from flagstaff one day and discovered the grand canyon.

    i thnk about the indians all the time. i went to an indian casino in zona and only saw a few indians. there were signs everywhere advertising the next big concert that they were gonna hold there. los lobos and war. old people were playing penny keno. there was a bowling alley there and i will be bringing my ball this time thats one thing i will change. and there was a video game room. and i was thinking, fuck penny keno, there should be penny video games at casinos because if you want the parents to gamble all day youve gotta let the kids play all day and sorry but even if you give them $20 most kids suck at arcade games, that shit isnt gonna last but an hour.

    and eventually the crow bar loses its edge as the day goes on and people get cocky and start wanting to talk to you which is why the afro is such a wise investment because with enough courage someone will say something like whats the afro for and then you can say its a good place to hide the guns.

    you may like to add whitey to the end but sometimes its the words left unspoken that pack the strongest punch.