1. Sunday, September 17, 2006

    i know what the problem is 

    not that there really is a problem, its just nice to start posts with declarative answers.

    the problem is that i havent written anything first thing in the morning on this shit. the problem is i started taking no for an answer on this trip. the problem is that this isnt sixteenth century hanover where people dueled for a living until the black man showed up and made swiss cheese outta people so they went to guns cuz the brotha was deadly with the sword.

    the problem is the pen is mightier than the sword but the bullet is mighter than the pen and the edjumacated lawyer is mightier than the bullet.

    the problem is the press cares what the public thinks about them which is why the public only reads the paper for on average 2 minutes a day, aka when theyre taking a crap. the problem is the public only listens to the president on average of 20 seconds a day and not-to-secretly thinks hes full of crap.

    the problem is the people really dont think that they can do much better.

    the problem is that the best people seriously care what others think and the worst people couldnt give a shit what people think and the inbetween people get squooshed by the worst people and the best people pity not love them. the problem is the republicans arent the worst people but the leadership of the GOP are the worst people because they lie not about huge things like wmds or tapping our phone lines but about sexist things like hillary clinton will make the terrorists think that they can just fly planes into buildings even though they did that with rich white men on duty.

    the problem is that we dont have an ammendment that says the people can impeach the president at any time. the problem is that we dont have an ammendment that says the people can impeach the congress at any time. the problem is that theres not an ammedment that says one day a year the congress has to appear on local tv for eight hours straight, ok fine they get an hour lunch break, to take non stop questions from the public, followed by a state-sponsored vote of confidence or no-confidence and if they fuck up there gets to be a new election two months later.

    the problem is that people are having too many kids and kids distract you worse than hos do worse than jobs do worse than sports do worse than driving while cell phoning does.

    the problem is that this bears game starts in two hours and my buddies have been tailgating since freaking 8am and i still havent taken a shower yet and its sunny out but the weatherman says its gonna start hailing during the 4th quarter. so the problem is what to wear cuz if you bring a jacket and a hat capable of protecting you during the hail and it turns out to be sunny and 75 degrees then youre all tied up with bullshit but if you play it cool and then it starts hailing then everyones all look at that idiot with shorts and a busblog tshirt on.

    therefore the answer is to shave the hair off your chest and paint a big 34 on your body so that if the hail comes you just drink a shit ton of beers, take your shirt off and smile pretty for the camera and die of exposure.

    because the answer has always been if youve gotta die somewhere it should be at wrigley field or if that fails soldier field with your fingers smelling of a girl from lake forest who didnt even know you existed yesterday.