busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, October 31, 2006

    october was a crazy month. 

    lemme tell you.

    i started this month in new york, i traveled through dc, virginia, tennesee, mississip and then new orleans. then i rolled through texas and oklahoma, new mexico, the grand canyon, zona, and then back home.

    i saw part of one of the greatest comebacks in all the nfl, i saw the pogues, i saw my 100th birthday come and go, and i saw two good friends of mine tell me to fuck off.

    my house is cleaner and more organized than ever before. my car is fine, my job is fine, my health is good, and it looks like i’ll actually have a full month here in LA to get LAist back into its record-breaking pace.

    libras really dont like drama which is why when friends tell us to fuck off we write them off and never wish to talk with them again. particularily when we’ve been nothing but good to them. plus hot chicks grow on trees.

    i learned a lot this month, way more than i learned all year i think. one thing i learned is if you have no steady girlfriend, no kids, and no school, you better make sure that your shit is smoking hot at work. i also learned that reading a chapter of the bible every sunday might not get you too deep into the good book, but it’ll do the trick.

    i also learned that the bears are a team of destiny and i better get my super bowl tickets lined up pretty soon-like. speaking of which, do i have any readers in miami?

    i also learned that despite the fact that ive told people numerous times many still dont know thatthe comments section was created by Al Gore so you can kiss my ass, ask a polite question, or provide information about young ladies who wish to parade around my house topless in ridiculously high heels. if your feelings get hurt in those comments its because you didnt say “omg tony youre the greatest.”

    no commentor has ever had their feelings hurt telling me im the greatest.

    i also learned that when i talk about people’s daughter’s 12 year old cooch’s, people take it very seriously. as if i actually had more control over their pre-teen wombs more than they do.

    the last thing that i learned this month was at Best Buy tonight. i learned that you can buy Gift Cards at the register, you can use Gift Cards at the register, but if you dare ask the person at the register how much money is left on your Gift Card they will point you to the long Customer Service line because for some reason you cannot check Gift Card balances at the register.

    when you make it very easy to take people’s money, but make it very hard for those people to access their credit you are on an expressway to corruption.

  2. Monday, October 30, 2006
  3. Sunday, October 29, 2006
  4. Friday, October 27, 2006

    for halloween im going to be a gay runway model 

    the plan is to head up to isla vista tomorrow afternoon but first totally go shopping at the oxnard outlets. omg.

    today im going to see the dixie chicks movie because nbc is daring me too. pretty brilliant if you ask me.

    south park was pretty brilliant the other day. people are uptight about it because they make fun of steve irwin the crocodile wrestler even though in this episode we see a white kid calling a black man “nigger”, the archdioses of LA equipped with small boys on leashes trying to crash Satan’s Halloween, adolph hitler dressed as the Can You Hear Me Now guy, and john wayne gacy jeffery dahmer and ted bundy in a three stooges mini sub plot.

    while totally spoofing my super sweet 16.

    and honda.

    ive said it before ill say it again, the kids today have everything. they have no reason to ever complain about shit. when i was their age we sure as hell didnt have cartoons with priests with small boys on leashes.

    meanwhile nbc wont air a commercial? i cant wait to be president.

    i also cant wait until barack obama is president. think nbc will protect him from commercials that attack things that he does or says?

    tomorrow is my man pitt‘s wedding and im sad that i cant be there with him and the other canadians but i will get drunk and piss in the street in his honor, and that of his lovely bride to be, the outlaw

    have fun kids!

  5. Thursday, October 26, 2006
  6. Wednesday, October 25, 2006

    they say when youre given lemons you should make lemonade 

    but what if youre given lemons and you wanna smoke pot?

    theres absolutely nothing that has inspired me today.

    not the boring shit not the exciting shit not the lame shit. the only reason i left the house was to go to the post office and i wanted to write about that on LAist

    and i said to myself dude the day you start writing about the post office is the day people stop reading LAist.

    this month, due in part, im afraid, to my jaunt around the country is the first month that we wont break a record. that has me a tad depressed but just a tad. and only because ive made that blog my. entire. life. small mistake.

    i havent lifted my hood since ive returned to LA which is another mistake im sure. as i know the oil gnomes are leaving just enough earl in there to make me feel comfortable enough to drive a little further than i should.

    i turned my cell phone off last night because someone was being annoying and this afternoon i realized i hadnt turned it back on and as soon as i did it started vibrating

    and it wasnt the person who i thought it was but it was chris in africa asking how everything was, and i didnt want to tell her that everything wasnt peachy but she could tell

    so i said how about we talk on saturday

    and theres a reason i never saw shopgirl in the movies. im watching it now on tivo. and its because no matter how many times i go out on dates with girls like claire danes, they never end up naked and quiet in my bed on the second date unless theyre passed out, but there she is naked and quiet on steve martins bed on the second date.

    i hate the movies.

    i dont want any fucking lemonade.

  7. busblog yahoo fantasy league 

    drafts on saturday

    League ID#: 79513
    League Name: busblog1
    Password: blogger
    Draft Type: Live Draft
    Draft Time: Sat Oct 28 12:30pm PDT
    Max Teams: 18
    Scoring Type: Head-to-Head
    Max Moves: No maximum
    Max Trades: No maximum
    Trade Reject Time: 2
    Trade End Date: March 8, 2007
    Waiver Time: 2 days
    Can’t Cut List Provider: None
    Trade Review: Commissioner
    Post Draft Players: Follow Waiver Rules
    Weekly Deadline: Daily – Tomorrow
    Start Scoring on: Week 1
    Roster Positions: PG, PG, SG, G, SF, PF, F, C, C, Util, BN, BN, BN
    Stat Categories: FGA, FG%, FT%, 3PTM, PTS, OREB, REB, AST, ST, BLK, TO

    if this fills up today we will have a second league.

    basically the busblog league is for serious GMs who have played a few times before, dont find it necessary to engage in the childish behavior of sexually based smack talk, but instead find solace in aquiring the best group of atheletes and bringing them to the playoffs

    where they will be stomped by my mighty squad.

    ruthlessly and without mercy.

    its a good league, theres activity every day, bad trades are vetoed, and public transparent gripes are recommended on the message boards.

    since i will be winning, and all.

  8. today howard stern is on the internet for free 

    you can access it by clicking here.

    jackie the jokeman is part of the free trial. you can hear his Joke Hunt show today. its pretty horrible. but sometimes thats funny. heres a joke he told a few weeks ago while i was on the road listening to Sirius 8 hours a day:

    “how do you get a gay guy to fuck a girl?
    fill her pussy with shit.”

    jackies not the reason that people are signing up to sirius.

    i watched the Joan Rivers stand up on Bravo. pretty good. shes got tons of energy. i dont know how she does it. seems like she remembers her jokes pretty well still. i usually love her but some of the jokes fell flat. still shes fearless and i love that about her.

    its been two days and i still havent gone to santa barbara yet. theres been two days of non stop news coming into the LAist email box. only a fool would drive to SB for no real good reason just for a little news piece that even the college paper isnt interested in.

    turns out theres a bunch of kids sleeping under storke tower every night to protest a few things up there including an apartment complex that kicked everyone out, affirmative action, and a missing $3.2 million.

    nothing juicy. i might just wait till friday when i hope to go to IV for halloween.

    im prepared to go as Borat in that one piece bathing suit of his.

    i miss traveling a great deal. a good friend could be using my place if i wasnt using this place. its very sad.

    because i like to sit on the couch and eat and listen to music while i type, today i realized i could easilly just rent the garage of a rich person’s house. a garage they dont use any more and remodeled.

    the only things that disturb me are the weird noises from around the grounds. weird slammings and clompings. people yelling. all i want is a little peace and quiet to get my nonsense together.

    today i wrote a headline about the Kenny Rogers cheating scandal that maybe three people got, but whatever. plus two blogs that i love linked to it so maybe they were two out of the three.

    smudge fisked.

    i laughed and got a bucket of shrimp and put it under hot water for a few minutes and laughed some more.

    then i microwaved a potato and cracked open a can of coke.

    best sound ever not emitted from a woman.

  9. Monday, October 23, 2006

    people say oh LAist is too cool for me 

    plus i dont even live there.

    to which i say yeah. you’re probably right.

    but heres what we covered today anyways

    - UCLA was superclose to beating Notre Dame but choked by allowing a three-pass 80 yard march to Touchdown Jesus.
    - How to Get an Absentee Ballot while staying Online
    - Today was the iPod’s birthday and a few other pretty famous people
    - Make Your Own Bus Stop Kit (couch not included)
    - How to Get your old Mac shit into your new MacBook
    - The entire George Brett Pine Tar Incident (9 minutes long)
    - Rocket, Yo La Tengo, Margaret Cho, Abe Vigoda (no, not Fish), D.O.A., The Bad Samaritans, and Metal Skool all played tonight. be jealous.
    - 5 stories about YouTube and one funny thing that got a brotha fired
    - 4 Facts about our Santa Ana winds. ok fine, this ONE is soooo LA i can understand if you wouldnt be into it.
    - 6 scary videos of universal appeal
    - Wee Shu Min has more than a mouthful… i mean Get an 80 hour Tivo with 1 year of service for just $125
    - Decemberists rule live even in October
    - the lady from Will & Grace has a crappy talk show by our boy Anti
    - what McDonalds Monopoly pieces you should keep an eye on
    - The Man, poking through Snoop Dogg’s computer bag, busts him for having an 8″ baton – flaccid

    photo of Kira who, if you live in Iowa could use a place to crash in a few weeks