either the Lord or the Devil has been showing me the most amazing bugs in each of my last three motel rooms. i had cockroaches in maryland, a cricket so big in virginia it had a top hat and a bow tie, and last night in tennessee i had drunk gnats.
the devil takes these road trips with me. hes a pretty good travel partner. he ties to make me fall asleep on the wheel. he spots out all the rednecks and white trash. he reminds me how easy it is to get laid and then makes all the girls i meet on the road married or dating or have terrible breath.
last night we met a check out chick at the wall mart and he was all oh no you wont and i was all watch me fucker.
and she said im so bored tonight and i said lemme take you to the chinese buffett down the street and she was all that place is horrible and i said what do you expect in central tennessee?
and she said where are you from and i said alaska and she said nah uh and i was all yes huh and the devil and her friend and her were all laughing and i told them about my trip around the world and they were all wow and i said yeah but i get so lonely out on the road and the devil tries to get me to get drunk alone on my room and do crazy things and id really like to take you somewhere nice.
and the girl was white as can be so you could see her blush and she said nothing and her friend tapped out while giggling and she said we dont really date customers and i said i will return this laundry detergent and these banannas and she said then youd be a returning customer and we laughed and she smiled the most snaggle tooth smile youve ever seen and my thing shrunk right up into my belly so when she said she couldnt i didnt ask her that magical third time and i ran to the gas station and got drunk while trying to watch Lost on my computer but the devil had fucked with the hi speed internet wifi
so i took a bath and listened to juliette lewis as i did my laundry
which he wouldnt let dry.
but it rained and i listened to it rain and i loved it so much he made it stop raining.
and now im in the loneliest mall in the country. 33% occupancy. ive been eating in the food court. chick-fil-a nuggets which are delicious and the devil hates that i can update with this EVDO card so he has whispered in the ear of all 19 security guards here that im up to no good and one of them just said sir you cannot plug your computer into the wall socket. and i said why. and he said its not for customers and i said youve got like 20 customers in this entire mall and youre gonna piss one of them off.
and he said im sorry but its the rule. and i said when i leave your mall will lose 5 per cent of its customers. your customers pay your salary. and he said i dont have a salary i get paid by the hour. and i said do you know which way north is? and he said i think its over there. and i said do you know your ass from a hole in the ground? and he spoke into his walkie talkie and now theres finally something going on in this fucking mall. and im not so lonely any more.