busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, November 30, 2006

    One Hour busblog Exclusive Contest 

    in honor of Danielle’s birthday I will be giving away two tickets to see
    …And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead playing with the Blood Brothers tonight at the Henry Fonda
    first person who emails me at thelaist @ gmail.com with their full name gets on the list

    Update: Congrats Vannessa!

  2. today is danielle and flagrant’s birthday 

    two of my favorite bloggers.

    i wish their birthdays were on separate days so i could acknowledge them in a way that best suits them, in their own spotlight, since they are both young women who deserve and demand their own spotlight,

    but they fucked up and decided to come out on this day 24 years ago. so hi.

    ive never met flagrant disregard and in a way im sorta happy about that. i like mystery. and i like people to know that i like them just for who they are, or in her case, who she appears to be. it worries me that she hasnt posted for a few weeks since shes normally a very dutiful and committed blogger, but she has an unusual life and when you have a life it sometimes gets in the way of your blog.

    either way i love her and i wish her the best and i want her to know that i think about her and i hope that she has a great day today. and to celebrate in her honor tonight i will be hosting our LAist monthly meeting (drink fiesta) in the valley.

    i have met danielle k berkely and for a short period of time we hung out every working day. twice a day. she is the essence of hotness. she is the funniest girl you will meet. she is everything shes cracked up to be and her pussy smells like rainbows.

    probably.

    people ask, why havent you two ever boned and i tell them its because i like mystery, and i like some people to know that i love them just for themselves. danielle has a style like no other. if she was part lesbian i would marry her but she doesnt like girls. she and karisa share that fault and its a good thing because if either of them did i would have to rearrange my life so i could marry them both. which would be a bummer since i like not being a millionaire.

    because i like mystery.

    danielle is the furthest thing from mystery. i knew everything about her the first time we ever spoke – it was a long conversation. she was honest and funny and trusted me and everything that i gave her she gave right back.

    the fact that she hasnt found true love, or even a decent boyfriend, in the last few years is a testament to the fact that life is so not fair, and that men in san diego have no taste and no courage and dont deserve her rainbow flavored box.

    she farted once and a butterfly came out.

    if you met danielle and didnt know her youd think that she was some fancy music producers girlfriend or some scumbag yuppy’s girlfriend or the hottest lipstick lesbian ever. youd never think that she was single. youd never think that she doesnt have cable tv unless its tennis season. youd never think that shes addicted to buying old school bicycles on ebay.

    and youd never guess that she has one of the depressingly beautiful blogs on the blogosphere.

    but in a way it shows you that it doesnt matter how gorgeous you are, how smart you are, how funny you are, how fun you are, it does not guarantee that you will find a mate whose perfect for you. and maybe thats the reason that the Lord has hardened the hearts of the good men of san diego instead of hardening their loins. to show us that we all have a bear to cross. for everything there is a season, and this is the season of the new vibrator.

    i only have a few regrets of my trip around the country. one was the hits of LAist went down. the other was i wasnt able to have a nice lunch with danielle to complete the journey.

    the other day karisa and i went to a fancy dinner and we walked past the place where danielle and i would have lunch several times a week and i took a picture for her to show her that it was still around.

    there have been sagittariuses in my life at every point of my life. and although i do my best to avoid them theyre always there. i shy away from them because there is usually something very odd about them. a small part of them is intensely weird. sometimes more than a small part. but most of the time theres something intensely amazing about them thats irresistable.

    that goes for my sister, jeff the singer of tsar, and our two birthday girls flagrant and danielle. when you have your beers tonight, raise a glass to our girl in san diego and our mystery woman in the valley. they deserve it.

    my favorite photo essay that included danielle + my interview with flagrant + video of danielle posing

  3. Tuesday, November 28, 2006

    because karisa asked for it 

    we’re in the process of redesigning LAist.

    shes one of my best friends and always gives me good advice. sometimes i even listen to her.

    occasionally we’ll be at the club and she’ll bring a little lady over and i will chat her up and let her go and karisa will be all “wtf, that was some good shit.” and i’ll be all, that ho has kids! and she’ll be all “so, shes a good person.”

    whatevs.

    i need kids right now like i need a tumor the size of my ass on my face. i love my friends who have them, and years ago i wanted to have em, but seriously, how do people manage.

    its like having a perfectly good car and taking one wheel off for no good reason. sure theyre cute but so are dogs and you dont see me getting no dog any time soon either.

    only reason i was even thinking about getting a cat was because of the mouse that cockblocked my eastern european college ass. when they make babies who can hunt down vermin and take care of themselves then i will get babies.

    i was at the Parking Services department today. kids everywhere. kids made by poor people. now my friends are edumacated and wealthy and own homes. if they want to take a wheel off their convertibles and drive down the road, they should be able to. but youre seriously gonna take a wheel off the bus?

    one kid i saw today was supercute. this lady was bitching at the window because they had put The Boot on her shit. meanwhile her three kids were actually very well behaved and sitting in their chairs and trying to be nice but the Lord puts way too much energy into those little bodies so of course one of the kids tosses his ball and it hits the chinese guy in front of him. who catches the ball with his back.

    the kid sat there. stunned. scared.

    you want this back? chinese man asks? holding up the ball that has suction cups on it. gay ball.

    the kid says nothing. adorable. looks african. like from africa.

    his brother and sister say “tell him, yes please, may i have it back” but the kid just looks at the man as if any word would cause money to say.

    “dont be shy” the chinese man says. and i want to say “dont be chinese then”. fucking kid is shy. only blowjobs are gonna break him of that shit. the instructions for getting out of the box are on the outside of the box. life isnt fair.

    so the man holds the ball out to the kid. but the kid is for some reason so shy that he asks his brother to accept the ball, he doesnt even want to hold his hand out!

    so the brother gets the ball.

    and the man turns around.

    and i say, now say thank you, kid.

    and they all look at me like im insane.

    SAY IT!

    and they do because i am insane.

  4. Monday, November 27, 2006

    today’s jimi hendrix’s birthday 

    its 443am. im sleepy, i hafta pee, ive got Mystery Train on the tivo, ive got the space heater on, ive got a big thing of apple juice on the coffee table, but i wont pee till i post on the busblog cuz if i go to the bathroom then i will brush my teeth and if i brush my teeth then i will go to bed, and if i go to bed i will read the bible because its still technically Sunday in this house, and if i read anything i will pass out.

    exchange student told me to piss off today during the bears game because she cant stand mice. i tried to convince her that i bought a bag of cotton balls and a little jar of peppermint xtract at the Vons first thing this morning and put peppermint cotton balls all around my house.

    she was all thats the most ridiculous thing ever. and i was all no baby the house smells better than it ever has and according to every web site i found mice cant stand the smell of peppermint for some reason and she said youre the weirdest man ever and i said indeed and to be honest baby with all this extract floating around in the air im starting to get a little head ache so how about coming over and giving me a little head – click.

    then the bears lost. then my neighbors asked me to help them with their flat tire. then i wrote and wrote on LAist. then i played tiger woods 2006 on my psp. then i watched 60 minutes then i watched all these Entourages in a row. then i watched the VH1 telecast of the UK Rock n Roll Hall of Fame where they inducted Led Zep, James Brown, Brian Wilson, Prince, and Bon Jovi.

    You heard me, Bon Jovi.

    Those legends. Those ground breakers. Those masters.

    On my tombstone i want it to say Life Isn’t Fair, Hopefully Heaven is Full of Fucking

    or something along those lines.

    and if there is sex in Heaven and Jon Bon Jovi is getting more tail than me im gonna have a little talk with whoevers in charge of that shit because i like You Give Love A Bad Name just as much as the next guy but nothing those fuckers ever wrote could have even made it on Coda let alone Smile or Lovesexy.

    Part of me worries that i will be alone for the rest of my life but then part of me realizes that i get so much more shit done when im not on the phone trying to charm some ho into putting on a skirt and driving over here just so i can slip my hand under it and see whats doin.

    and not only do i have a reporter going over to usc to interview the cheerleaders, but that peppermint shit totally works.

    the best of LAist from Wednesday afternoon to Monday Morning

  5. Sunday, November 26, 2006

    i cant believe that even my biggest fans 

    are saying im not blogging enough. friends i blog 6-7 times a day. just not here. i feel like dylan playing electric all of a sudden. your boy made it to the pros. go see him play in the bigs.

    do you know how many people have full time jobs being a blogger? you know one, thats for sure. and dont be scurred by the name. LAist is for everyone. freaking busblog is more LA-centric than LAist.

    i had a very nice dinner with my boss on Wednesday and he was all, put stuff that you wouldnt put on LAist on the busblog. and i was all, theres nothing i dont want to put on LAist. to me the LAist is like the New Yorker or like the Atlantic Monthly, it goes deeper and further and wider than just its name.

    and since when have you ever known tony pierce to allow himself to be limited by titles?

    last night i showed people how to make cocaine, i had a nice video of Cat Power, i called a black poker show racist, and then i showed how California has more hate groups than any other state in the US. none of that interests you? really?

    if anyone should be complaining its the people who come to LAist looking for LA-only stories.

    funny thing about the complainers over there. they sure bitched a lot at the beginning but theyve certainly shut the fuck up over the last few months. maybe theyve left. maybe they were replaced with four new readers who are very happy that LA means the World. which it does of course.

    ok so the other day a little mouse scooted across my apartment and scared the shit out of the exchange student who was exchanging fluids with me and she ran home. i called her later and said baby that happens about once or twice a year. i dont understand it but i think when it starts to get cold they look for somewhere warm to hide and i have a lot of cracks in my house and the french windows dont close all the way

    she said blah blah im never coming over there AGAIN! so i said baby how about if i get tons of poison and traps and i clean up and she said that place can never be cleaned you have shit everywhere. fuck you im out.

    so i bought all the poisons and traps and i even got these sonic repellents that the web says doesnt work but after i got rid of the cheerleaders and told anna kournikova that i wished she died in an avalanche of old train engines things werent going so well in the lovin department at the home of the busblog, so i really needed this new chick to be cool. so she was over tonight and we fell asleep in front of the fire and she woke me up with a scream and she pointed at the corner of the house by the front door and i didnt see anything but now we’re in my bedroom and to mellow her out i put some clothes at the foot of the door so nothing can crawl through and she says that if i dont get a cat in the next few days she will never come over here again.

    it will be black and its name will be killer.

    i also had a nice chat with karisa tonight and after we hung up i decided that i really need to make a screenplay of the day i did so much acid i couldnt walk and my buddy got busted by the cops for having a little pot plant on his porch and when they went into his house they discovered he had eight eightballs of coke and four plants growing in his closet and i saw it all from outside in a car while i was on acid.

    its not that i want to write a screenplay. i want to buy a house in isla vista. they cost a million dollars. and karisa was telling me that means your mortgage is ten grand a month. and as much as i enjoy being a professional blogger, currently my salary is a tad less than ten thousand dollars a month.

    prediction for the big game tomorrow (today) patriots 20, ditka 21

  6. Saturday, November 25, 2006

    last night jeanine and i saw the dixie chicks 

    dixie chicks

    at the staples center. we were in section 317 row one. which are pretty great seats, especially since they were free. editorship has its privileges.

    we parked about three blocks away from staples in a downtown lot that cost us $5. a twenty dollar savings that was instantly given to the stadium and their $7 shots.

    the show was pretty good considering. the sound was turned way down for some reason and the lighting man had it on automatic meaning the lights went spastic for no good reason during the weirdest moments and the screen behind the band showed some of the lamest graphics this blogger has ever seen.

    even though jeanine and i havent been bf/gf in 13 years or so, we still hold hands and kiss and tell each other i love you which is very sweet. she put her head on my shoulder during one very pretty song and started to weep a tad which almost made me weep a tad.

    i really like the dixie chicks, theyre excellent musicians, singers, and songwriters, which is why its so sad that their stage show it totally lacking. plus ive never heard such a horrible sound mix at Staples.

    it did not ruin our night though. it was just nice to be together.

    afterwards we went back to the lot to retrieve the car and we saw a young lady get out of a car. she had a very short miniskirt and patent leather boots so tall that she had problems walking in them.

    normally when people see someone dressed like that theyd say “fucking whore” but this girl actually did look like a hooker. and being that it was downtown, who knows, she could have been one, but she didnt look over to us even after both me and jeanine hooted and told her she looked hot.

    seriously why dress like a ho if youre not going to appreciate people going nuts over you?

    and then i realized we were in my fucked up looking car

    which was two quarts of oil short, we realized, upon arriving in pasadena.

    but since my car is magic and can run on zero oil it was all, whatever bros, where next?

    today’s LAist posts: why is hip hop hold em’s logo a a spade? + purple weed + how to make cocaine

  7. Friday, November 24, 2006

    yes Adriel i had a lovely nap 

    and what’s weird about it is i read your comment in the last post right after my nap which made it a tad creepy as if i had left my web cam on and you knew i was asleep.

    maybe you just have esp.

    ive been a little under the weather and although i was invited to a few thanksgiving dinners i declined because i didnt want to give anyone my cold or whatever this is. so i drove down to The Pantry which was packed. id never seen it that packed ever at 3pm and as i waited to get the counter guy’s attention it dawned on me that maybe instead of ordering one turkey dinner special to go, i should order two and give one to a homeless person who didnt have a fireplace and a directv waiting for them when they got back home.

    like you, i enjoy giving to charity, even though i dont do it nearly enough, and sometimes i might give a buck or two to someone and they’ll ask for three and i’ll be all wtf.

    but today i drove about three blocks east of the pantry on my way to Skid Row and i saw an old black dude digging through the garbage and i was all yep thats the guy. so i turned left and by the time i got there he had crossed the street to go to another garbage can so i had change three lanes. i rolled down my passengers window and i was all hey bro you want some turkey? and he said yes!

    and i handed him a huge plastic bag and he was all, thank you. i was all happy thanksgiving. and he was all god bless, i love you.

    i love you?

    and i’ll tell you i smiled all the way home, way happier than i thought i would be.

    got home, ate half of it cuz they really pile it on at the pantry, ate the slice of pie that goes with it and passed out within minutes.

    im not sure if it was the turkey or the Benedryl D or the fact that i had a great dinner meeting with my boss the other day and felt totally relaxed but i got a nice long perfect nap.

    but now its 236am and im totally awake. im thinking about staying up and seeing if i can make it to 4:30am cuz if i do i might drive over to Circuit City and get one of those laptops that theyre selling for $99 during their Black Friday sale.

    on my way home from the pantry i interviewed people who were already in line for the computer. the guy i interviewed said he never had a computer before.

    life is very weird. people are living very different lives than me. i am very grateful.

    tonight i found this video on YouTube that uses most of Tsar’s Ordinary Gurl with clips from a movie that looks horrible. but its nice and weird to think that people are so into Tsar that theyre using a 6 yr old song for a new movie.

    adriel + chokey chicken is back + lindsay is looking for a spanking + zulieka has mice

  8. Thursday, November 23, 2006
  9. Wednesday, November 22, 2006

    yes i have the greatest friends 

    yes i pay ridiculously low rent, yes i have good health, yes ive been able to survive 100 years without anything super horrible happening to me, yes im happy that my mother is in good shape, yes im thrilled that the Cubs are finally spending money on their team, yes im totally shocked at how good this Bears team is, and yes im glad that i continue to wow the ladies with my skills between the sheets,

    but the thing im most thankful for today, on the eve of Thanksgiving Day, is something i havent had in a very long time, and thats a job that i adore that adores me right back.

    its 420am wednesday morning. last night karisa and i went to a private party at the elegant el rey theatre on the miracle mile on wilshire. i was invited because of my job. we dined on food catered by wolfgang puck because of my job. i get to write to you at this retarded hour because of my job, and i get to wake up tomorrow whenever i damn well please because i have a killer gig.

    when you live as long as i have you end up in a lot of different occupations, but since i was a teensy weensy lad i dreamed of writing professionally. at first i wanted to be a sportswriter, and then a music reviewer, and then a columnist. but unfortunately life has a way of dashing your dreams, crushing your spirit, and laughing at your wishes.

    at that point you can either take a machine gun to your office and go out in a blaze of glory, you can shrug it off and go back to pounding the pavement, or you can sell out to the lowest bidder. and sometimes you can get lucky as hell.

    as Editor of the LAist (the only thing that has ever kept me away from you, loyal busblog readers) i have the rare opportunity of writing about sports, music, politics, television, and even private parties at newly renovated rock clubs. and working for the likes of Jake Dobkin, i have the pleasure of enjoying a freedom like never before. bro never calls me, barely writes me, and only gives advice when asked.

    unlike some who ive worked for, when he said in june that all he cared about was hits, he meant it. when i told him my plans in june he listened but took no notes because all he cared about was our mutual success. when i told him that i wanted to drive around the country all he said was when you come to ny lemme know and i’ll get you drunk.

    because of that respect and confidence and freedom ive worked pretty much every day for the last six months, never taking a full day off. even on the road i was available for phone calls, emails, or emergencies, and i posted just as many times in Toronto as i did in Hollywood. and each month the hits kept coming. (thank God.)

    this month we’re on a pace to triple the traffic LAist had last November, which for a big site is quite an accomplishment. and we did it without any sex, nudity, outrageousness, controversy, or trickery. and what im most proud of, as an editor, is some of the biggest days that we had were due to stories written by some of our newest contributers.

    and your boy Anti captured a real LA gunfight on video. for your ass. which hopefully will be the last time he puts himself in the line of fire for a blog.

    anyways i had some good jobs in the past, but never have so many of my skills been used in such a way. never have i had so much freedom to work when i wanted where i wanted. and never have i been able to be part of almost instant success that grows each month. for money.

    the only thing i havent gotten yet because of LAist is laid. so i guess the busblog still has a purpose after all.

    carolyn got me the gig + jen leads by example + the ny times is stoking us