1. Tuesday, November 28, 2006

    because karisa asked for it 

    we’re in the process of redesigning LAist.

    shes one of my best friends and always gives me good advice. sometimes i even listen to her.

    occasionally we’ll be at the club and she’ll bring a little lady over and i will chat her up and let her go and karisa will be all “wtf, that was some good shit.” and i’ll be all, that ho has kids! and she’ll be all “so, shes a good person.”


    i need kids right now like i need a tumor the size of my ass on my face. i love my friends who have them, and years ago i wanted to have em, but seriously, how do people manage.

    its like having a perfectly good car and taking one wheel off for no good reason. sure theyre cute but so are dogs and you dont see me getting no dog any time soon either.

    only reason i was even thinking about getting a cat was because of the mouse that cockblocked my eastern european college ass. when they make babies who can hunt down vermin and take care of themselves then i will get babies.

    i was at the Parking Services department today. kids everywhere. kids made by poor people. now my friends are edumacated and wealthy and own homes. if they want to take a wheel off their convertibles and drive down the road, they should be able to. but youre seriously gonna take a wheel off the bus?

    one kid i saw today was supercute. this lady was bitching at the window because they had put The Boot on her shit. meanwhile her three kids were actually very well behaved and sitting in their chairs and trying to be nice but the Lord puts way too much energy into those little bodies so of course one of the kids tosses his ball and it hits the chinese guy in front of him. who catches the ball with his back.

    the kid sat there. stunned. scared.

    you want this back? chinese man asks? holding up the ball that has suction cups on it. gay ball.

    the kid says nothing. adorable. looks african. like from africa.

    his brother and sister say “tell him, yes please, may i have it back” but the kid just looks at the man as if any word would cause money to say.

    “dont be shy” the chinese man says. and i want to say “dont be chinese then”. fucking kid is shy. only blowjobs are gonna break him of that shit. the instructions for getting out of the box are on the outside of the box. life isnt fair.

    so the man holds the ball out to the kid. but the kid is for some reason so shy that he asks his brother to accept the ball, he doesnt even want to hold his hand out!

    so the brother gets the ball.

    and the man turns around.

    and i say, now say thank you, kid.

    and they all look at me like im insane.

    SAY IT!

    and they do because i am insane.