busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, December 31, 2007

    from a busblog blog post 

    on January 2, 2007


    …my job is to make the trend on the graph continue to soar at ridiculous angles for LAist.

    my hobby on the busblog is to write whatever the fuck i want to write whenever i feel like it doesnt get in the way of my job.

    in the comments a few weeks ago someone asked in this blog what i was trying to prove over at LAist and why couldnt i spend a little more time writing the busblog and less time concerned about LAist. and it was a good question despite coming from one of our quasi competitors.

    the only thing im trying to prove at LAist is that mr snoecks passion and robyn bells trust was not wasted on me. and im proving that the daily nexus never loses.

    if i lose some of you as readers so be it, this blog has never ever tried to get the most readers. if i lose some ad dollars in the long run so be it i never wanted ads on here in the first place. and if i miss out on some hot babes because im spending too much time on the j.o.b. so be it theres so many hot babes in la that the only single men who arent getting any are the ones who arent asking for the sale.

    and let me be the first to tell you that if you write a good enough blog you dont even have to ask for it half the time.

    my resolutions for 2008? a similar ridiculous upward trend for the LA Times’ blogs (a feat that i believe will be easier than what i did at LAist)…

    two LA Times blogs in the Technorati Top 500, right now we dont even have one in the Top 2000.

    and four LA Times blogs in the Technorati Top 1000.

    and i bet you there will be a return of traffic to the busblog in a manner that my bosses will be happy and comfortable with, if not stoked.

    2007 was the year of the sellout, 2008 will be the year of the comeback.

    and the busblog will remain ad-free, as God intended. the only exception will be ads for non profits.

    and i will go back to linking more often. for example today on LAist Bob Thompson interviewed Buzz from the Melvins and he disses the Beastie Boys.

  2. My 50 Favorite LAist Headlines of 2007 

    christie at thai in toronto

    yes i cant wait to get back to LA to start my second week at my spanking brand new job. but what a lot of people forget is, i left a pretty awesome job, that i truly loved. one thing i loved the most was writing wacky headlines. here are my faves of ’07 – in no particular order – other than theyre mostly chronological starting with the most recent.

    Exclusive Interview with The Most Deceptive Sign in LA
    Scoble Wants to Punch the Designer of the Kindle
    UCSB Students Dressed as Clowns Pun’k The CIA
    Mr. Whipple Now Squeezing Charmin with the Angels
    The State of Outdoor Ads in Hollywood Today, aka OMG
    TMZ Takes Blogging to a New Low, Sponsored by AT&T
    Dog the Bounty Hunter Pretty Much Hates “Niggers”
    Lamar Odom Crashes the Boards Benz
    Comcast Hates The Bible & Filesharing & They Lie?
    Did J.K. Rowling Try To Show Her Hogwarts to Kids Yesterday at the Kodak Theatre?
    Ficus? Ficyou! Emergency Meeting to Save Doomed Santa Monica Trees Set For Tonight
    Sorry Craigslisters “Who Don’t Belong in Orange County”, Your Irvine Brothel Got Busted
    Guy Hiking with a Guy with a Sword ends up in Hospital
    Der Scorpions Vill Rock Der Gibson Tonight
    Palm Springs Satanists or just Bored Kids?
    Both Lanes of 101 Closed, Now Opened, But Screwed
    Right Now Van Halen is Getting Even Weirder
    Dead Body On the 605 Closes Freeway
    One Reason Not to Jump Off a Bridge This Weekend
    Stoners Volunteer to Save California by Being Taxed
    Is Bud Selig a Racist or does he Just Hate Baseball?
    Bart Simpson Art Determined to be seen in Hollywood
    What the Funky Winkerbean?
    Fake Osama Hassled in Downtown LA, Real Osama Fine
    The Family that Robs Together gets Popped Together
    Michael Moore’s Gross Deal is Sick
    The President is Daring You to Impeach Him
    Four Delicious Words: Atwater Village Cookie Contest
    World’s Largest Pupusa Determined to be Made in LA
    Miss USA Falls, Gets Booed, and Still Beats Mexico?
    Carl’s sues Jack over Angus
    Hey, You Got Salmonella in My Peanut Butter…
    Thanks in part to her Husband, Hillary Clinton is Assured Much Coveted Reverse-Cowgirl Vote
    Santa Monicans Told to Quit Bitching About Dogs
    Hey You Got Listeria in my Oscar Mayer Louis Rich Chicken Breast Strips with Rib Meat
    Interview with a dude who looked like Johnny Knoxville at the Dodger Game
    “One day this shit isn’t going to be people running. One day people are gonna be prepared for police to come and fuck with them.”
    Size Doesn’t Matter? Tell That to the Porno Burrito
    A Mind is a Terrible thing to Smell
    Mayor Tony – There’s a Snake on Yr Plane
    Yahoo Mail Offers Unlimted Storage for your Spam
    Did Chuck Henry Totally Diss The New Mother Yesterday Who Didn’t Know She Was Pregnant Until Two Days Before The Birth And Also Has A Dead Front Tooth?
    Dodgers Bury Lede: BEER RETURNS TO BLEACHERS
    Exta, Extra, Inventor of the Remote Dies – Turn Your TV On and Off 21 Times as a Salute
    Monrovia Mayor Told His Campaign Manager Is A Two-Bagger
    OC Cop Gets Off in Court after Masturbating on Stripper During Questionable Traffic Stop
    Attention Virgins: We Might Have Found Something of Interest For You
    Dear Minorities, Please Give Us Your Umbilical Cord Blood. Love, Kaiser
    Why Dieting is a Fucking Bitch

  3. Sunday, December 30, 2007
  4. my mom worries that the government spies in on our phone calls 

    i teller that there are benefits for the illegal wiretapping and she refuses to see things the way of a real optimist. today reddit linked to this story that will hopefully make her see the light, and turn lemons into lemonade

    or in this case Potatoes.

    An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

    Dear Fred,
    I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me.
    Love,
    Dad

    A few days later he received a letter from his son.

    Dear Dad,
    For heaven’s sake, don’t dig up that garden! That’s where I buried the BODIES!
    Love,
    Fred

    At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

    Dear Dad,
    Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
    Love,
    Fred

    yr tax dollars at work

  5. the problem with individual photographs 

    is that they dont tell the whole tale

    for example this man above might seem like a bitter tourist whose wallet was stolen in the subway, whose date has left never to return, and whose mouth seems filled with chicken wings.

    the truth however is his wallet was stolen on the way to the subway, his date left in a disgusted huff and texted Raymi with the filth that she was subjected to. but once she was told “tony was just kidding” she replied with “wait, tony PIERCE”? and returned with a big smile; an attitude adjustment that was far more reasonable for canada. and those are nachos hes grubbin on.

    but then duane got herpes

    but then general pitt had to explain (coatless in the cold, mind you) that it wasnt Real herpes

    then the karaoke went down. one of the best was Michael Jihad – as the dj suggested

    the politically correct college gals booed the host and his jokes but drank up anyway

    the asian cop from halloween (who sang w/ the gorgeous twins) did a classic U2 number

    raymi and duane patiently waited their turns as me and my cam got drunk

    then pitt did a duet with one of the middle eastern ladies

    a pogues holiday classic

    when duane hit the stage people started heading towards the exits

    so pitt jumped on stage to add a little air guitar color

    the dj still wasnt impressed

    when raymi was finally allowed to sing, all the girlies got up to snap their pics

    the tourist was as impressed as anyone

    tonight dinosaurs!

    after church.

    some of the above pix by px who has more here

  6. Saturday, December 29, 2007

    hi mom im in toronto 

    this is an old dummy at this place where i got my new hat gloves and scarf

    ah yes, we were at Honest Ed’s

    this is fil videotaping me photographing him

    this is duane and his drunk induced stain

    this is raymi fed up with the shenanigans

    theres a little snow still on the ground but not much. its 1 degree celcius

    this is christie at this cool thai place we ate at

    i took the subway home after thai food. i ended up here.

    now off to watch maple leaf hockey with pitt and le kids

  7. Friday, December 28, 2007

    my mom says im not being fair to the worlds busiest airport 

    because she saw me take pics of the beautiful snowfall as we were driving

    indeed here is her email

    Hi Tony. Why don’t you put up some of those beautiful pictures of the snow you took on the way to the airport?? Then people will see that it really did snow!!!! Biased reporting if you ask me.

    You left your sunglasses here. Look for a cheap pair.

    Love,
    Mom

    so heres the townhouse development that i grew up in

    heres the house i grew up in

    heres where used to be a playground that apparently the association could no longer maintain

    i invented an odd baseball game involving a neighbors wall. odd because the goal was to bounce the ball over the wall for a “homer”. odd because the neighbor never gave us back our balls.

    its good to see the puke green is still being forced on this row of homes

    this is where my sister moved to right up the hill from where we grew up, but then bailed

    this place only used to sell corvettes, but now SUVs are more in fashion i guess

    this is what it looks like near my old highschool

    you never dont know what village or township or city youre in – plenty of signage

    in the land of obama, i saw zero signs, but many for the congressman from texas

    still thats only 1 inch of white stuff. maybe two if yr lucky. and yet my plane is delayed two hours. bah humbug!

  8. ok so that looks bad when you read it. 

    looks like your boy picked a shitty day to fly out of the worlds busiest airport and up to canada where the lakes are frozen and the ladies are warm.

    only problem is, all those flights were canceled cuz of ONE inch of snow.

    one inch = “storm”? thats quite an angry inch.

    in my day we walked to school up hill both ways barefoot in way more than ONE inch of snow.

    backwards.

    without gloves.

    we didnt know any gay people but if we saw a kid with gloves we would have called him gay, stolen his gloves, broken a hole in the ice and thrown the gloves in the damn hole.

    dont believe me? my mom gave me gloves today cuz i lost the $3 gloves i brought with me, and two kids jumped out of the bushes, beat my ass, called me a queer, and ran off with my mittens to the nearest lake where they would properly get deposited.

    sure sometimes when you threw rocks at the lake the lake threw rocks back at you in the way of splitting in half while you were on the lake but that taught you to respect nature.

    still we rose from the lake frozen but wiser.

    and men.

    whoever’s running O’Hare today are clearly terrorists because ONE INCH of snow does not cancel flights, if you ax me. even the gays know this.

    how do i know this? because theres a gay guy next to me who just said, “omg this is so gay.” and a lesbian nodded in agreement. i shit you naught. then we all made out cuz we are b-o-r-e-d.

    if someone produces some iPod speakers we’re gonna have a damn Soul Train dance line competition cuz everyones loving my Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings mp3s.

    because blogging is the finest form of reporting of all time, next to the MSM of course, here is an action shot of what the airport looks like right out side of Terminal 2, gate E1 at THIS VERY MOMENT



    tell me that that looks like the type of weather that could/should/would cause 400+ flights to get canceled.

    go ahead tell me that.

    terrorists win and win and win and win. and if you axe me, i blame the water lobby. fuckers “caught” me trying to smuggle in a nice fresh bottle of water through the xray machines and then 10 feet later they sell me a new bottle of water for $2.75. all these flights were canceled to sell more quarter water for $2.75.

    i blame bush.

  9. a very long time ago i was in high school. 

    when i was in high school there were very few girls who i had the hots for who werent cheerleaders. one of those girls was named laura.

    laura played tennis and had a sister who smoked pot and turned me on to led zeppelin and if i remember correctly went with me to the movies and we saw sixteen candles and kissed me afterwards and when my mom saw the look in my eyes after the date thought that i was on drugs.

    as you know im 101 years old. so when i arranged for she and i to go out tonight i was terrified that she was 400 lbs. because of course after you have 2 kids and make it to 101 years old youre going to be – healthy.

    because illinois is filled with special magic, laura looked almost exactly the same, which is alot like chickie from fast times at ridgemont high.

    back in high school i had a terribly huge crush on laura but i knew she was out of my league so after she broke up with her bf right before prom i hooked her up with my buddy jack. they ended up getting married a few years later, when they were both 22. theyd been married the whole time. until recently.

    so tonight we talked about life, high school, and what had happened in our lives since we last saw each other, some 87 years ago.

    needless to say we shut down the fancy restaurant that we dined in, and the TGIF where we had tall Stellas, shots of Bailey’s, and a ice cream topped brownie.

    we probably could have talked all night because very few people today knew who i was way back then. but laura did. and its so odd that the same girl who was all, dude heres led zep 1 and 2 is now an elementary school librarian. and just as hot.

    but the best is that that spark from the night we saw sixteen candles was still there and everything that i liked about her then still remained. and then some.

    and if i come back to chicago before she gets married again, i hope she will go to a cubs game with me, like she promised tonight. and then a lil game of stopwatch.

    ps tomorrow at 11:30am i will be having lunch with my bro Bobby D at the Harry Caray’s by O’Hare. if i havent seen you yet and you wanna knock back a few Old Styles with me, come and look around. but i cant be there too long cuz i hafta catch a plane before the snow comes down. but come!