nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, February 16, 2007

    rarely do i give a fuck what anyone thinks but 

    this morning when i woke up and i fired up the gmail and read something by someone trying to be funny, i think…

    tony pierce

    fired from buzznet
    deleted from wikipedia
    banned by metafilter

    you should make a t-shirt

    well, maybe it is sorta funny. later in the day i was reminded by some good friends that i had also been banned by the nexus too.

    youd think i was an enormous asshole. maybe i am an enormous asshole because most the time im all, thats why im being fired/deleted/banned – i can think of way more spectacular ways to go out.

    tim hardaway for example flamed out pretty spectacularly this week. i think theres a lack of outrage because we’re all still in shock that he said that he straight up hates gays.

    “You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known. I don’t like gay people and I don’t like to be around gay people. I’m homophobic. I don’t like it. It shouldn’t be in the world or in the United States.” he said.

    if youre gonna go out and be despised, thats how to do it.

    to be despised because you were telling people that howard stern got engaged, thats just sad.

    but things happen for weird reasons, and sometimes for seemingly no reason. and if i have extra time on my hands, isnt writing on the busblog better for all parties involved than posting on a message board that has plenty of varied voices, where i am not even a drop in the bucket?

    we had our LAist meeting tonight at the ye old rustic. any girl who ends up topless at my house knows how hard it is to get me to go outside. and they definitely know how hard it is to get me to agree on a date to meet somewhere and actually follow through on the agreement. i hate schedules. i hate having to be somewhere.

    our monthly meetings are always good and tonights was really good. we crammed into the giant booth in the back and drank so many pitchers. before we started our waitress told me, “you have some fans at the bar” but i thought she was either kidding or talking about some LAisters who were asking where our table was in the dark room.

    and then later someone said there are your fans, cant you see they keep looking over here? but the lakers were on the tv above me so i just figured they were looking at the tv. eventually basart went over to the table and drank with them and after a beer he waved me over which was highly unusual since how rude of me to leave my fellow contributers of LAist, a table i was hosting. but what if they were fans? on a shitty day thats when you need fans.

    well they were, and the dude reminded me that i had met him once before at the troubadour at a tsar show. i was all, opening for juliette lewis? and he was all no, you were drinking with karisa. and i was all, hmmm. but i do remember meeting him and he was so nice to me tonight. going off on how much he loves the busblog and now LAist.

    we drank, later we shared a shot of something red that had rum and grapefruit juice in it. i sat next to an asian republican. we talked a little about tsar and then i excused myself to go back to the LAist table. and then i had a great time with them.

    so the lesson is get out of the house every now and then and since nothing in here is true let me tell you about the craziest prayer i had last night. now ive been saying my prayers before i go to bed ever since i was a wee lad. but last night i was going through the same old routine, which they say you shouldnt do, they say you should just pray from your heart, when all of a sudden my prayer was interrupted.

    if youve ever been on a phone call and the operator breaks in, thats exactly what happened. and instead of me saying the same prayers ive been saying every night for years someone else broken in and said ok this is what youre gonna do. youre gonna start going to bed at a reasonable hour. youre gonna stop watching so much tv. youre going to start running. youre gonna start writing better on your shit. quit listening to the devil. quit believing in negative possibilities. quit being a little bitch. if you believe in me then fucking believe.


    and for the first time in a very long time i set my alarm clock so i would wake up at a reasonable hour. and since now its 342 i better peace out and find out whose gonna say the prayers tonight.

  2. Wednesday, February 14, 2007

    i read a lot of blogs. 

    in a way i get paid to read blogs. and ive been reading blogs pretty much since they started.

    since we find ourselves in the middle of Award Season, today is a perfect day to announce the 2006 Anna Awards.

    this year instead of one or two winners we have four.

    they are all women, they all use blogspot, and the reason why the members of the academy chose them is because they all exemplify a punk rock aesthetic, they all blog in an extremely personal manner, and they all write in a way that occasionally – if not often – makes me laugh.

    the first blogger that we have is xTx, one of two anonymous bloggers who are being recognized today. xTx is raunchy, funny, sexy, and sometimes disgusting. she writes every day, she keeps it real. last year she was the sole Anna winner and remained just as vital this year.

    next comes flagrant disregard whose blog has never ceased to amaze me. in a very unique melding of paranoid, together, and insane, whoever flagrant is she writes incredibly well and has a fascinating story to tell. an almost unbelievable story. definitely not for people who think that trying to catch up with Lost is challenging.

    the next winner is erin from chicago. she can be even more disgusting than xTx and sometimes even funnier. like her pal jessica, IT ALWAYS SEEMS BETTER WHEN SHES ALL CAPSING AND TELLING SOME DUDE SHE FAKED ALL HER ORGASMS. even though raymi will tell you that she invented it.

    last and not least is the pants, a young lady who is pretty much completely out of control and very good at documenting it. and whats most interesting is the stories that she tells on her blog are simply the tip of the trainwreck iceberg. its punk meets the blues meets an xrated rough draft of a suicide note slash treasure map. ive known three girls like ms pants. ones dead and forgotten the others a fullon housewife milf and the third is a sherrifs deputy in the prison where her expertise is keeping incarcerated male gangmembers in line. the third is also an amazing mom.

    there are dozens of honorable mentions but you all know who you are. i love most of the blogs that ive been reading for years but i only had four annas to give away.

    however i would like to mention these honorable mentions: matt welch for his long long long crazy nerdy appealing to probably two people in the whole world posts about baseball on matt welch dot com.

    and raymi the minx for bringing it just as hard as ever, but she didnt get me laid in toronto like she promised so fucker. kidding. truth be told i bet all the winners this year would say that raymi has influence their style a little. maybe not flagrant so much, but raymi deserved her best canadian blogger awards and wrote furiously all year multiple times a day. beautifully. if she lived in LA people would be saying corey kennedy who?

    congratulations everyone and thanks for hitting publish on your killer shit.

  3. did i wish you a happy valentines day 

    happy day. may you find love in all of the best parts of your life today.

    as i wrote in my previous post, this morning i was shocked and amazed by the engagement announcement of americas most popular radio personality, mr howard stern.

    because its my job and my love to spread the news of the day, i took it upon myself to let the good kids at metafilter know about todays first story of love, one of a freakishly tall, most would say unattractive, 50something man who successfully wooed an amazonian goddess to promise to be his forever.

    unfortunately because it was still pretty early in the morning, most of the major newspapers and online sites hadn’t yet poured their first cup of coffee let alone opened up their RSS readers so for a while LAist was the only source telling this news.

    so before i hit the hay i posted it on metafilter, despite knowing that linking to ones own blog, website or project, is not allowed. my thinking was that it would be allowed because at that time there was nobody else reporting on it yet.

    the worse i thought would happen is a bunch of people would call bullshit, the link would change, the post would get deleted, and life would go on.

    but metafilter is a strange beast. which is part of its charm but also part of the reason people hesitate from joining (and sometimes even reading) what i consider to be the best group blog on the web. basically my post was ridiculed, my character was called into question, and some claimed to be offended by my hyperlink and demanded that i owe them an apology.

    some asked that my 6 year account be revoked.

    and some in the crowd asked for the life to be taken from me and my flesh be served for supper.

    i like those people.

    anyways i did apologize for breaking the rule, i promised them that i wouldnt do it again and although some people totally got it, unfortunately it wasnt good enough for a few.

    sometimes Buddah hold up a flower and everyone is enlightened, sometimes hes called a fat piece of shit get off the stage.

    because ive been contributing to the web through various means using my own name for many years, it’s pretty easy for a my bad misunderstanding of a rule to spiral into a full on bash, once someone gets on google and sees my history of trying new things on the blogosphere, from selling links to my link page, to asking my readers to send me to aruba, to auctioning off my afro. if i piss people off, its very easy to collect ammunition on me and then use it against me.

    plus my spellinggrammar is so retarded that the lazy can always simply jump on that one in a pinch.

    its no wonder that far more popular bloggers, editors, and writers avoid message boards and refuse to put open comments on their blogs. but if you ask me thats not very web 2.0 of them. or courageous. or participatory. heres what i think i dont care what you think? how well has that worked for anyone?

    usually i write this blog to the ladies of the house. ive said several times that the busblog serves one purpose and one purpose only, to get me laid. and thats true.

    but on this post im whispering in the ear of any blogger out there or wannabe blogger or writer or storyteller or diarist or even commenter of a message board – dont let the group stop you from saying things, dont let the negative or critical people slow you down. obey the rules, but if you find out that you broke one, dont do it again. but keep doing things.

    when you write there are two voices. one thats trying to tell you the story and the other thats telling you that you suck. some say the reason some of the old timey writers got drunk all the time was to quiet the latter voice.

    when i first started this blog i got a lot of negative commentors and slowly they went away. at LAist theres 100 times the traffic and a fair share of people who are perfectly happy to tell me i suck and anything new im trying to do or different or outside their comfort zone is horrible and i should be shot.

    because im old and crusty and black and a long suffering chicago cub fan, luckilly i couldnt give a shit what people say about me in the comments of this blog, that one, or any of em.

    but i do worry about the kids.

    it doesnt happen as much as it used to, but there was a stretch of time where i would regularly get people writing in saying how they admire me and are inspired by me and started blogging because of this blog. i know they see the comments that get written about me. and i notice when i see them stop blogging.

    when people stop sharing their ideas or communicating or experiment with writing styles or stop trying to figure out whats possible on the web – and fear wins, then this whole gift of the internet is wasted.

    i broke a rule on one of my favorite sites. my bad. seriously, my bad. but the reaction was so overwhelming that it made me think way differently about the site. but that too was the devil in my head trying to find an ideal moment to try to ruin something i love by whispering negative shit in my ear when im sleepy and trying to find the humor in the flames.

    later today i will announce the 2007 Annas, the busblog award for the best bloggers of the previous year. last year xTx won for her very personal and wonderful blog at notimetosayit.blogspot.com .

    this year its a three way tie, and the winners were easy to pick because they seriously dont give a fuck, or at least they dont appear to. which of course is the place you want to be when you write.

    so that you have practice for when you’re walking around.

    Update: After a 200+ comment Metatalk, the big man of Metafilter revoked his pardon and banned me after all. Even though i felt i was upfront with everyone and i did apologize, Matt doesn’t seem to think it was good enough and explained thusly, “Anyway, I don’t think Tony has taken it very gracefully here and could have been much more direct and upfront and simply apologized and a lot of people are pissed about it so I’m going to have to set his account to banned.”

    Earlier in the thread I accepted y2karl’s suggestion for a self-imposed timeout, but theres politics in every walk of life. even in the threads of messageboards.

  4. even if youre not superrad 

    by the time you reach 100, odds are you will have found yourself with more than a few examples of romantic love.

    and even though all ive had to suffer through lately is lust, i can easily recall more than a few unique loves of my life.

    indeed, each one was so different and uniquely powerful that one might argue that if there is a God and if he is Good that he might have a good plan for us. or some might simply say some people just get lucky at getting lucky.

    all i know is ive asked pretty much every girlfriend ive had to marry me and thankfully theyve all said no because the next girl around the corner ended up being pretty fantastic too, and in many cases became friendly with the previous gfs.

    ive also done my fair share of drugs, ive dranken more than my fair share of booze, ive experienced the highs and lows of daytrading, undercover helicopter piloting, and fourway sex with three other girls and still i tell you that once in love there is no more psychedelicly fuckedupinagoodway feeling ever.

    i was so content with one girl that i never wanted to leave the bed. like not even to move even. with another i would do the most dangerous things, and with a third i felt like we were having outer body experiences while simply making out.

    one must be very careful with such powerful chemicals just waiting to be hatched to an unsuspecting brain.

    alot of girls didnt know what they were in for when i became their bf because thanks to some abnormality caused by a failed xbi experiment my deal would not get soft after action. just a little sensitive. and at first the ladies were all score but then they were all omg i ate too much cake.

    but there was one who was ready, two actually, three if you count the nympho in frisco, and her cousin, ok there were a few who were ready for focused attention but really only one who i thought would last. ok two. ok three.

    and then the genx gene kicks in, which is insane because im clearly far too old for that generation, and i stop caring about everything, including the newly retooled cubs, pot, and the prospect of a plasma tv in the future.

    which is actually according to zen a super good place to be

    but then i will see a picture of someone super special and you see no flaws no errors no bad possibilities pure joy and youre back being a human being again.

    capable of love,


    which is even better.

  5. i know it sounds ridiculous 

    but LAist may have been the first publication to post that Howard Stern got engaged.

    With quotes.

    And now links.

    The truth of the matter is I date some very popular young ladies, and tomorrow one of them was inclined to be with someone who thinks that shes his girlfriend. So she was at my house tonight.

    Around 3am we finish celebrating her sexiness, and she pulled her boots back on and i kissed her good night and she sped off in her little car that goes beep beep beep and i turned on the sirius satelite radio and howard was saying that he proposed last night to long time girlfriend Beth O.

    and because i was in the perfect state of mind, particularily after having had a dinner earlier in the evening with yesterdays birthday girl jeanine, i was able to write not only the first post about Howards engagement

    but some might say the best.

    anyways, there it be. i will now shower, brush my teeth, and go to sleep. its 501am, beep.

  6. Tuesday, February 13, 2007

    today is jeanines 28th birthday 

    thats a painting i did, it was supposed to be of jeanine but it turned into a painting of a mexican lady born to monkeys at the zoo jeanine escape and found an evil princess who turned her into an 18 year old girl and sent her to isla vista california home of one thing and one thing only, 19 year old tony pierce. the first two dates were miserable and the third was even worse so i was all no really no really lez be friends.

    and i sorta meant it but not really and one day it was raining, sorta like a day like today and it was grey and cloudy and isla vista is usually like 100% perfect and sunny even at night. the girls float down the streets and the gutters are filled with taffy. the billygoats come up to you and ask you to lower your voice there are women present and the mules eat pizza crusts in the dumpsters.

    jeanine came over to my house in the rain with the intention of playing guitars with me. basically me learning from her. basically her ruling the galaxy. and basically we sat down in my bedroom on the floor and she took out her guitar and she just started shredding like mad and her hair parted and this beautiful face and beautiful voice came out and i thought ive gotta see this ho naked.

    two weeks later she was naked. because isla vista had taffy in its gutters.

    it took three days to have sex with her because im so huge.

    finally in mexico we got super drunk and danced to heavy metal at a top 40 club and she was all hurry up im wasted itll get it now.

    and the thing is jeanine and i have quite a few secret stories that these dont even seem that dark but it was. she cried and i cried and the rain kept coming down even there in mexico even before then in frisco but we just kissed and let the rain come down as everything started changing and everything was mixing with water and tears and blood.

    jeanine rockin it in miami for super bowl sundayand worse.

    and if theres something ive learned about living here in america over all these years is that if you mix together all of the weirdest shit you can, and then put it under pressure, and then mix it with water and tears and blood, and then mix some drugs in there, lots, and some drugs, lots, and then let the angels above want to sing through you, something oddly amazing will get made.

    after a few years jeanine moved to prauge with os and i was the saddest id ever been, america. the saddest. the days were so dark i wrote my darkest poetry of all. sometimes id get so tired of writing the darkest poetry of all that id just hand the pen over to the devil and let him write it for me.

    of course mine was better.

    all of it was about jeanine and many years later id move away from frisco and chris and i ended up on jeanines futon in LA for a year. she walked around totally naked and shed cook and shed clean and she raised the iguana that i had given her and it grew up big and strong and perfect.

    i have a lot of friends. more than i deserve. ive experienced many different layers of emotions and mysterious feelings. including love, the strangest of them all.

    i love jeanine as deeply as one can

    and i have since the first time i wanted to see her naked.

    tonight, if she will allow me to, i will take her to an italian restaurant whose name escapes me, because shes 1/2 italian.

    i dont know about soul mates.

    i think i have like a half dozen soul mates and one is a baseball team.

    and today one of them is having a birthday

    on acid.


  7. Monday, February 12, 2007

    loved the grammys this year 


    the performances were pretty good, the police played the song everyone wanted but there should have been a drum solo. carrie underwood was hot. ciara was hot. beyonce was fine. mary j was great.

    i loved my girl xtina though who got down on her knees for your ass.

    to have the dixie chicks run the table though was pretty damn perfect.

    fuck cuntry radio.

    plus thats a great record. i listen to the hit and the title track probably every day.

    the only thing that was really missing was a shot of Rick Rubin who was given love by both the Dixie Chicks and Rick Rubin but was in the bathroom smoking joints or something. what the hell?

    it would have also been nice to have a rock band play up in there. i like the chili peppers fine but theyre no rock band and im pretty liberal on whats rock and whats not. theyre not.

    the rock nominees were pretty weak though. john mayer? the raconteurs? thats all you got?

    if the grammys were smart theyd hire me to help them with the nominees.

    id even do it for free.

    check that, id do it for a two tickets to the show and a press pass for LAist.

    last night Patrick J Pitt, Raymi and Fil drunk dialed me from a toronto bar and they put David James on the phone. i tried to convince fil to rally the troops so we could have a week of sin down at sxsw.

    i will be there for ten days.

    and ten nights.

  8. Friday, February 9, 2007

    only because i heart mary kate and ashley olsen 

    did i agree to have lunch with karisa at the urth cafe in west hollywood. apparently the twins like to drink coffee there sometimes.

    karisa asked me what she should get her boyfriend for valentines day

    i was all, your box in a box! and when you say that youve gotta hold your hands out like jt.

    i was eating grilled chicken salad because im gay.

    plus if you had a belly like mine is youd eat whatever karisa tells you to.

    we drove to this upscale sex store after lunch. she had the day off after working a gazillion hours over the last few weeks. so it was nice to not be rushed during lunch.

    the xbis got her running around like crazy to prepare for the grammys or some shit.

    somehow i found myself in front of a row of very naughty skirts. they were tiny.

    they were so little they shouldnt even get away with being called a skirt it should just be a sk

    and at $45, i was thinking about getting into the sk business because you can make 4-5 sks out of three dollars of material.

    which is why id sell my sks for $16.66

    i was sipping on my lemonade from the urth cafe and some dude was all, no food or drinks in here chief

    which was a shame because fuck you too basically.

    man cant drink a fucking lemonade at a porn store?

    in america?

    we left without buying anything and for some reason i left in the best mood.

    and an empty cup.

  9. Thursday, February 8, 2007
  10. today is lindsay from minnesotas birthday 

    shes 22.

    every once in a while i will meet someone who has read my blog and first of all theyre always prettier than you expect and most of the time theyre either way taller or way shorter, birthday girl was way taller

    and also quieter.

    and also smarter.

    something tells me shes a martian. maybe its my martian detector.

    its 515am and i havent gone to sleep yet and i have to be up in five hours. usually i would just write a bunch and wake up whenever i damn well pleased but tomorrow im going to one of our new writers house to help her figure it all out.

    what would i like to say about anna nicole smith?

    i always liked her.

    i got her first playboy back when i lived in santa barbara and she was so stunning in just that one picture that i dug through the whole magazine to find any other pictures of her but there werent any because hef was the same way little known fact they thought she was so hot and the mag was already done but they were all shit man we gotta get this

    piece of ass up on the magazine n shit.

    so they took that picture and put it on the cover.

    i liked fat anna i liked skinny anna i liked crazy and drugged and drunk anna. i never liked anna with howard k stern and i really dont like that shes dead and hes not.

    maybe one day i will write about what it was to work at E! while they were doing the anna nicole show and we had to book the camera people and the editors and you know the crew.