an embarrasment of bitches

before i tell you about my odd little way of thinking up book titles, let me tell you something that nobody knows.

there are fifteen posts on laist before you have to hit next page. so when my boss first hired me and we agreed on a goal of twelve a day i noticed that there were fifteen per page so i secretly upped it to fifteen.

and yes im insane.

its also weird because i knew that id be writing most of those and i have this thing about group blogs, i dont like to see one person overwhelm the group thing.

most people dont realize, but most of the most popular blogs in the blogosphere are group blogs.

and the most popular of them all on the busblog rating scale is boingboing who i can now admit i dont read as much as i should because i am incredibly jealous slash impressed by them that they make me wanna quit.

now ive had some people come up to me when i was writing poems in college tell me things like that and i never could relate until i first came across bb. it was so clean and articulate but totally straight forward. not at all trying to writebetterthanyou or be cool, they just were. and it all seemed so organic like all of a sudden people would just send them cool things and theyd look it over and find the perfect picture and just do it exactly the way it should be done.

if AP had a blog about whats in the web.

they always kept it a blog no matter how big it got – no flash splash pages or crap – and it was always pretty equal as far as what the very few contributers delivered. and you could tell that an artist was behind it because the ads seemed like part of the design.

so of course i hardly ever read em.

murphys law of course was when i was asked to be on my first panel, and i sat right next to mark f and two seats down from xeni the night ev told everyone that google had bought blogger, which if you ask me is when the blogosphere was truly legitimized.

anyways i didnt want people to think that laist was the tony pierce show because believe it or not the whole world isnt as into your pal as you think. plus it wasnt like they were discovering me naturally, they were being sent someone from mitch & murray who enjoyed drinking coffee.

long story short friday we had 17 posts by 15 different contributers.

now thats a group.

i get my titles the old fashioned way

i drink a little smoke a little and when midnight rolls around i get on the scale

then i write down my weight and write down the first title that comes to my head

this week i was so busy that i wasnt able to talk about lost or the sopranos or about how i talked to chris in africa who told me that a goat took a dump on her bag while they were IN a cab.

of all the things i teased her that would probably happen to her, that was not on my neverending list of jungle-related comedy. the lord always has the last laugh.

adam + andy + tomdog + dumbass + malingering + ashleigh + lisa + kemp + (c) + jacy + carrie + elise + courtney + aarti + chris

fellow fantasy ballers in the Empire Strikes Back League

(click to make bigger)

we have a Commissioner who appears to be running two teams, both his own team Death Valley Demons, and a second team that shares a name with the league that he created, The Evil Empire.

He has been caught adjusting the Waiver order to better serve his two teams, he has deleted all the conversations on the Public Message board where he outted himself by posting as one team and then (like the jackass he is) mere minutes later with his second team, and now he has blocked me from posting on the message board and from emailing you.

because i knew he would do this (he is very slow) i emailed you all yesterday before he got around to banning me, so that you would come here and see some of the proof.

Above you will see what he will have you believe are coincidences. Coincidences that two managers in the wee hours of the morning posted minutes apart from each other. But its no coincidence that now those posts are deleted. Infact all the posts are now deleted on our message board. What does that tell you? It should tell you that hes hiding something he doesnt want you to see.

Well unfortunately for this jackass you cant delete your history on Yahoo. So lets see what The Evil Empire – yahoo id# ericdraven_1986 and Death Valley Demons – yahoo id# the_crow_will_rise have done on Yahoo Fantasy over the years…

The first thing you should notice by clicking on their profiles is theyve “both” been playing Yahoo for just two years now, starting in 2006, and whattya know they both started with fantasy football, and lookee here, they both played in leagues with 12 teams. And surprise surprise, the league our commish was commish of… he won. Pretty hard to lose when you’re a) the commish and b) playing with an extra team.

But 12 team leagues are pretty standard. The most damning thing about this guy’s history is when baseball season of last year came around.

Somehow “both” of these guys (Evil Empire and Death Valley Demons) ended up in a 6-man league. Now its very rare to wind up in a six man leagues. basically theyre a joke. theres no competition, theres no fun, everyone ends up in the playoffs. Basically theyre what happens when newbie, sloppy, lame commishes dont get it together and get the word out there that they have a league and instead of 12 to 20 people showing up, only 6 can get scrounged up and the Live Draft happens before the commish can delete the league or reschedule the draft for a later date.

Sure enough, Evil Empire was the commish of that 6-man league and he won and Coincidences of Coincidences several other user accounts in our league were also in that league

the_crow_will_rise (Death Valley Demons)came in first place
glap68 (mets) came in third place
combatready11 (prowlers) came in fifth place
ericdraven_1986 (The Evil Empire) came in last place

winning a league where you have almost all the teams is fun if youre an amateur cheater, so this year he decided to try that technique in a 20 team league and bring along four of his aliases. and to be honest, who knows if he has more than four? but we know he has at least the Evil Empire. and we know hes a bad liar, and we can conclude that his penis is probably the size of a wart.

those things are neither here nor there. however it is interesting to see that there are other players in our league who were also in a 6 man league, and NONE of them finished in the same position – coincidence? or does the commish actually have more than 2 teams in our league?

btw, commish i can beat you even if you had four teams. just dont cheat by stockpiling your players all on one team thru shady trades and bogus Waiver tampering, like youre trying to set up.

for the sake of argument, im willing i was willing to believe that it is just a weird fucking coincidence that four of the GMs in our league ALL found themselves in 6-man leagues last year and all finished in different slots. thats how generous i am. and thats how sure i am that bro has at least two teams, as he proved when he deleted all the posts and blocked me from saying more.

this is the deal i tried to arrange with him privately, but since he refuses to act like a man, this is the deal i will ask you to demand from him.

1. stop playing one of your teams. probably the best to stop playin is Evil Empire since the commish’s official team is sorta neccessary.

2. revert the Waiver terms to 2 days. currently its 0 days which means if he wants to “trade” players from one of his teams to the other, all he has to do is drop them at 5am (when only he is awake) and pick the players up on the other team.

3. quit being a fucking asshole cheater

4. unlock me from everything im locked.

5. if he was a real man he would hand over the Commissionership to someone else since hes proven that hes undeserving and untrustworthy, but we cant all be perfect.

6. quit deleting public message posts.

so there you have it, please post messages on the message board or email him directly. the season has only just begun, we can put this behind us or we can have a totally ruined league, the ball is now in your court. but i would like to continue to play since i believe my team will win, and the main reason that dude is cheating is because he knows that on an even playing field he cant be me.

lets see who’s right.

– tony

ps im willing to believe that i could be wrong about mets and prowlers because i dont have as much damningly clear info on “them” as i do on Evil Empire (seriously dude, you really wanna use the same word ‘Empire’ on your fake team as you used for the League Name – Empire Strikes Back?) and Death Valley Demons, and if they write me to claim their innocence, im all ears.

today is karisas 28th birthday

born to daughters of the revolution and to sons of senators sons of senators sons, karisa ran away at an early age to join the circus but they already had a fire eater so she said i can walk the tightrope and they said already got one of those and she said how about the sword swallower and they said got two of those

and she said i could guess peoples weights and they said youre hired

but all that ever happened was shed be right and the ladies would blush and the men would get slapped for laughing.

so she moved to california during the dot com boom and i hired her for twelve dollars an hour and she never once made me feel bad for getting her at such a low price

nor i her.

and now she makes more than twice what i do so whos got the last laugh.

thats right, the irs.

karisa is one of the funnest people ive ever met, and ive met pretty much everyone. tonight we went to see ms britney spears, the hottest mother of two divorcee in the joint.

earlier karisa had been saying that she had started celebrating her birthday a little early and rubbed her belly revealing the slightest of paunch youd ever imagine if you could even imagine something so wee, and there was britney ten minutes later with some visibile baby weight still there but not caring, wearing a bra, a skirt and the worst wig in the joint.

and getting applauded, and loved.

people loved britney spears so much last night that they paid their money for their tickets knowing full well (becuase of the previous 2 concerts this week in southern cal) that she would only do 15 minutes, theyd be lipsynced and thered be no encore.

indeed ive never seen a more psyched up and excited crowd in my life. people were dancing to the excellent dj, they were laughing, they were yelling, and at any point that there was a lul during britney’s deal theyd scream.

and when it was over, they left, so satisfied.

proof that the recipe for a generation of the short attention spanned pop culture junies – quick concerts of big stars who play music we’re familiar with.

afterwards karisa and i went over to the sky bar where they asked if we were guests of the hotel and i said its karisas birthday and the dude looked at her in her tight sleeveless obey shirt

unlatched the velvet rope

and said this way