several years ago today i was so much younger and such a better blogger

i first met miss spain universe, mar’a jesos ruiz garz-n, in a topless tapas joint in madrid in january 2000.

she didnt know the place was a topless tapas establishment either, but we both took off our shirts and cozied up to the bar.

i was there with two dozen of my closest friends to see rock group tsar.

there being spain, not the topless tapas place.

mar’a asked me if i was americano

i said, si.

she asked me if i liked my tapas

i said, si.

she asked me if i liked her cunt-

then she coughed


and i said


she asked me if i knew more spanish than just yes and no and i said


she asked me what other words i knew.

i said, burrito, taco, guacamole…

she said, we dont have those things here.

i said, si.

so we simply slowdanced to the spanish guitars and i sang her a little song that i made up there on the spot.

i sang

spanish girl
in all the world
i want a spanish girl

she doesnt know
how much i weigh in pounds
she doesnt care
that im 108, 108 years oooooold
oooooh my spanish girl.

she sighed and looked at me with eyes of a girl falling madly in love
as the twinkle lights of the disco ball rained possibilities
and the lines began to form outside the dunc’n donuts shop across the pallazo.

she said, i know how much pounds you weigh.

i said, what about the metric system.

she said, yes, but i know.

i said, ah.

she said, si.

and i smiled.

and i tilted my head to the exito

and she said si.

and we left into the madrid night forgetting our shirts

and not giving a muchas gracias.

me: i got soul food

darth vader versus obi wan and they talk toastSocialist Hippie Chick: it better be the ‘healthy for your soul’ kind of food [wink]

me: is there any other kind?

Socialist Hippie Chick: what did you get?

me: smothered chicken, collard greens, rice and gravy, sweet potatoes, corn bread, and a big cookie, and a Big Gulp of dr pepper

Socialist Hippie Chick: holy shit!

me: [smile] being thin is for girls. being happy is where its at. i would apply to work there as a summer job but i dont wanna take a job away from a young black kid. i love my people. i may not have made out with many of my sistahs, but i love them.

Socialist Hippie Chick: you can be thin and happy btw. and actually happeir [wink]

me: ive never seen it

Socialist Hippie Chick: i am super happy when i get A LOT OF EXERCISE. it just makes me feel good that i can kick ass so well.

me: lots of things make me super happy. eating yupiie food is not one of them

Socialist Hippie Chick: i could have a really bad comment right now but i am hold my tongue [wink]

me: ahahah DO IT!

Socialist Hippie Chick: nope

me: you know i can take it

Socialist Hippie Chick: if you want to be fat and die of a heart attack fine[wink], but they build statues of fit and trim people.

me: if anyone ever makes a statue of me, tear it down. i dont even like pictures o me

Socialist Hippie Chick: you always look good in pictures. you have good eyes for pictures.

me: doing things so that chicks will f you is silly too. and the root of all evil

Socialist Hippie Chick: WHATEVER

who are you?

me: ahahahaah

Socialist Hippie Chick: now you aren’t even making sense

me: todays howard stern was probably the best show in 15 years
all because fat artie just said fuckit and was super honest for the first time in a long time
and howard was yelling back
and robin chimed in
and artie explained how unhappy he is

Socialist Hippie Chick: about?

me: and howard explained how he had a gun to his mouth twice

Socialist Hippie Chick: ?

me: artie is fat and alcoholic
and sorta on drugs and has a gambling problem

Socialist Hippie Chick: [frown]

me: but if you ask me he is falling in the typical Libra thing
which is, we can be on top of the world, but if we dont have someone in our life that we’re in love with, its like nothing else exists and we get very depressed.
and artie is on the best radio show, he just played carnagie hall, he loves the howard show since its something that he and his dad loved as listeners
but he loves to eat and do drugs and gamble and drink
but the world is telling him he shouldnt
but deep down hes heartbroken
b/c he broke up with his gf last year
and that has made him suicidal

Socialist Hippie Chick: why did he break up with her?

me: b/c she wanted him to shape up
and he was at the crossroads of love or his vices
and when a libra chooses anything but love we’re ruined
so today artie said he wants to quit in january
and maybe go to rehab
but what set howard off was when howard called artie Bro and artie said we arent bros, we’re not even friends
and it killed howard
which is when robin chimed in
it was great radio. but i learned that we shouldnt fight who we are. arties fat and im black. thus i should drink my grape soda, eat fast food, and soul food, and continue to give this country style while corrupting young white girls

Socialist Hippie Chick: well i am glad the howard stern show is teaching you something….

me: tell me you saw the Left Eye tlc special on mtv

Socialist Hippie Chick: no

me: you Have to see it. during her last month alive she was filming a doc
all about her trying to reach some truth
she went down to central america with her posse, including her bf and brother and closest friends. no makeup, and she was nude a lot

Socialist Hippie Chick: i saw that a LONG time ago

me: and the cameras were going when she died. you did?

Socialist Hippie Chick: when she was fasting

me: yes

Socialist Hippie Chick: oh- didn’t see when she died

me: i thought it was new? ah

Socialist Hippie Chick: i saw some other documentary on her

me: maybe they had only released a tiny bit, cuz this is an hour long
only her voice the whole time cuz there were so many hours of footage

Socialist Hippie Chick: they waited quite awhile

me: its so good
she tells the entire story of her life
almost like she knew
but the freakiest was when this little kid died a few days before she did

Socialist Hippie Chick: [frown]

me: the kid ran in front of their suv and her sister hit the kid
and everyone was shaken up
and she said of course we will pay for everything
but the kids last name was lopez
and she was having bad dreams that death was chasing her
so she said, maybe death got the wrong person
but then two days later, different car, but driving, bam
and its such a random way to go too, just one little tiny wrong swerve
anyways people should live their lives
artie should eat
im gonna make tshirts
“let artie eat”

Socialist Hippie Chick: well…
there is always more to it
you can say that about anyone
serial killers….

me: let john gacy kill?
no, im saying everythings trying to kill us, and if it happens in a delicious way then fine

Socialist Hippie Chick: i don’t think that people being fat and unhappy is really delicious
and suffering from diabetes
or heart disease as a result

me: ok then this is what youve gotta do
youve gotta convince people that the ages of 60-77 are worth not eating sweet potatoes covered in gravy when youre young
because i barely get laid enough now, lord knows im not going to be getting laid when im 77, so fuck old age

Socialist Hippie Chick: i’ll argue with you when i come over

me: fair enough, i’ll be eating!