nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, June 21, 2007

    quite a few of my friends are depressed 

    which bothers me because if theres one thing that undercover superheroes want to do is save the world. therefore when their friends are in need of being saved things are very tough because for some reason its easier – way easier, actually – to save strangers than your friends.

    which is why it helps to be a master of disguises.

    form of a blog post… if anyone should be depressed its your narrator. water water everywhere but not a drop to stick my fingers into and lick if you know what i mean.

    despite being a hundred and twenty eight i still have my needs and sometimes you dont realize that youve put all of your cheerleaders on time out and noone is very happy with you. and the cubs are losing. and we traded our catcher to SAN DIEGO for some reason. because he gets into fights with the pitchers? good fuck the pitchers who give up 13 hits in one game. i dont care what your last names rhymes with.

    when i was a lad my dream was to be the manager of the cubs. and a lot of my dreams the Lord just said, dude, good dreams but chill we’ll have someone else take care of those for you. so instead of having kids that look like me, my sister took care of that and instead of managing the cubs to a raucous crazy summer, the Lord assigned Lou Pinella to do it for me.

    the Creator, it appears wants me to write blog posts to you. and more of them. fine.

    today i drove around hollywood and this guy was getting impatiant in the left hand turn lane. both lanes on the right of him were empty and there was a green light. i knew all of this because i was 10 cars behind and all i saw was daylight in two lanes.

    but fucker decides that he isnt going to wait to turn left, instead hes going to go right over two lanes, turn right and pull a U turn – thus catching that light so he can make his original left.

    hard to explain.

    doesnt matter. because he had to cut across my path to do it i laid on the horn like no other man has ever. because thats seriously bullshit. and when he pulled his u turn i thought he was coming after me. and one of the benefits of not getting laid in far too long is youre ready to fight some asshole who instead of waiting to turn left – cuts across three lanes to the right to pull a u turn.

    so when he did his u turn i pulled over to the right lane and parked. because as a superhero the last thing you want is for some jackhole to get people in an accident as he tries to speed down sunset blvd chasing down the asswipe who honked at him.

    so i pulled over and got out of my car and with one hand i kept sustaining the horn and with my other hand i flipped him off as he waited for the light to turn green.

    and if i wasnt in the xbi i would have pulled out my pistol and shot out some tires.

    all of this, btw happened right below the CNN building, a huge tower where nothing happens inside, but everything is happening around it.

  2. Wednesday, June 20, 2007

    odd thing happened yesterday 

    i was reading on blogging.la that yesterday was the last day to go thru the old spaghetti factory, and it made me think of the only time i ever went there, this time i went there with ashley.

    and then i got an email with a link to this video of ashley in what appears to be a student film of some sort.

    and then i got another email from a friend who wants me to visit him in vegas for a few days.

    so i said, iron mike, you’ll always be the champ to me, so of course i will go out there.

    but i wont see ashley because she was very mean to me several times, and im a sensitive poet. wah.

    also yesterday i was on the rooftop of a record label and i got to listen to one of my favorite new bands, sea wolf. and i got to meet the main dude of silversun pickups and every one was extremely nice and there was free beers and tacos and corn on the cob and good music and great people, but i was working so i didnt eat any tacos,

    but i did pick up some at the jackinthebox drive through

    i left that sunny afternoon rooftop so revitalized, thinking there is good in the world, that when i got home i made sure the cubs were about to be tivoed as they were squaring off against sammy who was trying to get his 600th home run

    and i walked to the grocery store because when youre 100 or over you should get your walking in, particularly if you tend to sit around on your couch all day “working”, and i bought a whole pre-cooked chicken, and many cookies, and i walked home and i ate half of the chicken with just a knife.

    when i get whole or half chickens i often find myself playing a weird little quiet game of can you eat a chicken with just a knife.

    i always lose.

  3. Monday, June 18, 2007

    ok so heres the deal. 

    because i have no ads going right now. and because i dont owe anyone shit,

    this summer this busblogs going to be all nswf all summer long.

    oh i cant read you at work now tony?

    sorry baby.

    art has always leaned more towards the nipple than the bible so see ya in the fall.

    until then summer beings with mrs maggie gillenhall and her little baby.

    secretary was one of the hottest movies id ever seen, with my pants on. and whoever that little kid is, he wont appreciate that movie because who wants to see their mom on all fours?

    paris hilton will be in jail now 11 days.

    how have you grown in the last 11 days?

    today i got out of the house and did some photo journalism.

    i talked to a bunch of people who had been sitting in line since saturday so they could get the new white stripes record.

    but better than that, the first 200 people who got the record at that store also got free tickets to see the white stripes play at that store

    but it wasnt any regular old store, it is the famous tower records on sunset

    famous for being a place where cool instores like weezer played occassionally

    and where axl rose worked while he was trying to get it together in la.

    talking to the people made me realize that i have to get my camera working properly.

    not my digital cam, my video cam.

    the other night a young lady came over and said i want you to video me giving you a lap dance and i said im sorry but my batteries are dead and i dont know where the charger is and i dont know how to upload the iso files and i dont know how to edit it

    and she said hows a young exhibitionist gonna make it if even tony pierce wont exploit me properly?

    and thats when i realized that this summer should be nsfw

    and that i should figure out my camera situation.

    tomorrow im seeing sea wolf.

  4. also i watched Sicko twice this weekend 

    once with a girl with very long legs who kept saying FUCK ME as a way to say “NO WAY!” it was very confusing

    and once with a girl who kept saying “see if you marry me you’ll be canadian and you wont have to deal with this shit” and i was very tempted for the first time ever.

  5. Sunday, June 17, 2007

    because im not a sheep 

    i vote for people, not parties

    and i make those people earn my vote.

    you dont get my vote because of your skin color or whats between your legs or what letter is in the parenthesis next to your name.

    you get my vote because of your ideas and your actions and your promises and your smarts.

    because im a man and not an angel i judge people for who they support.

    people who voted for bush several years ago were either racist or sexist or classist or just fucking ignorant. and people who voted for him again are worse because they knew better and didnt fucking care.

    those people are not just part of the problem, they are the problem.

    and you people know who you are and maybe you have other reasons for having your head up your ass not once but twice, and maybe you should reconsider why you vote for letters in parentheses instead of ideas

    or you can continue to cockblock progress

    but if you are that stiffnecked, as the bible calls it, then heres someone with the letter in the parentheses that you bow to, who is actually a small government conservative like many of you swear that you are, who actually puts to action what he talks about. he doesnt just say read my lips no new taxes, he really doesnt vote for them.

    and he doesnt need karl rove whispering in his ear, he can think for himself.

    and its why if i had to vote today id be voting for ron paul for president.

    because i like people who think.

    not sheep.

  6. Saturday, June 16, 2007

    i love that the fans are leaning over the baskets 

    i love that everyones fighting with the catcher.

    and i especially love that derek shot first.

    what i believe was said was this

    derek lee: you know that was bullshit right?

    padre assmunch: say what?

    d lee: you know that was bullshit right?

    padre: just keep walking

    d lee: pardon me what did you fucking say?

    padre: i said – ow

    go cubbies.

  7. Friday, June 15, 2007

    how to blog 

    by tony pierce, 110

    1. write every day.

    2. if you think youre a good writer, write twice a day.

    3. dont be afraid to do anything. infact if youre afraid of something, do it. then do it again. and again.

    4. cuss like a sailor.

    5. dont tell your mom, your work, your friends, the people you want to date, or the people you want to work for about your blog. if they find out and you’d rather they didnt read it, ask them nicely to grant you your privacy.

    6. have comments. dont be upset if no one writes in your comments for a long time. eventually they’ll write in there. if people start acting mean in your comments, ask them to stop, they probably will.

    7. have an email address clearly displayed on your blog. sometimes people want to tell you that you rock in private.

    8. dont worry very much about the design of your blog. image is a fakeout.

    9. use Blogger. it’s easy, it’s free; and because they are owned by Google, your blog will get spidered better, you will show up in more search results, and more people will end up at your blog. besides, all the other blogging software & alternatives pretty much suck.

    10. use spellcheck unless youre completely totally keeping it real. but even then you might want to use it if you think you wrote something really good.

    11. say exactly what you want to say no matter what it looks like on the screen. then say something else. then keep going. and when youre done, re-read it, and edit it and hit publish and forget about it.

    12. link like crazy. link anyone who links you, link your favorites, link your friends. dont be a prude. linking is what seperates bloggers from apes. and especially link if you’re trying to prove a point and someone else said it first. it lends credibility even if youre full of shit.

    13. if you havent written about sex, religion, and politics in a week youre probably playing it too safe, which means you probably fucked up on #5, in which case start a second blog and keep your big mouth shut about it this time.

    14. remember: nobody cares which N*Sync member you are, what State you are, which Party of Five kid you are, or which Weezer song you are. the second you put one of those things on your blog you need to delete your blog and try out for the marching band. similarilly, nobody gives a shit what the weather is like in your town, nobody wants you to change their cursor into a butterfly, nobody wants to vote on whether your blog is hot or not, and nobody gives a rat ass what song youre listening to. write something Real for you, about you, every day.

    15. dont be afraid if you think something has been said before. it has. and better. big whoop. say it anyway using your own words as honestly as you can. just let it out.

    16. get Site Meter and make it available for everyone to see. if you’re embarrassed that not a lot of people are clicking over to your page, dont be embarrassed by the number, be embarrassed that you actually give a crap about hits to your gay blog. it really is just a blog. and hits really dont mean anything. you want Site Meter, though, to see who is linking you so you can thank them and so you can link them back. similarilly, use Technorati, but dont obsess. write.

    17. people like pictures. use them. save them to your own server. or use Blogger’s free service. if you dont know how to do it, learn. also get a Buzznet account. several things will happen once you start blogging, one of them is you will learn new things. thats a good thing.

    18. before you hit Save as Draft or Publish Post, select all and copy your masterpiece. you are using a computer and the internet, shit can happen. no need to lose a good post.

    19. push the envelope in what youre writing about and how youre saying it. be more and more honest. get to the root of things. start at the root of things and get deeper. dig. think out loud. keep typing. keep going. eventually you’ll find a little treasure chest. every time you blog this can happen if you let it.

    20. change your style. mimic people. write beautiful lies. dream in public. kiss and tell. finger and tell. cry scream fight sing fuck and dont be afraid to be funny. the easiest thing to do is whine when you write. dont be lazy. audblog at least once a week.

    21. write open letters. make lists. call people out on their bullshit. lead by example. invent and reinvent yourself. start by writing about what happened to you today. for example today i told a hot girl how wonderfully hot she is.

    22. when in doubt review something. theres not enough reviews on blogs. review a movie you just saw, a tv show, a cd, a kiss you just got, a restaurant, a hike you just took, anything.

    23. constantly write about the town that you live in.

    24. out yourself. tell your secrets. you can always delete them later.

    25. dont use your real name. dont write about your work unless you dont care about getting fired.

    26. dont be afraid to come across as an asswipe. own your asswipeness.

    27. nobody likes poems. dont put your poems on your blog. not even if theyre incredible. especially if theyre incredible. odds are theyre not incredible. bad poems are funny sometimes though, so fine, put your dumb poems on there. whatever.

    28. tell us about your friends.

    29. dont apologize about not blogging. nobody cares. just start blogging again.

    30. read tons of blogs and leave nice comments.

    if you’re going to ripoff/mimic/be inspired by one blogger make it raymi, shes perfect.

  8. Thursday, June 14, 2007
  9. Wednesday, June 13, 2007

    a little lump of coal 

    i saw menomena last night at the troubadour and i forgot that you can just sit in the bar in the back and see the band perfectly and thats exactly what me and this writer for laist did, we just drank beers and watched these dudes sorta play sorta experimental music but not really.

    it was sold out and the fans sorta seemed in to it, maybe they were all like me, there to see what the hype was all about and waiting for something but if you ask me nothing happened.

    i liked the baritone sax and eating shrimp tacos afterwards

    but the music wasnt experimental enough for me and the tacos werent spicy enough

    maybe i have seen it all and done it all already.

    fortunatly we had a third writer there who reviewed the show so i spared the world my headline which would have been


    if they really wanted to be experimental they would have brought this dude on to sing with them.

  10. Tuesday, June 12, 2007