nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, June 12, 2007

    dear foxxy 


    soslotsy. i hear youre sad. i see youre depressed. i feel your painties.

    we have all known sorrow and depression and misery and failure. watch how those words so easily spill from this drunken keyboard of blackness.

    a long time ago i decided that the easiest form of writing is the woe is me. the tragedy, the sad gloomy poem.

    it wasnt that i didnt feel those feelings, or still feel those feelings now, indeed my heart is so broken and dark and riddled with loneliness and pain that if you could take an xray, all there would be would be a message thatd say omg fubar 404.

    but i bury it. i sweep it under the carpet. and i keep moving. its the only way. like in the movies when the dude is dying and the other dude goes DONT FALL ASLEEP ON ME MURPHY! DONT YOU DARE FALL ASLEEP ON ME!

    the world is flat. its just eons of people sweeping their problems under the carpet that has turned this place three dimensional.

    pretty canadian girls with blogs shouldnt ever be sad. especially because of boys. and rejection is just the devil’s changeup. sure things dont pan out. yes means no. america equals failure. nothing makes sense.

    i have a friend who called me up. lovely girl. beautiful. sexy. smart. petite is probably the way youd describe her physique. called me up and said tony im banging this fat guy with the littlest dick. and i love him! i was all, wow. of course.

    then she said, but my dilemma is im also banging this little guy with this enormous dick and hes great too.

    and see, only a human would consider this a dilemma which is another devils changeup. which is all lost on you because youre canadian and only speak french. so heres what i will say. bonjour jeune fille. como tally vous? je mappale est antoine and i have something in my pocket that could or could not be a banana. but i do amie bananas so the odds are ridiculously large that i very well could have a banana in there. ok fine, i do have a banana in there.

    bonjour jeune fille. i have a banana in my pantaloons.

    not a dilemma.


  2. Monday, June 11, 2007

    sea wolf rules everything 

    are the kids talking about sea wolf in your town? jenn sherry talked to me about them at sxsw and theres nothin wrong with that girl.

    i got their ep soon after and i put it at the end of the new dinosaur and it nice to hit shuffle and write and write and write.

    yesterday i took a lost young spirit on a walk around los feliz, atwater, and echo park.

    the only time i leave my house is when there are girls over. is that what you call a paradox?

    this girl has lived in la her whole life and had never ridden the bus so we took the 181 from los feliz to echo park and she was completely shocked that a bus ran past the bigfoot lodge.

    “ive been to this bar countless times and ive never seen a bus go by”.

    countless? the bitch is 20.

    we walked through the nighborhood and its windy roads and diverse architecture and she was all, walkings weird.

    and i held her hand because you know what, walking is weird.

    we went to the atwater village street fair and ate free cookies and played with free puppies and ate fifty cent snow cones created by the Teen Club, no kidding, and i worried that she might know someone in the tent

    and we took the bus towards echo park and it dropped us off under sunset and we walked up the stairs to sunset and walked past Taix and i said this is the most walking ive done in quite a while and she was all i dont think ive ever walked this much ever

    i said didnt you guys run when you were a cheerleader?

    and she was all i was never a cheerleader.

    which was weird because for some reason i thought she had been one. very perky. very supportive.

    and she pulled up the back of the her skirt and flashed a nice bit of ass revealing a scary tattoo of the devil smoking a cigarrette

    she said, you couldnt cheer at our school if you had a tattoo.

    and i never wanted my name under something more before ever.

  3. Sunday, June 10, 2007

    today is my true loves birthday 

    she doesnt like being called that but she no longer lives in america thus her freedoms have been stripped from her.

    the first thing you would probably notice when you first see her are her big blue eyes. they will entrance you so you look down.

    but then you cant really look down, as a gentleman, so you look back up and there they go mezmorizing you.

    so you look at her lips.

    worst mistake of all.

    im pretty sure her parents are reading the busblog today so how do you do mr and mrs s im now going to type very dirty things about your daughter

    you might want to look away

    i have a photograph of the birthday girl on my wall in my bedroom (not pictured)

    its one of my favorite pictures

    surrounded by other of my favorite pictures.

    theyre in my bedroom because theyre some of the first things that i see every morning and i like it that way.

    at the foot of my bed i have a big drew barrymore poster, one of isla vista, and a painting i made on wood with watercolor called bruce sutter plays catch in his back yard.

    but next to my door are photos of my friends and some of my exes.

    in this picture that i love so is our girl looking up from a menu.

    we are about to eat an early dinner next to a canal in amsterdam.

    she couldnt look more lovely.

    and if you knew her, you could probably detect a slight blush.

    shes so demonstrative that the words literally spell themselves out on her forhead

    im wasted, bone me

    hey tony watch that lady eat

    religions for assholes

    there was nothing we wouldnt tell each other which is why i think we remain so close.

    actually the reason i think we are so close is because all the forces in the universe want it to be that way and theres nothing we can do about it.

    she is stuck with me, worlds biggest loser

    and im stuck with her, sweetest ass in america africa.

    shes blushing because i asked her a very dirty question and shes answering it.

  4. Friday, June 8, 2007

    before blogging 

    before the web, before i ever went to canada, i wrote poems.

    poems got me through college, they got me published first, they got me laid first.

    and for some reason ive given up on them in the same way ive given up personal blogging.

    probably because i dont want girls to get topless for me because of my poems or blogging any more.

    i want them to get topless because theyre incredibly horny

    and will settle for anyone.

    yes, i want to be their rock bottom.

    the other day i was talking to someone about the mendoza line. im sure wikipedia knows the dude’s first name, but there was a baseball player who was Just good enough to make the pros. if you were worse than him youd get dropped to the minors. if you played better than him you could stay in the bigs. his name was mendoza.

    i want to be the dude that the super hot chick in free fall comes stumbling home some morning and says, i fucked the hell outta tony pierce.

    and their super model roommate goes NO!

    and she starts crying.

    and they silently drive to rehab

    holding hands.

    there was a time when i was so depressed after having moved away from isla vista that all i could do was write sad poems and title them whatever i was listening to on the boom box at that moment.

    one of my favorites was called acdc let there be rock

  5. Thursday, June 7, 2007
  6. Wednesday, June 6, 2007

    today is also my first california gf’s bday 

    not michele i dont care if no one thinks she looks like the chick in arcade fire. i think she does.

    when i first moved to LA there were quite a few things i wanted to do. i wanted to surf, i wanted to skateboard, and i wanted to date punk rock chicks.

    michele was so punk rock she actually frightened me when i first met her. all of her clothes were torn, her lipstick was bright red and messy, her hair was knotted, the madonna one shoulder layered look was happening so she had that going. later her friend would try to diss her by calling it The Just Raped Look, but it was so accurate it was actually funny.

    even though she was only a few months older than me, she knew everything and i knew nothing. the only things we were equals about were foreign films, so we went to a lot of those and held hands and talked about the movies all night in my cadillac.

    id put my hand on her leg and shed say why is everything always about sex

    and id say smart girls turn me on

    and shed say you mean smart Women

    and id say yeah whatever

    and shed say no, not whatever, women have been oppressed for two long by men who

    and id say baby im black dont tell me about oppression

    and shed say its exactly those who have been oppressed who should be the first to rectify their errors

    now if you think i had moved my hand off her leg then youve obviously never argued with me while on a date with me

    after a long night of watching gerard depardu work his magic

    three years we dated before we ever consummated the love we had.

    thats how good she kissed.

  7. today is my one year anniversary at LAist 

    i know my job there is a happy thing to everyone except the readers of the busblog, but it is my dream job, it has made me very very very content, it has given me unbelievable opportunities (like being able to drive around the country to meet some of you), and i have done some pretty cool things over there.

    in a year we’ve tripled the size of the staff and quadrupled the hits. all at a minimal amount of financial expense. and magically the ads have multiplied in price and number of sponsors.

    the only loser in the mix has been the busblog, my true love.

    but sometimes you have to sacrifice your foreskin to prove that youre part of the team.

    and then slice off the foreskins of your enemies.

    which ive gladly done.

    and will present to you next year at this time.

    in the meantime heres a super long interview that i just did with former LAist editor Carolyn who grills me about my year, the busblog, and my schedule

  8. Tuesday, June 5, 2007

    if theres one thing i hate its plans 

    even if its good plans.

    its 242am and ive been procrastinating going to bed because i have to go to bed early tonight (anything before 420am) because i have a big day tomorrow because i have to be at capital records by 11am to see poison play in this little famous studio they have there.

    its going to be a live broadcast over the web. might be new songs, might be old ones. who cares. its poison, but better its the capital building. even though ive lived here forever ive never been in that building and i cant wait.

    theyll be pictures have no fear.

    and then later i have to interview andy dick at the rainbow room.

    my body is a cage.

    last month on LAist was our second biggest month ever. and because it wasnt the best ever i didnt really appreciate it. also i believe some chads were miscounted. all in all it wasnt a pleasant victory even though it should have been.

    im so ridiculous. i should be happy. fine, i am happy then.

    im happy the cubs won, and the ducks won. im happy i had good chinese food at this place that always reminds me of chris. im happy i saw joe on saturday and callie on sunday, which is very strange, but life is weird like that.

    but most of all im happy that paris hilton is in jail because we can all reflect a little on our lives during this time that paris has to suffer.

    i think we should all suffer along with her. not go into solitary confinement for three weeks and eat baloney sandwhiches, but maybe do something that we really dont like doing.

    for example, im going to go to bed early and before i go to bed im going to read a book.

    somewhere along the line i stopped reading books, oh thats right when the internet came out and was basically the greatest collection of reading materials in the world.

    ive been eating chocolate creme pie every day for a week.

    im going to eat it right now too.

    even though i brushed my teeth.

    why? because paris hilton cant.

    and when have you ever been able to do something that she couldnt do.

  9. Monday, June 4, 2007

    LAist is on fire today 

    a writer bitchslaps mtv, we interview albert hammond jr., chad continues covering the stanley cup, we tell you how to write to paris hilton in the slammer, we write a letter to london about their olympic logo that looks like lisa simpson giving head, and yours truly interviewed the plane that crashed in Upland.

    i think i will eat lunch now.