busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, July 31, 2007

    this is not the guy i met many moons ago 

    at the daily nexus wearing a dress, drinking wine, and surrounded by women doing night production on the greatest college paper of all time.

    he had longer hair, raggedy jeans, and like corey hart he wore sunglasses at night.

    i guess we all had longer hair back then and more fucked up jeans, but the difference about todays birthday boy is that fuckin white boy got a hundred times smarter than any of us ever thought.

    not only is he a virtual expert on central and eastern european history – somehow – but he’s only gotten more nerdy about his baseball history and neo-jamesian stats that would make guys like theo epstein say hold on what?

    there will be a day when someone will let me and matt either run the dodgers or the cubs and after i abuse my powers and rip down the lights matt will trade away all the stars and replace them with long beach unknowns and i will make sure that every national anthem is sung by the best of the punkrock underground.

    every game will be a sellout and bill veeck will rise from his grave and stand in line for bleacher seats.

    worst mistake and my only regret in life was not following matt and the nexus crew to prague after graduation to start the first english language newspaper there Prognosis. i had fallen in love with jeanine who at the time was only a junior and i told matt that i was going to stay in IV, work for warner bros. and hang out with my new girlfriend. i believe that was our first and last fight. he called me a skinny sellout whiteboy and when he saw that he wasnt getting to me figured i was truly in love and gave me a hug and a kiss, and we were good.

    a year later jeanine was in prauge and i was working for an even bigger conglomerate than wb and matt was playing guitar on the charles bridge and interviewing havel and getting good seats to guns n roses.

    i had made a terrible mistake.

    since then matt has married emmanuelle, cut his hair, appeared on the o’reilly factor, and basically made his momma proud. all without a degree, as ucsb decided to kick him out right before he reinvented the wheel.

    in a perfect world theyd look at what he’s accomplished in the 15 years since he was unjustly booted from the fine institution and award him an honorary degree, but somehow i think his achievements taste sweeter without the sheepskin because he got everything he needed from his college university and proved to the world that renegades dont need your stinkin badges, they dont even need your cable tv, american ways, or californian girls.

    he lives in a better house than you, his backyard is bigger than yours, his wife is frencher than you, and his country band is sweeter than yours.

    and he can write even me under the damn table

    and unlike me, get paid for it.

    two fiddy, sal, two fiddy a week.

    of course he didnt tell anyone that today was his birthday and here it is midnight oh six and his big day is over, but thats how real libertarians are – true independents, satisfied with a trip to a beach in malibu with his bikinied bride, a nice bottle or six of red, and maybe some seafood at a little place playing footsies and driving home down sunset listening to npr.

    what did i imagine for matt welch in 2005 when i met him 15 years ago? completely ruling. pretty much what he’s doing now.

    but for some reason i thought we’d be driving faster cars.

    matt welch’s warblog + part three of our backyard podcast + his lovely wife emmanuelle

  2. Monday, July 30, 2007

    one of the many nice things 

    about canadian girls

    is that although they claim to despise delivery, they dont seem to have any problems whatsoever with room service.

    fascinating.

    i cant believe im about to pull the plug here in my hotel room. i cant believe im about to leave canada. and i had just found the government run liquor store.

    you should always know where the 24 hr drug store is and where the government run liquor store is. id say its good to be near a tim hortons but even though this is bc you can still find timmys wherever you want. so me and the chickie are nibbling on those little donut holes in between naps.

    someone ordered up a late checkout and that someones a genius.

    however someone is a idiot whoever ordered up the shaved nuts and its like having a milllion little splinters in your hooha.

    never again.

    i explained to her the concept of playing hurt. kirk gibson, jordan, rocky iii.

    i got her a bottle of wine last night to be fancy and i was all but youre gonna have to open it. and she unpeeled the wrapper and then unscrewed the cap.

    d’oh.

    speaking of which i saw the simpsons movie last night with keira anne and it was awesome.

    they have a food court in their movies.

    burger king, tcby, pizza, chinese, whatever you need.

    we had ice cream and coke zeros.

    im smoking the last of this bc bud which means i’ll bcing you.

    ps raymi has good intentions

    i should be nicer to her while im in her country.

    pps its weird to see matt good being advertised in the windows of the biggest shops and in the newspapers. good luck tomorrow Hospital Music!

  3. Saturday, July 28, 2007
  4. blogstock vancouver 

    was a threesome of sorts

    there was the daytime outside picture lovin crew at the steamworks.

    there was the nighttime inside shots drinkin group at the railway.

    and then there was the afterhours poutine eating group at frix.

    there was so much drinking and smoking that there probably should have been a little more drinking and smoking because i actually remember some of it, and the memories are sweet.

    at 420 at steamworks was miss604, duane, keira, and mr and mrs gusgreeper. we were amazed by the lovely lass with an all denim dress that looked like jeans everywhere. i loved it, keira not so much.

    we drank many pitchers and the ladies took many pictures of their boobs

    when in vanboober…

    at 9pm we walked over to the railway and said goodbye to keira and miss604 and met up with smelly danielly, chad, foxxy, patz, justagirl, nome, the lovely elizabeth and her dude, jen and her friend, terra, and to my great surprise, lowercase carmen.

    there was much drinking and i dont remember a word that was said. success.

    afterwards in my room i believe there was someone waiting in there for me and another who followed me in and i believe those girls convinced me to shave my nuts.

    something that had never been done before.

    then i participated in something that id never done before.

    and then i was unanimously voted the least valuable player.

    and now im sitting here with some empty plates of roomservice and windows open and soda cans beer bottles and wine bottles undressed and kicked over and abused

    and the angels playing the tigers on the game of the week

    and im looking at this sprite can with a straw sticking out of it and im all how the hell did you get here

    but to me thats canada. so nice in the midst of american debauchery.

    the fresh flowers on the porn set.

    tonight there will be more fireworks.

    i am so not worthy.

  5. Friday, July 27, 2007

    sometimes your mojo leaves you 

    and you think that you’ll never find it again.

    and you send out your calling pigeons and you send out your hounds.

    and you send out an SOS to the world.

    and you even grow a beard so that it can collect your scent of jack n the box tacos and weed and teenagers

    and still no mojo

    and you think oh thats it, maybe mojo has an expiration date or it runs from the elderly and gangbangs the young

    but the truth is sometimes the mojo gets lost and follows the northstar

    and you might have always suspected that its in canada or oregon or somewhere

    and there it is and you say hi mo

    and it asks do i know you

    and you get it high and introduce it to some irish girls and some local strangers and some tourists from australia and after some joints the mojo says wait youre THE tony pierce

    and you say yes ive been trying to tell you all along and then the mojo totally switches back into what you always knew it was and vice versa

    and then the sunshine breaks through the clouds

    and the maid opens the door

    and the aussie says

    yes

    One night only: Vancouver International Bloggers Drinking Convention
    Steamworks is at 375 Water St. 4:20p-9pm
    Railway is at 579 Dunsmuir Street 9pm-??

    and tick tock you dont stop.

  6. Thursday, July 26, 2007

    dear summer vacation, 

    i love you.

    do you know that? its true. how could you be any better? do you see this picture? do you see me smiling while talking to a pretty girl while we walk through a park while holding a beer? as great as that little moment in time was, it doesnt even hold a candle to the lunch i had, and the dinner i had, and the experience that we had buying weed from the hells angels

    or the amazing fireworks, or the drinking and smoking before and after the fireworks, or the rendevous after the drinking and smoking after the fireworks

    or the late night poutine

    oh, poutine, i might love you most of all.

    but lets talk about the fireworks. they lasted all night.

    people watched from all over.

    they had this barge out there. it looked like a bed of lights.

    first one firework rose up and exploded gently, then another. they had these ones that twisted inside each other.

    they had these others that looked like huge round tits.

    with little nipple explosions.

    they even had these long twisting soaring rockets which arched and peaked and fell a tad

    and got silent

    and then erupted into squiggly white lights in the sky.

    everyone applauded.

    but the tittie bombs exploded and the nipple ones and the great shapes and the varied sounds and the rapid booms at the end of each segment sent the crowd into a lighthearted and loving mood.

    the fireworks happen a few times throughout the summer. every night a different country sets off the fireworks. last night was spain. holland is coming soon, then america, then canada is last.

    then they all light off fireworks together on the last night, the finale.

    im aglow today.

    im asotired. im asore. im ahungover. im asohappy. im a little high.

    because we had asked everyone in vancity where to get weed and a few people said blah blah bar, go in the back climb the stairs.

    so we went to the bar, me and foxxy, who is far more foxxy in real life. and we went to the bar and i asked the bartender. and foxxy said oh i have some shake in my bag and i said shhh. and the bartender said i dont know what youre talking about

    and i said is upstairs open, and he looked at the stairs in the back and said i dont know what youre talking about yes.

    which is the sound of what the fireworks sounded like last night.

    yesssssssssss

    right before they exploded all over the bay.

    even as we were climbing the stairs foxxy was digging through her bag

    one flight, two flights, three flights, and we saw a room with a table, a dude, and a dude sitting next to the dude.

    there was also a line of people.

    the person at the front of the line would throw down one $20 bill or two.

    the dude behind the table would reach into his huge bucket of weed and weigh out $20 worth, put it in a baggie, and hand it to the silent customer. the other dude took the money and put it in a box.

    then the next customer would throw down his money.

    everyone marched in perfect harmony like that scene from the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld. no one wanted to say the wrong thing in fear that they wouldnt get their, uh, soup.

    we got our weed, walked down to the street, and started on our journey walking through town.

    later we found out that we had just been served, beautifully by the hells angels.

    yes.

    and fellas, that was the smoothest transaction ive ever acomplished in my entire life. ive been to the 7-11 where it took more time to buy one can of coke than it did to buy that primo bc bud. this took seconds, i got a four flight work out, i scored a good deal, and within minutes i was high with a hot babe with fake boobs that feel completely real.

    yesssss.

    photos by duane who was a great pre fireworks host, and thnx to keira who hosted the post fireworks drinkin

  7. Wednesday, July 25, 2007

    dear rest of the world, 

    im moving to canada. the weathers nice here. the waters pretty and the parking meters let you pay them off via your cell phone.

    the people are super sweet. the roads are paved with gold. the liquor stores have tip jars even though they charge you $10 for a six pack of PBR.

    but the best is the irish girls remember you when you take the Cambie bus up Cambie back to the Cambie.

    and the super best is that they lie and say that you made em come even though you only lasted through 2 much music videos.

    then they wake you up in the morning. then they say lemme see if america is awake down there.

    and america is always awake, ireland.

    and then they do things to you that make you say things and moan things and

    i will refrain from getting into too much detail but lets just say that at the cambie the girl who i ended up taking back to the room (after getting a wee bit lost and making out in doorways and alleyways seriously considering “breaking in” alley walls

    said to me, i really dont like your beard

    and i said i really dont like that you dont like my beard

    and she said how can i convince you to get rid of it

    and i said i may have brought a razor and a buzzcutter just for this situation

    and she said how can i convince you to use those things

    and i said do these things work

    and i looked down at her irish eyes

    she said my eyes are up here

    i said oh yeah well

    and there i was america with the hotel window open and the lights of the city across the way and the tv bumpin some music i never heard and this very sweet girl

    convincing me

    while pulling down my board shorts

    and this morning, my friends, im beardless.

    and tonight there are fireworks.

  8. Tuesday, July 24, 2007

    as you know, your boy has a strange life. 

    last year i drove around the country and parts of canada and i saw strange and usual lifeforms and histronics. and i took photographs and i wrote blog entries and i lived for once in my socalled life.

    female readers of the busblog promised me things that i didnt deserve and when i came to their towns to collect on their promises i was greeted with excuses and claims of new boyfriends.

    my heart broke with each timezone and my secret blog flourished.

    depressedblog did gangbusters among the whoah-is-me crowd and i dedicated my life to LAist, as you know.

    problem is, the readers of LAist are not like the readers of the busblog, in fact its safe to say that if i dropped dead here in beautiful british canada, those readers would probably be happy.

    which means, for the last several months, ive been without any female attention.

    at all.

    high and dry.

    so for my vacation i chose to go to a country where id be loved, appreciated, and respected. sure its for all the wrong reasons, but i figured i might at least be able to achieve the thing that ive been missed so much – the touch of a ridiculously young lady out of my league, and the access to some bc green bud in a somewhat legal situation.

    last night i found myself at The Cambie. it was late. i met several irish girls. i was with a blogger that some of you may know.

    she claimed to have a boyfriend so i said be loyal, look at all these irish girls

    and she looked at them and she said, how is it that you can come up here, and these people who dont know you or know who you are, treat you just like i do, with love.

    i said yes.

    she said, even with that fucking beard!

    and i smiled. but you couldnt see it because my beard covers my beautiful mouth.

    and this blogger had the nerve to cockblock my advances with the irish lasses.

    so i said i thought you said you had a boyfriend, why are you doing this to me?

    and she said, i never said i wasnt evil.

    so we got in a cab and i took her to my hotel room.

    for some reason bars close early here in the land of the braver. sure the round mugs of Pale Ale were going for a mere $2.75, and you could get a pitcher for $8, but shit closes early leaving me with only half the buzz i was hoping for.

    got back to the room and i said let me kiss you.

    no.

    let me just rub my beard up against your hottness.

    k.

    ok now let me rub my beard across your back.

    my back?

    yes and i bent her over the bed, lifted her shirt and she had the most beautiful back.maybe it wasnt that beautiful to you, because youre a normal person and have probably gotten some in 2007 but to me, in the moonlight, it was perfect. so i rubbed my dirty beard all over it and tried to get a whiff of, i dont know, something. anything.

    she laughed and said she had to go home.

    i was all, let me see your belly. she said no. i said come on, i could have brought 5 or 6 of those irish girls back here and i coulda gotten em all to show me their irish bellies. and then some!

    she showed me her belly and i wished she hadnt.

  9. Monday, July 23, 2007

    im off to canada. 

    vancouver, canda, bc

    i have a really good hotel thanks to priceline.com which id never used before for… well.. nothing really, but i was sorta stressed out and karisa suggested them and i got a good place for a very good price. and it was easy.

    i have a housesitter, i have the maid coming, all i need to do is pack and launder some sheets and towels for my guest and i’m off.

    whats quite unusual about this excursion is that i believe ive secured two dates. you never know if these things are true until you’re actually right there sitting across with them looking into their eyes saying

    if id known you were going to wear something so low cut i would have done the same.

    anyways now im stressed about that because my budget didnt really factor in two dates with two hot babes.

    so here is something that i came up with, inspired by raymi, indirectly.

    theres nothing i like better than drawing on mix cds.

    and raymi has convinced me that this is actually art.

    she said, it doesnt matter what the music is on the mix cd, people would love your art.

    so since id like to take these babes out on hot dates in vancougar, and since raymi says that you might actually like tony pierce original artwork on the front of a mix cd,

    oh lets say the official laist bbq summer mix tape cd

    then perhaps this might be the time to make those available for a limited time.

    1 for $15
    2 for $25

    free shipping

    will i be blogging from canada? let me tell you a little something. i have been blogging for 13 months straight on laist and i know that the busblog has been effected.

    so for this week while im in vancouver i plan on doing a few things, drinking, hanging out with all of canada, spending the money you give me on beautiful girls, and blogging on the busblog.

    this vacation was meant for this blog. and i totally forgot the magic that this blog could have until my boss noticed how to blog on a book shelf and i signed it and gave it to him and i read my copy later that night to see what hed be reading (my memorys terrible) and i ran across this one that made me so happy

    the stars were out last night. did you see them? speeding through the heavens, spinning at dizzying rates. not saying a thing but sending us a message at one hundred and eighty six thousand miles per second. here i am. here i am. here i am. the opposite of an s-o-s. or is it?

    they say the brightest stars shine strongest right before they die. same goes for flowers. same goes for lies.

    what do you do when you get everything you want she asked me like i was qualified. what do i have? and she said me. twirling with velvet revolutions like a deadhead during space arms out with perfect body language blonde hair twinkling with the glitter of spilt moondust.

    went to the grove to see adam sandlers punch drunk love but it was sold out so we saw igby goes down and were amazed.

    best movie ive seen in a really long time she told me as we flew away to a better place, and i agreed.

    jeff goldblum stole the show and i love it when people steal the show. claire danes looks like shes been fighting a hundred years war and i couldn’t believe how well ryan phillipe has so many different ways to play an asshole.

    black comedy they call a movie like that and its one of the only times where it’s a positive thing to have black as an adjective i told her.

    she said what about my black ferrari?

    i said what about my free ferrari?

    she said what about my first ferrari?

    i said what about my spare ferrari?

    we didn’t fly to my bungalow or the beach house we just kept going higher and higher until we reached the place where prayers are sorted into the thanks and the wants.

    thank you for this incredible girl.

    thank you for this amazing life.

    please let me pass chemistry.

    if you get me out of this shit i promise i’ll never do it again.

    and the prayers kept coming in and the demons had to sort them and they wanted to send them to the wrong place but they couldn’t and that pissed them off more and they suffered and we watched and there was popcorn and there was another culkin tearing up the screen.

    what do you do when your dreams come true whispered a cherub on a smoke break exhaling a long stream of pleasant dreams.

    savor it replied the blue sky.

    remember it said the dead.

    hanging upside down from heaven blowing bubbles that end up as dew

    what do you say when they question your sincerity

    tell em nothing in here is true.

  10. Friday, July 20, 2007

    oftentimes its 3am 

    like it is now. and i think to myself you cant go to sleep yet because you havent written on the busblog. and if you dont write on the busblog before you go to sleep and if you sleep till 11am then you have to LAist for a few hours and it’ll be 3pm before you busblog which means it would be 6pm east coast which means all them might miss whatever brilliance ive got for em.

    but now that i write that i realize that im insane. i got no brilliance left.

    on this blog at least.

    wednesday Laist had our biggest day ever. almost 100k page views. about 80,000 people came to see what we had done.

    and whats ironic is a lot of what people came there to see was the white stripes playing

    one note.

    so rad. i love everything.

    we’re on par to getting a million page views this month. totally outrageous. my entire life is a bizarre dream. so much good. and then random acts of totally lameness.

    today was good though. i had drinks with my boss at the w in westwood.

    pussy for days in that place. damn.

    anyways my boss is probably the best boss ive ever had in that he trusts me and leaves me be and i trust him and leave him be. i also respect him and the other cofounder because a) theyre actual bloggers b) they work their ass off c) all they care about is results d) theyre smart

    in high school the first thing that they should teach you is: you will have to work for idiots.

    the next thing they should teach you is: this is how you repair an automobile.

    and when you become a junior they should teach you: this is how you bring a woman to orgasm left handed.

    because when you know that your bosses will probably be morons, you will stop thinking that youre the crazy one, and you will learn to appreciate the rare times when you will have someone to work for who has their shit together

    on LAist’s climb to the top ive been offered way higher paying gigs with better known companies. but the first thing i ask is: how often will my phone ring

    if the answer is more than once a month then i tell them to come back to me when there are seven zeroes in the offer because to have a boss trust you is priceless

    but a million will do.

    its also rare to talk with someone where you understand everything that theyre saying, and vice versa. especially when you rarely communicate.

    i have a very good thing going and im so grateful and i know that God has something to do with it because the way i got here and what has happened since i got here have been so dramatic that i know it couldnt be luck.

    weeks before i was fired at buzznet i was vomiting blood.

    a year after, ive helped bring a site that very few people were talking about into a blog thats ranked, wow, 757 out of 8 million.

    dont jump off the bridge when the going gets rough

    because maybe it gets rough right before it gets nice because the devil knows whats next for you, and hes trying extra hard to fight it.

    so my advice is vomit the blood, flush, wash your hands, brush your teeth, and stick to yr guns.

    tonight im seeing sonic youth at the greek play the entirety of daydream nation

    free

    and still, i bet, you have it better tonight.