1. Wednesday, August 1, 2007

    dear balls that painfully itch 

    im so sorry i shaved you.

    please talk to me again.

    please stop making every new hair feel like a tiny splinter being stuck into my… balls.

    i dont know why i did it.

    the girls didnt even ask me to.

    not the canadian or irish or malaysian ones at least. they just lusted me for who i was.

    as it should be.

    which is why i did it, for them. because they Didnt ask.

    it was the cuban who put the bug in my ear. and karisa didnt help either.

    trim! theyd say.

    or shave! theyd demand.

    why do i listen to anyone who has their shirt still on? seriously.

    isnt that rule number one in the bachelor bob rulebook of how to accept constructive criticism? never pay attention if the chick is fully clothed. duh.

    i wanted to take you to see the format tonight at the avalon but you would have just complained.

    yes this bikini zone is working. but im a healthy man. and a minister. what would it look like if i walked down the streets of hollywood scratching my package and yelping each step as a new stiff hair digs into my african american dream.

    LAist nearly got a million hits last month. i just got off the best vacation ever. two of my writers just got picked up by the LA Times. prettiest girl ive ever seen on facebook today full on sent me an email from her workplace and the whole thing made me smile.

    and the cubs are on a damn roll.

    with you in agony, balls, you’re sorta ruining this magic week.

    please get better soon and i promise i will take you to some cool places other than this couch in hollywood.

    and i swear to you that i will never allow a razor anywhere near your general direction.

    yours in rock,