Dear Hank Aaron

beating babe ruth i wish you were here in LA.

i know you dont wanna travel around and follow Barry Bonds as he breaks your record, but we all do things that we dont wanna do sometimes

and you know what, i hate that jackhole too.

and i know he doesnt deserve to break your record.

i know that the steroids helped him recover from injury faster and that armor that he wears on his elbow allows him to crowd the plate, and i know his penis is small and doesnt work any more probably

but youre hank aaron

you had a hammer.

and everyone knows that youre the home run king.

everyone knows that when you broke babe ruths record in 1974 you were threatened by racists and your life was ruined for years and you just couldnt wait for it to be over.

but you did it with class. you are class.

and no you dont owe anyone shit.

but maybe if you were sitting there in the special box next to the mayor of the town or tommy lasorda or someone and barry saw you there every night being classy and being hank aaron who started his career in the negro leagues with no aspirations to even get in to the major leagues because that sort of thinking was crazy

maybe barry would see how unworthy he is

and stop this nonsense one shy of the record.

the last thing he wants to do is see you there.

the last thing he wants to do is see that big fat old mans belly of yours filled with food that you worked for. sitting on a wallet that was never filled up with 8-digit contracts.

sitting on an ass that has never been juiced.

being in puerto rico is fine

but pete rose should be in the hall of fame

and hank aaron should be in the house when home run history is present.

your pal,