nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, August 24, 2007
  2. Thursday, August 23, 2007

    hi canada 

    yesterday i was asked if i would ever leave LA.

    i said, sure, if i was in love with someone and i was able to write for a living and spend most of my day smoking weed in my pajama bottoms.

    the questioner asked
    would you move to new mexico?

    i said no.

    new york?
    maybe. if i was paid three times more than i get now, maybe.

    oregon, yes.

    how about canada.
    and i said i would definately move to canada but only if i was married to a girl
    who loved wearing different cheerleader outfits every day.

    because if she didnt, come december id be saying, why the hell did i leave LA?

    but thank you miss604 and keira for your lovely hello from bc!

  3. my brother in law surprised me with a phone call today 

    thank youfuckers been here for days and hasnt told me. so even though today i was super busy, as always, like crazy busy, i was very happy to have him take me out to dinner.

    for some reason my mom didnt tell me he was gonna be here either cuz she thought that i didnt care cuz any time she tells me that some crazy cousin or some weird relative i met when i was 3 is in town i yawn and when pressed to hang out with them i threaten suicide.

    but i have nothing but love for my brother in law. not only did he marry my only sister, which i appreciate. but he helped create two beatiful kids, one of whom totally looks like me, and hes even raising them, which im also stoked about.

    and he takes after my moms household, automotive, and spiritual needs at no extra charge.

    hes a very good man. hes very quiet. hes very white. and hes top shelf if you ask me.

    so when he said he wanted thai food i was all, palms thai of course.

    but then we started driving and the sun was setting and the poor dudes gotta go back to chicago where he says the weathers been shitty all summer so i said lets go to the beach and eat around there. and just as we had decided on touristy gladstones, danielle, who formerly lived two blocks away from gladstones called me to ask me if major league baseball players get paid their major league salary when theyre sent down to the minors – it depends on their contracts – i asked her if there were any good thai places near gladstones.

    she said yes, Thai Beach, just north of the Reel Inn

    and there it was right across the street from the beach, there on pch.

    we ate delicious foods, i smiled at a waitress who wasnt ours, everyone in the place eating were suspicious characters, my brother in laws work paid for the whole thing, and it was quite a lovely situation.

    when we got back to my place, i did the only thing my family has done to him for as long as we’ve known him, we put him to work. i had him connect my faulty WiFi

    and the craziest thing is he tried to fix it and after an hour of tinkering, he couldnt do it.

    and i thought to myself, i coulda sworn he was xbi.

    but nope, hes just nice.

  4. Wednesday, August 22, 2007

    theres a dilemma in the house of fun 

    even though for some reason i dont seem to have any problems getting women. i do seem to have problems getting the women i dont have.

    im sure if i was patient i would get them, but when youre as old as i am you dont wanna play the game of cat and mouse.

    all you want to have happen is, she puts down her drink, leans over the table, and whispers in your ear

    youre my favorite writer ever and i want you to ravish me later.

    two girls came over tonight and couldnt have been more annoying. i wonder if they do this to everyone or if they were just trying to be cute. it wasnt cute.

    everything the one girl would say shed say with a sneer and everything the other girl would say shed upspeak like she was asking a question. almost like she was trying to sound dumb as fuck.

    but i didnt care because she had a bikini top on and booty shorts.

    i tried to esp them so hard that i literlly put my fingers on my temples and said to myself

    either start making out or leave immediately.

    bitchy girl was all omg what ARE you doing?

    i was like, im ESPing you.

    bitch was all could you be more ridiculous?

    i went

    kiss your friend right now or get back on your broom and motor.

    skank said who the hell says motor these days?


    and bootie shorts girl looked amazed at both me and her friend and her friend was all i dont know what youre talking about and i ran into the kitchen and i ran back out with a bottle of vinegar and i threw it at her and i said OUT YOU WITCH GET OUT OF MY HOUSE

    and the vinegar burned her wrists and legs and everywhere that i poured it and she screamed and smoke curls formed like plastic had been lit on fire and she grabbed for her friend as she hauled ass at the door but i slapped her hand away

    and slammed the door behind her, grabbed my crucifix from my nearby briefcase and held it up and readied the remains of the vinegar but the witch had gone.

    and when i turned around for a minute i was nervous that my bikini topped friend was also a witch so i winced when i shook some vinegar at her

    and i licked that shit off when it became obvious that she had passed the test.

  5. Tuesday, August 21, 2007

    yesterday everything went right 

    beastie boys

    i got to meet and interview the beastie boys. me and my music editor asked the best questions of anyone there

    afterwards i met someone from Capitol who sends me emails and cds and stuff and for some reason i asked for the new Beasties cd. i didnt know who i wanted to give it to but i wanted to.

    so then we went downstairs in the elevator and there were the three bad brothers you know so well waiting for their cars to arrive.

    so i unwrapped the cd and i had a sharpie on me and i handed it over to them and they signed it like no problem because they rule.

    on the way home i wanted to talk to someone because i wanted to make sure that i wasnt dreaming. probably because i never have dreams and i wasnt sure if someone hadnt snuck a dream in on me when i wasnt lookin

    so madpony kristin was home and i havent talked to her in a while so we chatted and she was doing just as good as i was so it was yay yay yay yay with each other

    then karisa reminded me that we were supposed to eat sushi and see a concert tonight

    i was all, can this day be any better?

    so she got out of work, went to yoga class, showered and came over looking dazzling

    we saw this super funny band called Wounded Cougar at Safari Sams

    but before the show i was all, you know that looks like Sam over there

    he brought rock to Little Armenia. it cost him almost $1 million extra dollars than it should, but he did it and i wanted to thank him for it.

    so we chatted about back in the day and now in the day and he told me of a band i gotta see and all was great. and then all of a sudden the show was starting so we saw it and it was funny as hell. and really good.

    apparently theyre Beck’s backup band or something, but they didnt need no beck. they were perfect all by themselves. in fact the singer reminded me of The Pants

    which was interesting because karisa and i ate sushi afterwards on Franklin next to this bar that Sabrina C., one of the Pants’ friends, goes to

    and bam there she was.

    hi sabrina!

    then me and karisa ate all this sushi and beer and saki and we went dutch treat cuz i was too blown away and happy and blissful to challenge her and i had all these emails to answer when i got home and here it is 2:19am and i love everyone

    and i can seriously die now cuz ive seen it and done it all. so thank you for everyone who made everything possible. my life was great and im so thankful you have no idea.

  6. Monday, August 20, 2007

    sabatoge last night at the Greek 

    what i love about the web is it catches people being up to no good.

    there are a few rats in LAist’s comments. at first some said, oh thats our competition, but we dont have any competition any more someone else said, and she might be right.

    maybe it’s Different Enemies someone else said. but i poo pooed that concept because how could a web site that dedicates itself 24/7 to stoking its readers and giving them soooo much as fast as possible, attract haters or enemies?

    and then one of my most trusted advisors said, hey tony try this little trick in this one post that i know youre gonna do.

    and what she suggested was to spin a little web

    so as to trap the rats.

    big web. big trap.

    and sure enough some big freaking people were caught.


    and i have the best advisors, i have the best friends, and its so hard to believe, but i work for the best blog.

    above is some video from the mahem that was Sabatoge last night.

    and here is the photo essay of love that i promised you from when i got to take pictures from in front of the front.

  7. half of my job is getting people into places 

    and the other half of my job is getting people to read the things that my people write after they come out of the places.

    all the stuff that either they dont write or cant write or wont write, i write.

    hard to believe that i wrote almost 2,000 posts last year for LAist

    and it’s harder to believe that last night i didn’t have a ticket to see the Beastie Boys play, and yet minutes before the show was to start i was being told that i was going to be in the front of the front row taking pictures of their first three songs.

    dont ever kill yourself people.

    you never know whats waiting for you.

    this weekend we had a party at my house. it wasnt that great of a party

    until the Miss Universe pagent strolled through.

    there were these black girls from Africa, this asian surfer girl, after everyone had left a norweigan lass tapped on my door and helped me with all my left over beers.

    and squeezed in there somewhere was the barely legal AOL user.

    before the party i was nervous, then during the party i was sad, then at the peak of the party i was super happy and then at the end of the party i was really sad and then in the morning when i woke up with a girl from norway asking me if id consider an early morning romp i was no longer sad.

    especially when she joined me in the closet under the little known fact that i had never banged a scandinavian in my closet


    see how nice things can be when people say yes i asked myself scrunched against a row of stiff suits i hadnt worn in years and have now tossed into garbage bags as they will soon be donated to Goodwill

    and maybe the Lord saw that i was giving to the poor which is why he had my Music Editor call me and offer me tickets to the beasties last night and then photo passes and then a ride with cool people.

    so please dont anyone kill themselves

    because there may be accents and front rows right around the corner for your ass

    whether you deserve it or nacht.

    and this evening i get to interview the boys.

  8. Saturday, August 18, 2007

    aimoo asks 

    sidenote: why is everyone so in love with tony pierce?

    i think they used to love me more. i think i used to love them more. i think we used to love each other in different ways then and now we love each other in different ways now.

    the truth of the matter is i get the cold shoulder in the comments of LAist and i have lost 3/4s of my readers of the busblog, but the truth of the matter is LAist is #621 in technorati and improving every day, which, since i put like All of my time into that is all the positive reinforcement that i need.

    and the threesomes of course

    and the xxx facebook messages

    and the chicks who look so young i call them chris hanson cuz i know hes gonna jump out of the woods any minute.

    but chris i asked her for two forms of ID

    but look at her tony, shes clearly pre pubescent

    but chris, both of her government issued —

    she has no odor tony!

    but chris she loved me for me, not my blog

    anyways aimoo i just hope they know that i love them just as much as before

    this is just what a blog looks like when the blogger loves and is obsessed with his job.

    ps the cubs are in first place and thats god loving tony pierce so much

  9. tonight in rock in la 

    Morris Day & the Time, Sea Wolf, The Broken West, Ben Harper, Blonde Redhead, The Emotions, Medusa, Breakestra, Autolux, Culver City Dub Collective, The Parson Red Heads, The Pity Party, Division Day, others @ Sunset Junction (10a-10p)

    Yolanda Adams, Angie Stone, Clarence Carter, The Laws Family, Eloise Laws, Barbara Morrison, Linda Hopkins, Billy Valentine @ Compton Summer Soul Jam, Par 3 Golf Course

    Stevie Nicks, ZZ Top, The Pretenders, Stray Cats, Sugar Ray @ Verizon
    George Clinton & The P-Funk All Stars, Zapp, Lakeside, Force MD’s @ Greek
    Dramarama, A Flock of Seagulls, Real Life, Gene Loves Jezebel @ House of Blues
    Smokey Robinson @ Cerritos Center
    Diana Krall @ Hollywood Bowl
    The Binges, The Swedish Models, Kill the Complex @ The Roxy
    The Murder Junkies @ Anarchy Library
    Michael Penn, Patton Oswalt @ Largo
    Maze w/Frankie Beverly, Ashford & Simpson @ Gibson
    Iron Maidens, Cutthroat, Warryor, Bluebeard @ Paladino’s
    The Joneses, The Purple Gang, Prima Donnas @ The Airliner
    B-Side Players, Gloria Trevi, Fanny Lu, King Klave @ Dodger Stadium
    El Vez @ Watercourt at California Plaza
    Richie Ramone @ Descanso Gardens

    just sayin