1. Tuesday, November 20, 2007

    if you dont know by now, im really old 

    if you dont know thats fine, cuz i always forget.

    some things make me feel young, like when i can keep up with a college girl who laughs and yells and dances and then wants to bang well into the wee hours.

    some things make me feel old, like when i see that today, 30 years ago, walter payton ran for 275 yards against the minnesota vikings.

    what makes me feel old about that lil tidbit was i was at that fucking game.


    up in the endzone. in sorta crappy seats. and the bears sucked, but because bears fans have always been real fans, the place was packed, thus the bad seats.

    the bears sucked so badly that year/decade that, because i was there, i clearly remember the fact that despite the fact that sweetness ran for 275 (100 is a great game) and broke the nfl record for most yards in one game, payton didnt even score one touchdown

    in fact the bears sucked so much that they almost lost the damn thing

    they won 10-7

    the only touchdown was a fake to walter and a pitch to Matt Suhey, good old number 26

    yes thats how old i am, i remember all of that.

    all the sex drugs rock in my life and that day, thirty years ago, is riveted in my brain, no matter how much pressure or consequence or blonde girls try to fuck it out of me.

    so since we are remembering walter, let me tell you one more story about good old #34, of which there are many

    but one day i was at the arcade. it was the early 80s. space invaders had just come out. the first real coin op video game to hit our town. before that everything was pinball.

    we had several arcades, but the best one was at Green Valley Driving Range on Lake Street. walter was there for two reasons. first he was there to hit balls, but he was also there because he knew we had Space Invaders.

    which i was playing when one of my friends said jesus christ tony walter fucking payton is hitting golf balls!

    i was all shut up youre just trying to distract me. he was all no shit dude hes right fucking there man.

    and after my quarter was done, i looked and there he was, huge calves, white tube socks, shorts, and he was creaming golf balls. putting dents in the horizon.

    i ran to the golf lady and said can i please borrow a pen so i can get walters autograph? she said no, we dont want you to scare him away.

    so i fucking Booked all through the tree forest to my house and grabbed a pen and ran back to the arcade as fast as i could and back then i was fast. but when i got to the parking lot i saw walters Jeep pulling out of the parking lot. apparently he was as shitty at space invaders as i was.

    i ran after the jeep. walter wasnt driving. but they saw me waving and running and i saw the brake lights and they stopped! huffing and puffing i said walter youre the best ever i saw you run against minnesota for 275 youre the best can i please please have an autograph and he said sure

    and when people say that Sweetness was the greatest they dont even know the meaning of the word.

    but i do.