1. Wednesday, December 3, 2008

    exclusive interview with a blogger who just broke up with a billionaire 

    Lindsay: left you some presents on the blog
    me: oooooooooooo. what could they be? hey – pics! thanks!!
    Lindsay: I’ll be taking special requests all week seeing as I will be officially unemployed as of tomorrow afternoon
    me: hmmmm. does bro read your blog?
    Lindsay: i’m not really certain. i don’t think so but who knows. he has mysterious super powers.
    me: do you care if he does?
    Lindsay: not particularly
    me: ok here are some requests – a tour of your bachelorette pad, a fashion show, an update regarding the puggles, and a retrospective about why you were with bro and why you left. also, what would you do if the architect came back. also, how you really feel about the xcon
    Lindsay: those are all fantastic

    me: whats taking these employers to hire you, i thought you had your 2nd interview weeks ago
    Lindsay: no, 2nd interview was today,1st was last tuesday. this is fast compared to my other experiences. i’ve interviewed with 7 people thus far.
    me: whoah. whats the company?
    Lindsay: promise you won’t tell?
    me: promise!! vikings??!? twin/tone? al franken for senate?
    Lindsay: http://www.kumandgo.com
    me: none in LA :(
    Lindsay: big in the midwest and arkansas, which would be my territory
    me: web development?
    Lindsay: yep

    Lindsay: are you still dating that cheerleader i met?
    me: sometimes. to piss her off i call her “the cougar” even though shes close to half my age.
    Lindsay: so mean. and here i thought she was really a cougar. how do you get these women?
    me: if you havent figured out by now, i dont really pick them as much as they pick me
    Lindsay: well yes I suppose, wouldn’t that be nice. I am jealous
    me: jealous of nba cheerleaders who read yr blog, email you, and then bore you on dates?
    Lindsay: no silly, of not having a following of dudes that eliminate my need to exert effort in the dating arena
    me: well. something tells me if thats what you wanted, you could have it pretty easily. although i woulda said the same thing about danielle and sass, theyve had zero luck for way too long

    Lindsay: men are not as easy as women make them out to be. you think I could have kept the billionaire happy by cooking, cleaning and dressing up in really expensive lingerie…but no, not enough
    me: all you did was dress up? there wasnt anything more?
    Lindsay: ok, so I took it off too
    me: ahahaha
    Lindsay: like three times a day every day
    me: but no sex?
    Lindsay: that too, three times a day every day
    me: hello. yeah, effers crazy. what more did he want from you?
    Lindsay: i needed to be skinnier, prettier, nicer, smarter, etc.
    me: !!!!!

    Lindsay: he’s clearly delusional. and i just simply gave up trying to meet the ever increasing standard.
    me: how long had you known him before you started dating?
    Lindsay: about a year and a half, maybe two years
    me: during that time did you see him date girls better than you?
    Lindsay: no, they were all umm, how do I say this, not cute at all? and they didn’t have jobs.
    me: does his friends have hotter gfs/wives than you?
    Lindsay: no
    me: then who was he comparing himself and you to?
    Lindsay: the movies?
    me: ahahahahaha. porn movies i hope. cuz youre ten times hotter than jennifer anniston

    Lindsay: unnecessary compliments! besides i was thinking he and i were more like angelina jolie and chris farley in a hypothetical movie never made
    me: aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhahahah. hopefully you laughed a lot in your time together
    Lindsay: it wasn’t all bad, just mostly the last 6 months
    me: please tell me you kept the lingerie
    Lindsay: closets full of it!
    me: hmmmm what on earth do i want for christmas. I KNOW!
    Lindsay: well good thing i will have all of this spare time to go to the gym. i hear danity kane is looking for a new member
    me: you dont wanna learn those dance moves. the group to be in is the one with ryan starr

    Lindsay: hahaha awesome. i’ll have to come up with an amazing hollywood name first
    me: the only reason i wanna come out with a new blook, is to reintroduce the name i gave my last gf, Shhhhhh
    Lindsay: that seems like an excellent reason. and the name is….?
    me: i just told you!
    Lindsay: shhhh?
    me: yes, isnt it great?
    Lindsay: and how does one get a name like that?
    me: be a very shy really cute and pretty much angelic.
    Lindsay: it is all coming together now

    me: what other good things did you get from the divorce?
    Lindsay: the dog, free sex if I want it
    me: you had the dog before! and the sex!
    Lindsay: soo, yes, pretty much nothing has come of the divorce. i need a new lawyer
    me: well you got freedom. i was very nervous you were going to be married, and an unhappy bride at that
    Lindsay: i was nervous about that too. i had to talk him out of proposing three times
    luckily his parents hated me, so that put an end to marriage talk towards the end

    me: why on earth did they hate you?
    Lindsay: oh! this is funny. i can’t believe ive never written about it. mostly, they hated me because i was too independent, had too many opinions, cared too much about my career and education, and was not subservient enough.
    me: wtf with this family!
    Lindsay: they should all be committed or at least subjected to therapy
    me: everyone wanted you to just Obey chris farley? insanity
    Lindsay: pretty much
    me: did his mom just obey his dad?
    Lindsay: yep, the woman barely ever said a word.
    me: wow
    Lindsay: they still live in 1955
    me: the best thing about that year, angus young was born

    me: ok so why did you even stay with him for more than a month? it sounded horrible
    Lindsay: well it wasnt always so bad. he is the nicest person on the planet most of the time. but he is just so screwed up from his family life. but he always expected something for being nice
    me: he figured if he was being nice then he could demand that you be his little bitch/ho?
    Lindsay: pretty much
    me: did he really think that would satisfy him in life?
    Lindsay: deep down, i don’t know. but his family tried to convince him that being able to control his wife would make him happy
    me: he should get some mailorder russian girl who wants a green card or something, or would the fam look down on that too?
    Lindsay: no foreigners allowed
    me: well… theres girls for him out there
    Lindsay: his last two girlfriends fit the bill perfectly
    me: did he get bored ?
    Lindsay: yep!
    me: then hes a dumbass. he knows the formulae doesnt work, he has the hottest girl in america underneath him and he cant figure out to let it be
    Lindsay: i’m not waiting around for him to resolve his internal dilemma. I prefer hottest girl in this zipcode, you never know whats out there
    me: you, lindsay, are the total package. and the hottest part about you cant be worked on in the gym
    Lindsay: you’re too sweet, now I am blushing
    me: awwww. i hope you find a smarter billionaire next time
    Lindsay: i’ll settle for a smart anything

    me: you went to the rnc convention parties, right?
    Lindsay: yep
    me: any cute smart men there?
    Lindsay: they were all very lame. and just stared at my boobs
    me: ahahahaahahaha
    Lindsay: i do best with the really laid back type. so maybe i need to visit an artists colony or something. or date a dude in a band
    me: not sure about a dude in a band. do you read Sass’s blog?
    Lindsay: of course
    me: doesnt sound like her band dudes are that laid back
    Lindsay: true
    me: but theyre also yuppie rnc types

    Lindsay: maybe jason mraz is single, he seems laid back
    me: cant say i know his work
    Lindsay: oh its terrible
    me: ahahahaa
    Lindsay: like if john mayer and jack johnson had a baby
    me: yikes. you just like him cuz hes hot
    Lindsay: no, he isnt. he is just kind of quirky
    me: have you heard of josh ritter?
    Lindsay: nope
    me: he was the nicest musician i ever met. had this private show at Virgin hq, and after he signed your cd hed hug you
    Lindsay: no kidding?
    me: i was all, this guy will sell 7 cds in his entire career. fortunately i know zero about music and hes turnedout to be mildly successful
    Lindsay: too bad he isn’t cute enough
    me: but quirky!
    Lindsay: true, i’ll put him on my list alongside my pro hockey player

    me: oh i know who you want. btw – the cougar in her natural environment
    Lindsay: who do I want? oh she is really pretty. she has a very friendly smile. wait, is that against the t-wolves?
    me: yep. last year. ok im searching, i cant remember his name. hippie dude
    Lindsay: hmmm, i dated a hippie once
    me: how did it go?
    Lindsay: ok not great
    me: yr new man

    Lindsay: hmmm this could work
    me: “some songs i cant sing, i draw“. just broke up with natalie portman in sept
    Lindsay: thats why he looks familar. natalie portman is pretty much my idol, so that would be hard to live up to
    im sure hed appreciate being with a woman after effing around with a little girl
    Lindsay: possibly, unless he is into little girls
    if hes really a hippie he was just going with the flow
    Lindsay: regardless, i will begin stalking him
    me: ahahah perfect!
    Lindsay: new blog topic! i will write him letters
    dont forget to include pics!
    Lindsay: pics for sure. i better get to bed, i have to go into work tomorrow to take down all of my audrey hepburn posters
    me: ahahaha

    how will Lindsay fare as a single girl in the midwest, billionaire-less? find out by following her on her blog: etorre.blogspot.com