women who plan on loving me

i am not a good choice

i am mean and dumb, im fat around the belly, and lazy in the soul.
my heart is black, my opinions are fixed, my head is hard.
i will lie in my blog, i will exaggerate on my site,
i will create photo essays that will make you cry on varied levels.

if you leave me for another, that other better beat me at everything
because i do see it as a competition, because to me everything is a competition
and because i have issues with my chicago cubs, it is my job to win at everything else

because im a blogger everything will end up here in some twisted way that will make me look like the victim/hero/loveable one, and most others will be painted with an unfair and miserable brush.

i will live alone and be bitter. eventually i will burn in hell. my grave will be vandalized and used as a commode for the homeless and the wise.

but while i am alive i will do evil to the sweetest folks, i will betray your trust, and i will mock your choices.

im not much to look at, im boring to be around, im not well read, im unedjumacated where it matters, and you will be left unsatisfied on every level of our romance.

i will not cook, i will not clean, i will not offer to help.

i can turn anything into a mess at the drop of a hat, i will find wrong in anything, i will be quick to use the bible against you as well as rock lyrics.

i will compare you to women in my past, to your face, i will argue in stupid circles, i will bring up the worst examples to try to prove my point.

ultimately all i want to do is sit on my couch and hold your hand and wait for you to please me by ordering chinese in high heels and a cowboy hat.

my secret dream is to have a top hat and a monocle and a kegorator and for you to perfect the lost art of making deep dish pizza because oh yes i am also so very cheap.

and yet still better than that mess thats on top of you currently.