today is my first girlfriend ever mary’s birthday

shes 25.

mary taught me a valueable lesson – always tell the hot babe that you love that you love her. i loved her in freshman year of high school i loved her in sophomore year of high school and when we were juniors and she told me that she was gonna move to california i was all omg i better make a move on her and tell her that i lover or i will never get the chance to do it.

so i took her to a hockey game but a fight broke out and i had to jump on the ice and help my friends and i got a bloody face and i couldnt move my mouth to tell her what i had been sitting on all these years.

so then i took her to a movie but the film was so good that i thought about it as i drover home and when her pa turn on the driveway light she ran inside.

so then the next week i tooker to another film and it was good but not great and as i was driving her home i said a little prayer which ended thusly, “lord if i should make a move on this six foot blonde, please send me a sign” and a cow being carried off by a tornado skipped across us and into the Illinois cornfields so i said “any sign at all” and the play-by-play part of Meatloaf’s “2 outta 3 aint bad” came on, and i said no really any sign and i will do it

and then tom pettys break down played on the radio and i veered over in a ditch and i jumped on her and it was my first non-spin-the-bottle kiss with a girl and it was magical. and for the short period of time that she was still in IL she was my gf.

she moved to california which might be a secret reason why i moved here the day after high school (ya think?) and we lived happily ever after.

not really but lets pretend that thats what went down.

mary is now in san diego with her two beautiful sons, where she has lived for quite a while and we talk once a month and exchange fruit baskets at christmas. the end.

happy birthday mary!