1. Tuesday, December 1, 2009

    my nutritionist is not the least bit happy 

    with all this McRib chatter.

    its almost like im cheating on her in some weird way.

    little does she know that i am tempted all day in this office by odd foods.

    take this bag of chips for example.

    youd think a man could dip his hands into a bag of tostidos and pull out a chip. but no. there appears to be some home made brownie / fudge in there looking to sabotage him.

    theres also pizza, thai food, cakes, candy jars, cupcakes, and even a damn test kitchen in this building producing all sorts of tasty delectables and leading this sinner into temptation.

    i am but a man.

    i only have one life to live.

    me want cookies.

    but me also want a waist that i dont need a new zip code for.

    me also want to fit into my jeans without having to suck it all in first.

    me also want to rip off my tear-away warmup pants preceding intimate moments and produce a different reaction than hilarious guffaws.

    my heros are harry caray and charles bukoski. they never counted their calories or ran around hollywood in the middle of the night.

    theyre also dead. but when they were alive they Lived.

    i wanna live while i am alive. i wanna eat drink and be with mary.

    i see the men you women date. they dont all look like that guy in the Ab Blaster commercial.

    they look like theyve eaten a few brownies hiding out in a Tostidos bag.

    like you, america, i want it all.