when i was a kid the greatest thing that happened to our town

was it got a shopping mall

we didnt even get the mall, the town two towns over got the mall, but same diff.

yesterday my mom and i went to said mall, 100 years later, to do some last minute Christmas shopping. parts were sad. so sad. like the empty stores in the mall.

some parts were just weird, like the pet store called Furry Babies where the puppies were kept in cribs

and the workers dressed up like nurses assistants and had to wear scrubs.

also weird was the glow in the dark / black light indoor mini golf place, that made me wanna do acid. mom didnt like it when i told her that.

i didnt like it that the only real book store in the place was closing, and all that was left in the “African-American” section was a book about how great Clarence Thomas is/was and a book by Larry Elder. Even for a buck no one wanted those things.

found a couch that made me wanna get married so i could build a mancave.

why get married first? cuz a single man with a mancave is just a pathetic fellow.

wanna know what else is pathetic? that this is so delicious, but my nutritionist would be so disappointed in me for eating it. all. especially the garlic butter cheese grits.

Christmas isnt about malls, it’s about the Baby Jesus.

but you really cant sit on a baby’s lap and take a picture in front of a corporate record store

and if all youre selling is cookies, its hard to beat the pretzel place whose putting cinnamon, sugar,

or pepperoni on their pretzels. so keep that in mind.

from the land of hunting hoodies, peace out