artie lange is in the hospital

but damn im feeling great

something in that z pizza pizza cleared up my sinuses and helped me fall asleep last night at a reasonable hour.

when im sick i like to board up the windows, bolt the doors, and burrow under the house.

in the midwest they have basements. no basements on the west coast. but there is a soft underbelly. thats where i go.

the battery rechargers are there. the river styx flows nearby. aint no women. aint no discos. aint nothing cute or pretty.

you know when a man has gone down under because when he emerges he doesnt smell so good. but he glows. theres no 5 o’clock shadow. even hair knows to stay the f away.

but i do watch a lot of youtube videos. and eat. and blow my nose a lot. normally i have a cute little baby trash can next to my bed. when im sick i roll in one of those industrial dumpsters. i tear through juice containers, cereal boxes, and toilet paper. some people use kleenex. not a fan of kleenex. the little dust bits get in my nose. its a selffufilling prophecy. id rather just rock the paper towels. who cares if my nose turns red. im sick its supposed to be red!

but today friends i pushed the stone away from the hole and i emerged and a beam of sunshine hit me and america ive been healed.

and im back.

i walked outside to my driveway to pick up my paper and i saw that karisas mom had brought me some chicken soup. (see photo above). and i thank her but if i drink one more spoonful of soup im gonna take a knife to arties big belly. (too soon?)

anyways i feel great and i appreciate all the cards, letters, and naughty things you sent to my gmail. i remain in awe of your generosity and trust. peace & love, peace & love.

and lets send our prayers to the baby gorilla and hope he finally gets the help hes been screaming out for.