nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, May 27, 2010

    sometimes i rhyme fast 

    sometimes i rhyme slow

    how often do you really know whats going on in the world?
    how often do you really know whats going on in
    your life?

    how often do you let other people decide whats going on in your world and or life?

    arent we supposed to be the masters of our destinies?

    arent we supposed to be the ones who even know what our end goal is?

    the only thing i have control of in my life is what pictures i staple to my bedroom walls,

    and i dont even have all the pictures up that i want because im nervous what the nba cheerleaders who frequent my humble abode would say and think.

    so maybe theres nothing in my life that accurately reflects what i think, love, and find wonderful.

    sad when even American Apparel ads have more honesty than a mans own url

  2. as ive gotten older i have less and less tolerance for people 

    maybe i just have some pent-up anger from somewhere, maybe all of this would have been different if the cubs had won the world series in ’84.

    but for decades ive wondered why the mediocre and the lame have buzzed around me, only recently has the annoyance reached a point where it has affected my mood.

    i see it everywhere. mostly when i drive. mostly when i listen to the radio. mostly when i read the comments throughout the interwebs. who are these people i ask myself.

    its not just those from ivy league schools, its the uneducated too. its those who dont even try to be annoying – they just are, by default.

    i dont hate everyone. i love the people i work with. i love most of the blogosphere that ive always loved. and there are some very smart and creative people working in the entertainment world who amuse me, but its weird how much i despise compared to when i was younger. no tolerance!

    for example, fast food… who loves fast food more than me? no one. and who loves ribs more than me? so heres Burger King who advertises real ribs, not that stuff they make the McRib from, these are ribs with bones and fat and meat and all the nice things that create heart attacks.

    $2 for three ribs, they tell us, if you also buy a value meal with something else. fine. done. but look at these lil fellas. its an insult.

    its all an insult, america.

    or maybe im just entering the crabby old man stage of my life.

    this makes me happy, for the record:

    even if it is alcohol abuse

  3. Wednesday, May 26, 2010

    the lights went out at wrigley tonight 

    for 18 minutes. probably a sign from Above

    that there shouldnt be lights at wrigley field.

    so rarely are the rules in life so simple:

    dont have sex with little kids.

    dont put silverware in light sockets.

    dont put lights up at Wrigley Field.

    even though the Cubbies play the least amount of home games at night, it doesnt matter, they shouldnt be playing Any at night at home. its the principal. its what (used) to make the Cubs different and special – and Better than the rest of the league.

    the cubbie curse is so bad that Cub blog waxpaperbeercup is saying that this year there are more empty seats at the friendly confines than people have seen for several decades.

    because im a freak, it only inspires me to really plan a trip soon to the windy, but it only enforces my belief that there should be two huge promotions this year

    Rickets, i hope youre listening

    1. Bring your Goat to the Game day
    everyone knows that the biggest curse the cubs are experiencing is due in part to the fact that they refused to allow that famous billy goat entry into the ball park. the way i see it, theres not a cop in chicago who would arrest a man for bringing his goat to wrigley during one of these special days.

    2. The Demolition of the Lights night
    the lights were installed during a time when the city of Chicago had a weak and temporary mayor. the Cubs were promised the All-Star game if they erected the nonsense. taking down the lights and donating them to a school or a park would not only bring such positive vibes to the city the park and the team, but it would teach the kids that not everything should be done to rake in the most amount of cash or please God TV.

    trust me, if the Cubs make it to the world series, it doesnt matter if you televise those games at 6am, people will tune in.

  4. do you know what i love about this blog? 


    you dont judge me, youre never bored. you let me write about anything.

    when i was obnoxious you never minded. when i lie you never call me out.

    when im boring you just let it happen. when im excited you never make fun.

    when i get obsessed with women you dont tease, when i get into sports you dont bail.

    you love my quickies. you adore the epic rants.

    but most of all you dont mind when i blog without pants.

  5. Tuesday, May 25, 2010
  6. the return of the conquering hero 

    the gentleman on the left is the heroic Borzou Daragahi who is the lead blogger for our middle east blog Babylon and Beyond.

    not only is he a great dude, but hes from chicago and recently won the award of Iranian American of the Year.

    no seriously

    this guy covered the Iranian revolution so well and hes here today to say hi.

    funniest thing is so many people know his name and work on his copy (like copy editor Steve on the right of the pic above) that they didnt recognize him until i loudly shouted, whaddup Bor ZOOO!

    and now i have to finish this post and talk to whitney, who writes true blood, about fashion blogs like all the rage.

  7. ok lets pretend some of this is true 

    lets pretend that karisa picked me up in Hollywood early friday morning. lets pretend my boss was all, you look like you need some time off and gave me friday off. lets pretend karisas boss was all damn you need a little adventure.

    lets pretend we zoomed across the desert in record time and made it to Luxor and lets pretend they were all tony pierce and karisa j? how would you like a pyramid suite with a hot tub in the room?

    lets say such a thing was accepted. lets say karisas sister was in town. lets say a young pilot was invited to party with us. lets say food and drink were acquired.

    and since we’re just blogging, lets say gambling went down of all sorts. mostly roulette, but a little bit of black jack.

    lets also say that whatever casino we were at had high back couch-like gambling with go go dancers mere feet away throwing beads to whoever.

    lets say your hero is an old man so he had to call it a night at 1:30am because he had been up till 4:30am thursday night watching tony clifton and macgruber. which was good because now he was a few hundred up and its alway nice to hit the hay when youre up.

    stories were told over breakfast about LAX nightclub being lame, being so weird that they wouldnt let karisa sit unless the pilot bought a table with bottle service.

    attention dance clubs: dont you like women to wear high heels and uncomfortable clothes? dont you think that theyd like to rest their puppies? and dont you think that not every guy wants to have to lay out hundreds of dollars so someone can grab a rest?

    saturday morning meant beach and/or pool. it also meant that a group of pre-college girls in bikinis giggled next to us and some post-college, lets say looser, women laughed drunkenly on the other side of us.

    lets say some things that happen in vegas should be tucked away. and lets say that some peoples versions of bikini bottoms are very different than others. lets say we stayed at the pool until cypress hill needed to set up for their evening concert. and how about if this was thrown in: steel panther was also scheduled to play somewhere else in the hotel.

    im tired of just saying things. lets just lie now.

    ordered a $45 bowl of seafood pasta. drank like a fish. karisa looked ugly. playboy club was boring. the music was awesome at Club Moon. and the retractable roof at the top of the Palms was not interesting at all.

    nor were the dancing girls at the rhino.

    nor was falling asleep at 6:30am.

    i didnt smile or laugh or enjoy myself one bit.

  8. Monday, May 24, 2010

    theres a famous celebrity having a meltdown on twitter 

    its pretty scary.

    good news nothing on this blog is true.

    good news nothing on Lost was a dream.

    anyways htis famous celeb has gray hair and the girl in the video chat window is pretty damn young.

    he asks her are you my girlfriend? she says awkwardly yeah.

    the music is super loud. distorted. he asks what if tonites the nite i kill myself.

    suddenly the ustream hes streaming from is interesting.

    sad that thats what it takes.

    crazy thing about reality tv and super dooper reality internet is people seriously dont believe that real people can talk in a real way to other real people.

    maybe they dont believe it because even real people have a hard time talking in a real way to other real people

    lost taught me a lot last night.

    great lessons like “let go”, whatever that means.

    lessons like, if all of this is probably a test, are you passing?

    problem i have with life being a test on Lost is, why pick the great looking doctor to see what mankind would do on an island

    odds are hes gonna take care of the people.

    the real test is when the real people get tested.

    for example, the brothas.

    where were the brothas last night on the finale? they had tests. they took some real chances in fact.

    good thing nothing is true on tv neither.

    and good thing you dont get into heaven based on how you played this game else id be tossed in the firey furnace head first.

    good thing its all about the grace of god.

    many parts of the critical parts i have about myself believe it or not (and you shouldnt) revolve around the rise and fall of the busblog.

    for example am i speaking real, and can i even possibly speak real, especially as real as many of you know i can speak.

    and im not saying that what i say or how i say it matters in the grand scheme, but all the stuff that happens to me – shouldnt it be documented somewhere?

    and if not here, then not at all? of course not.

    then where?

    secret blog. duh.

    i will put weird pictures and interesting quotes on here though.

    for example a reality star was just on a talk show and said

    girls want our superheroes, not our boyfriends, to come quickly.

    maybe here i’ll just post beautiful lies.

    for example, what if secretly i never wrote any of this stuff at all.

    what if secretly all of this was ghostwritten

    by someone right under yr nose.