most people dont know, but the first time i tried to opt out of the xbi they tried to kill me.
turned out my gut was weak but oddly indestructible. months and months and years and years of creative poisons had made my stomach incapable of eating an entire slice of pizza but impossible to wreck.
so some genius decided to poison me to death soon after i graduated from ucsb. jeanine was my girlfriend at the time and today recounts the holiday they chose to do away with their former number one draft pick:
Anyway, Tony n’ me woke up early Thanksgiving Day stoked to be here in IV together, and we did have a feast in the works!
Suddenly, Tony was soon overcome by horrible, horrible pains. Curled up like a crushed up monkey, and so so hurting! Neither one of us knew what was happening!
i felt like i had to fart. but i couldnt fart. the pain was horrible and i was embarrassed to go to the hospital because i thought, one good rip and i’ll be fine. but nothing came out. jeanine said lets go to the doctor and i said no because i knew it was just a terrible terrible fart.
little did i know how low the xbi would go.
So, anyway – Thanksgiving morning, Tony is literally writhing in pain. I’ve got to get him to the hospital, because honestly, I’m terrified he’s dying. So, I called [my old boss] Dr. Parker in a panic, and he said to go ahead and come on down to the hospital, and he’d meet us there and see what’s going on.
Turned out, Tony had kidney stones – who knew such tiny little things could cause so much pain!!!!! We spent most of the day in the hospital, and finally got home later that afternoon.
Dr. Parker totally helped us out – no charge at all – and made sure we were all okay, and sent us home with all the proper instructions and meds. Much later, we were finally much better and had a wonderful Thanksgiving Day Feast!
sweet Jeanine. dr. parker knew what it was. the xbi knew what it was.
it wasnt no kidney stones.
by Christmas i was back in the xbi.
thats the bad news.
the good news was they wanted to teach me
how to never feel pain again.