nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, February 24, 2011

    two paths young grasshoppa 

    for the next four weeks (maybe five) i have been given the opportunity to be completely debauchurous or totally saintly.

    its a little dare from the universe. and you know i love dares.

    over the years my inbox has become bloated from weird little offers from fans of the busblog to do this or try that or fiddle with the other. usually i blush, flattered, and turn them down. which isnt to say i havent poked my toe into that tub to see what the temperature was, but even if it was fantastic, deep down im just a catholic lad from the midwest.
    but now might be the time to dive in for a lil bit.

    or i could go the way of the zen monk and shave my head (check), take off my shoes (check), and purify my soul (um).
    believe it or not but i did some of that ground work this past weekend in the desert. the heavy lifting, as it was. and now i feel stronger than ever and im filled with a confidence that i havent had since i was hitting all pistons back in LAist.

    friends, for quite a while i thought that my mojo had been stolen and either because of age or bad luck or voodoo i wasnt ever gonna get it back. i was a rudderless dingy out in the open seas. i was going to die the way of a coward and loser and phony baloney.

    but out in the distance i saw what appeared to be a light coming from a lighthouse. and as i made my way closer to shore i was able to land my crystal ship and see what there was to see. and there were two paths the easy and the difficult.

    the latter could bring death. the former could bring a chicken exit.

    you’ll never guess which i chose or what went down but im telling you im stronger than ever so it probably had nothing to do with being chicken.

    like in most things in life a tradeoff happened. and although i am sad for the price i had to pay, in the long run erryone is probably better off. plus i got to prove to myself and others that i really still have all the chutzpah, moxie, and soul i sometimes pretend i have.

    and now that i write all of this down im starting to think the quiet spiritual cleanse might be exactly what would fit me right now, because the punk rock of last week may have been enough.

    all i know is tonite i get to go to the gym and eat magic sushi with karisa afterwards. a reunion of sorts cuz i dont think ive seen your pal karisa in an entire month, if thats possible.

    cue x’s see how we are

  2. blue swan 

    a little window of Something opened and allowed me to see into the future.

    there i saw ali.

    el scorpio.

    who drinks whiskey out of the bottle

    and who blows minds for a living.

    sometimes the Good Lord looks directly at you and when you look away says come on man.

    if we’re lucky ali’s what He sees when we look back.

  3. Wednesday, February 23, 2011
  4. all i wanna do is be nice 

    but no one wants that.

    they want the edge. they want the darkness. and they know i can deliver.

    they hope i have something up my sleeve.

    they hope i have a nice tv and a scythe,in las vegas

    they see the monkey and wonder if it can weild a sword,

    they see the rope and hope it comes with a divine hammer.

    every time.

    but i just want to love.

    i want to warm the red carpet with my light.

    i want to clear a path with a laugh.

    but this candle is flickering from the barely open window.

    and then so quickly, extinguished


    and then out.

    like seacrest.

    these sorts of things once upon a time would have discouraged me.

    i would have been heartbroken and gloomy. i would have done something reckless and stupid.

    i may have even temporarily given up on what brought me to that moment.

    i might have even discounted the beautiful dance i took part in as i was fighting for my life.

    but one of the nice things about being as old as dirt

    is knowing that any minute


    can change all over again

    so keep yr seatbelts fastened till this ride comes to a complete stop.

  5. Tuesday, February 22, 2011
  6. Tracey from Canada asks… 

    from canada

    i forgot to ask you a question. Are we still blog friends anyway?

    Canada, whats with the insecurity? and who cares if america is friends with you? all we’ll do is pollute your air and impose our empirical ways on your natural springs.

    but seriously unless you have done me wrong in ways that are obvious and dramatic and bizarre and clearly mean why wouldnt i want to be blog friends with you? especially if youre creative and writing every day and trying new things and attempting to push the medium? doesnt everyone want to be friends with those people and not friends with the former?

    some people want drama. i get that. and im not judging. but i dont. im boring. i just want peace and love. like ringo. its from that place that im at my most creative. my mind can be clear. my thoughts can be pure.

    i know i wrote some weird ass ish when ive been depressed or tortured or surrounded by the nonstop action of the xbi but id rather have just been in the bleachers in the dog days of summer with my shirt off  with a few friends betting on which infielder would touch his junk first.

    dont be fooled by the trappings im a simple man.

    and for you tracey, who i have always admired in many ways, especially your ability to dream out loud and show the world all the places youd rather live, which, if i read properly, would be the 70s, i will tell you this short little story about yesterday when we were checking out of the Palms.

    if i have learned one thing in life is this: some people you can buy off, some you can rent. but sometimes when you give them too much money it defeats the purpose and instead of having their silence in your back pocket, a few dead presidents can open their mouths wider than you intended.

    phoned up the bell boy. we had like 8 bags 14 floors up. we were exhausted but motivated to bail for LA.

    dude arrives and i noticed a scar that you may not have recognized but if you had been in the xbi youd have seen a mile away.

    i put the $5 bill back into my swimsuit shorts and pulled out a $20. why? because i have a notifier on my car that screams xbi and i knew the bell boy would see it as soon as i lifted my trunk.

    bro took the bags, we met him downstairs, the car is pulled around, the trunk is raised and instead of him saying something about the car he spotted something inside the car that had fallen out of bag: a small bag of perfectly wound 550 cord used typically by paratroopers, spies, and oh someone who may have flown a black helicopter occasionally known as chopper one.

    chatty mcchatty goes “hey who’s 550 cord is this?” as if we were not in las vegas, a wonderful town, but swarming with those who lets just say have ended up on the ass end of some 550 in their day at the hands of the xbi.

    i lowered my sunglasses to look at him. he didnt get it.

    “go on any interesting missions when you were in the service?” i asked to give him a hint.

    “yeah i was supposed to go to kabul but i broke my back.”

    i tried so hard to just nod and keep loading the trunk.

    and then he saw the identifier.

    and whispered


    and i looked at him without smiling this time.

    and he shut the hell up.

    i have enough drama in my life.

    i really just want peace & love now.

  7. lets talk about the craziest thing i did this weekend 

    at the cosmopolitan


    tony here.

    back from the valley of the dead.

    right up the charts and straight to yr heart.

    even though im fairly sure i had a great time, i have zero recollection of what went down.

    i do have photographs, but most of them are blurry and the other ones barely make sense. but i do remember one thing that happened. and its omg True.

    the reason i remember it so clearly is because it happened monday evening. yes, less than 12 hours ago.

    it could be the craziest thing ive done all year, and friends, ive done some interesting things this year, trust me.

    the craziest thing i did this weekend was drink a mini bottle of 5 hour energy and then got behind the wheel with a can of Coke.

    i have no idea whats in 5 hour energy. does anyone, really?

    all i did know was i needed about 5 hours of energy and every respectable liquor store in barstow had rows and rows of the stuff.

    so i bought it, drank it, and got back on the road.

    two of the coolest girls you’ll meet were in the car and it was my duty to get them home safe, for i doubt they had 5 hours of energy left in them neither.

    then the craziest thing happened. in minutes i had 5 hours of energy.

    one reason i love the new car is when i need it to respond, it does.

    where ya wanna go tone? in front of everyone this second? k.

    here it is 240am and im dancing in my bedroom.

    second craziest thing of the last 12 hours.

    i love you all and wish you the best on your travels thru this thing prince calls life.

  8. Monday, February 21, 2011

    death in vegas 

    i havent eaten much.

    thats about all i am at liberty to discuss in detail.

    things are going to stay here.

    some amazingly dark things’ll stay here.

    not the least including two times when i could have died or at least become seriously injured.

    the entire time i was laughing.

    one may say i laughed at death.

    those are some of things that you probably should never talk about again.

    even in a blog where nothing is true.

    even in a world where when you die you go to heaven.

    whose to say that this isnt paradise: the weather? the traffic? we could be in a place that doesnt have those things. truth is we barely even visit those places and then when we do we complain about this or that or the other.

    would we complain in real paradise? would we laugh at life?

    all i know is theres flashes of paradise in our worlds a lot.

    little miracles of beauty,

    some of which we deserve.

    like whats the ratio of pants to no pants in your world right now

    and how are you dealing with it?

    how will you deal with it later?

    dont laugh at death from fear

    laugh to welcome the party

  9. Sunday, February 20, 2011

    ask tony answers to your dreams 

    in las vegas

    adriel asks: i am confused by the comment thing…wondering if i can use this on my blog? oh wellsies. anyway, i was just thinking the other day that i wished for an ask tony and now i can’t remember what it was!!!! aaah!!! so…um…I’ll be in Haiti on my birthday in april. not the usual birthday hijinks. what should i do?

    do whatever you want just dont hait it.

    Matt Welch asks: Hey Tony, are you gonna meet me at Margarita Tuesday at Malo next week?

    i will go cuz youre there and ive not seen you in many moons. but malo is played out in my mind. $4 tacos are fine if youre in an airport but in the midst of LA i just dont see what their added value is. what are they offering. plenty of taco huts around los feliz silverlake. is it the beautiful people? is it the stiff drinks? is it the outside part. the outside part i can live with. in fact the outside part is usually my favorite part of restaurants that serve booze. somewhere we protected our rights for anyone to be able to have a gun but we flinch when people wanna drink while being outside. but malo has the proper paperwork i suppose so people are allowed to eat their tacos and have beers and marguritas and alls good in the hood i suppose. but id rather be at midnite tacos. where prtty much the whole thing is an outside part. but yes tues it is, and bring your bundle of joy, aint seen her!

    timmmmay wonders: cubs at fenway in may … want me to get you tix?

    ive only been to fenway park once. it was near the end of the season. the sox were out of it. they were playing a team that was second to last. any other park that place would be empty. only reason any one would be there is cuz their company bought a block of tickets before the season. but that night people were cheering on every pitch as if it was the world series. it made me appreciate the red sox fans that much more. so yes i will gladly take any tickets to see my cubs break the hearts of so many massholes who live and die with each pitch as if it means something.

    Kingesq007 asks: Are you and Raymi still friends?