busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, June 29, 2011

    i follow Capt. Morgan on facebook 

    today he asked “Tell me something great you did today. Let’s raise a glass to you.”

    these were the best ones.

    Dena Kennedy At 37 while all the kids were on break at the pool i totally rocked a double front flip . . . . .

    Jimmy Robbins made it thru another shift without sticking a pen in anybody’s neck.

    Jenelle Hehman I went down in the crawl space for the 1st time and turned on my own sprinklers.

    lison Sarah Hungry I got out of bed. End of greatness.

    Paul Ubaldini i helped an AMERICAN Veteran

    Trish Neal San Diego Zoo. And then got drunk

    Michael Stein ‎120 degree weather with body armor… I need a drink!

    Sean Hochreich I held the fn Stanley Cup :)

    Patrick Larson I “graduated” from my anger management classes! CHEERS! LOL!

    Megan Zegers I ran a 5k without walking for the first time in my life!

    Dan Cawley i shaved my neck beard off today

    Dana McHenry I farted loudly in the library.

    Continue reading “i follow Capt. Morgan on facebook”

  2. Tuesday, June 28, 2011

    titus angrgoghghgksh is my favorite new band 

    truest and i went to see titus androgynous play with overkill river

    at the wiltern, last week.

    truest’s foot was bothering her from kicking this bank robber square in the buttocks

    so i got us balcony seats.

    for some reason we were exactly on time and got to see titus’s complete set which is rare for me

    cuz usually i pussyfoot around and miss a lot of the opener.

    im sooooo happy i got to see the whole deal.

    first of all you cant keep your eyes off of em. everyone has something to say and look at.

    the drummer couldnt afford all of his drums, poor chap. aint got any toms.

    just a snare, a high hat, a bass drum, and a floor tom.

    and they are rocking out like the whole time.

    then theres a girl guitar player on the right who looks like bonnie bills

    if bonnie secretly wanted to be a cheerleader in a rock band while playing semi lead guitar

    and occasionally: the violin.

    i held the truests hand and i said i love you.

    i said lets procreate right here. right now. and name the lad titus andrubyoubliss

    they were like tom waits trying to audition for arcade fire while singing pogues songs.

    and i think all the tunes were about the civil war.

    overkill river didnt stand a chance.

    they tried. tried hard. last time i saw them roky erikson was singing with em.

    they needed brian wilson to compete against titus but im not sure even he coulda done it.

    they were like the angry replacements.

    angry cuz they werent drunk maybe.

    angry cuz someone stole some of the drums.

    angry cuz theyve gotta open for someone whose butt they just kicked all over the place.

    we left blown away.

  3. super fish 

    other night ali and i had sushi and talked about this and that.

    peter the waiter to the stars was there and i was all, give us whatever you got

    and he was all “omg youre gonna like this, this is a fish i only saw once when i first started here

    “and once yesterday when we special ordered it for this texas billionaire who we knew was coming in tonight

    somehow we got two, so i was happy when you called to say you were coming in.”

    the fish had a crazy long snout and a tiny mouth

    but the craziest part was this tiny tail that had a stinger on the end.

    most of the fish you did not eat.

    in fact in the photo below you will see five pairs of sushi, one pair is all that fellow produces

    and to be honest it wasnt all that delicious.

    but in the morning i woke up with the most heightened sense of smell

    and my esp was razor sharp.

    if the ponies were running at hollywood park i woulda gone

    but instead i just dominated all over xbox all weekend.

    2ksports baseball.

    i knew exactly where every pitch was gonna be.

    ali said she had xray vision for an hour.

    i totally was gonna play the lotto but forgot.

  4. Monday, June 27, 2011

    im as old as the hills 

    sunday breakfast at the truests

    ive tasted all sorts of everything.

    but fried chicken fetuses,

    ground up pig thisandthats

    and toasted bread with orange juice

    on a sunday morning

    in the summer with your shirt off.

    how you gonna beat that.

  5. Sunday, June 26, 2011

    i cant believe its almost been ten years 

    this blog was started in the sad cubicle of a sad man who didnt have a car so he named his blog after the bus he rode in to work.

    today the man is not sad and he no longer rides the bus in fact he gave his bus pass away.

    so what should he do in a month and a half on the ten year anniversary

    when all signs point to stop the blog

    and start something else.

    seems to me this hay ride has pretty much done everything imaginable

    thus, for a finale, the unthinkable.

    its what gg alin would do.

  6. Saturday, June 25, 2011

    whats in this bowl is not soup 

    its not stew its not curry its not gumbo

    its name: Kang Som Cha-om Khai

    which in English means “I Will Kill You Oh-Yes I Will”

    its served at Breakup Thai, the magical hollywood haunt of the stars.

    when normal people go there and eat even one dab of Kang Som Cha-om Khai

    hair grows on their chest immediately, the price of tea in china rises by 1%,

    and hell gets just a tad more hot.

    its a flavor hidden in heat. and the more you struggle with the spiciness in an attempt to french kiss the delicious taste

    the spice turns into several shades of evil to thwart your mission.

    its a civil war in your mouth.

    they serve a huge egg omelet along with it to cool you off and provide your gut with substinance

    because the hideous deliciousness evaporates on its way down your hole

    Yi Z on Yelp said, “The ‘curry’ had such a foul smell that I couldn’t even swallow one bite. I tried to salvage the shrimp from the soup part of it but the shrimp were already contaminated with the terrible flavor.  After we ate the egg, we let the rest go.”

    but men who have just had their hearts broken will obliviously lap it down

    because tears are the missing ingredient rendering the curry inedible without them.

    and that is the legend of Kang Som Cha-om Khai.

  7. Thursday, June 23, 2011

    Mark asks “Should evolution be taught in schools?” 

    i cant wait to have kids because people tell me it changes how i’ll look at the world.

    i would like to see if thats true

    because right now, i think kids should learn as much as they can while theyre in school.

    im more religious than most people i know, in that i read the bible every sunday and i believe in most of what im reading.

    with that said i dont think God makes imbeciles who cant handle knowledge.

    if anything the bible teaches us that once upon a time people communicated so well

    that we were building a stairway to heaven

    otherwise known as the tower of babble.

    and in order to stop the progress of a cheater shortcut to Paradise,

    the angels had to destroy the tower and hinder the way we talked to each other.

    to me the lesson is: you people are capable of anything if you cooperate.

    a good school, to me, is a collection of adults cooperating in such a way that the kids are enriched.

    my spiritual beliefs are in no way intimidated by scientific theories or even proofs.

    its all God’s magic to me mixed with human free will trying to figure crap out.

    i want my kids to figure crap out too.

    especially the mysterious fine line between science and spirit.

    and Lord knows apes would teach it if they could.

  8. Wednesday, June 22, 2011

    andrea asks “Is it always a good idea to listen to your gut? “ 

    perhaps your gut is different than mine, but i spend a good amount of my day doing my best to Ignore my gut

    my gut tells me to skateboard on the stairs of the LAPD HQ even though in LA such skating is a crime.

    my gut tells me to flip off people who drive horribly.

    my gut wants me to kiss girls who i have no future with and stop the car immediately

    when a restaurant offers “all u can eat”

    for some reason my gut has a chip on its shoulder when it should have the opposite.

    it should have salsa on its shoulder.

    my gut and my heart, although very close, disagree on almost everything, which is why i prefer to listen to my heart.

    my heart neither has a chip nor salsa on its shoulder, it has an angel on it

    the angel is eating doritos, which its gut convinced it to buy at the 7-Eleven along with two Ding Dongs,  a cherry slurpee.

    and also a Mega Millions lottery ticket even though the angel lives in heaven where money is worthless

    the angel just likes to win stuff cuz winning is fun.

    my gut tells me to run away from girls after it becomes obvious that they like me.

    my gut tells me to stay at the blackjack table after ive won several hands.

    its the thing that tells me to double down.

    my heart says youre in vegas, use the money to go see a show youd never see, like Celine Dion.

    my gut tells me the Cubs wont win the World Series until well after im dead

    but my heart says tough luck youre a Cub fan, keep buying their merch, keep rooting for them, keep hope alive.

    my gut just wants to eat kosher hotdogs in the bleachers, drink Old Style,

    and bet with friends as to which infielder touches his junk next.

    my gut has never had a valid drivers license.

    my heart has never gotten into an accident.

    my gut thinks something fishy happened on 9/11.

    my heart only sees the beauty in everything.

    my heart thinks love is the key.

    my gut wants to pee

    in the snow.