not everyone is as luck as i. i understand that.

when i was a kid i was obsessed with toilets. and calling my mom.

age 10 or so id call my mom at work and flush the toilet and hang up.

id see a pepto bismol commercial that would say “for symptoms of common diahrea, use pepto bismol”

so id call diahrea “common”.

as in, hey ma i think i have common.

because i rarely had a balanced meal in college often id carry some pepto in my car.

for the last 4-5 days the pathway through me was swift and clear. nothing stayed in.

was i stressed out about anything? not really: been writing for the Ticket which has been on fire, ive gotten to see the truest a lot.

i was eating properly. but still, 5-6 times a day during work i had to run to the nearest – i stress that word – nearest facility.

i started drinking chocolate milk, eating potatoes, anything weird to see if it would appease the beast.

finally i texted my mom “have had common for 5 days”

she texted me back “call me, asap”.

she suggested Imodium, which worked so fast it was amazing. like it sealed a hole somewhere.

i wish i was a race car driver so i could let them sponsor me for $1 just so i could celebrate their name.

somethings still gurgling down there a day later, but im thinking drinkin might help that problem.

i let you know.

dear tony, how do i get all of my employees to love me?

Hi Tony,

I have been waiting patiently for you to have a “Ask Tony” but you haven’t hosted one for a while, so here goes anyway.

I am manager at a Starbucks-esque coffee shop in Florida (go Gators!) and most of my co-workers are agreeable, but not all of them are into me as their boss.

I think some of it has to do with me being a peer of theirs before I got promoted and now they’re envous.

I’ve watched you rise up through the ranks of blogging and am amazed at what you’ve been able to do with the LA Times.

What’s your secret to having everyone love you?


Hey Mario,

I appreciate your question and I’d like to answer it but there’s someone here who would like to do the honors for me.

Ladies and gentlemen, The Earth’s Sun:

Hi Mario, the Sun here.

Lemme tell you a little something. It doesnt matter who you are, how cool you are to people, or how big your heart is, not everyone is going to be into you.

I’m the damn sun, the giver of life and light, and people say I’ve “burned” them, they complain that “it’s not sunny” when clouds cover me, they even say I give people cancer.

I’m just sitting here! Minding my own business! Helping their plants grow and such!

Every day I get up and do my job. Every. Dayum. Day!

And you know what they do? They gawk at the moon. The MOON! They wouldnt even see that damn thing if it wasn’t for me.

Yet they gasp and take pictures and sigh and say “omg look at that beautiful moon.”

Ever see them say, “kiss me baby look at that gorgeous sun”?

Yes, only when I’m about to peace out for the day. WTF!?

If I was a person I’d get depressed over such things, but I’m the sun, I don’t get to be depressed.

I have a great job, and smart people like me. In fact some of the coolest types “worship” me. So I just focus on them and go on with my life.

I suggest you do the same. Be cool to everyone, do your job, treat people with respect, lead by example, and love everyone no matter what.

Have a happy day!