i need to get some bleacher bum sun shine next

i had some hollywood poolside sunshine today and it was pretty great.

super great. actually.

this european lady, frickin runway model type. not an ounce of plastic, sunbathed topless right next to us.

the bartender was asked by security, what should i do, theres kids around.

the bartender looked around, there were 20 hipsters, 15 models, and three kids.

bartender said, let me investigate.

finally the maitre-d (because there are those types of people in hollywood, poolside)  sat me and my former coworker in the chaise lounge/bed next to her

so the whole time i was looking at my friend and miss italy was just right over her shoulder

adjusting, applying oil, all the things women magically know how to do at the pool.

the kids didnt seem to mind.

nor the men floating by on little rafts. very casually.

life is a cabaret, old chum.

come to the cabaret.

anyways sunday i was at the ball game with my buddy pete. but we were in the super fancy VIP seats by the dugout.

and it was hot. and as you can see from the photo above, like Miss Firenze, when it is hot at a ball game, i take my shirt off.

i wasnt so sure the Dodgers, even though we were practically the only people in the park, wanted topless VIP customers

so i didnt take off my Tsar shirt.

Wrigley, however is a different beast. and i need that beast. soon. as in super soon.

the history of the busblog: part twah – the car the readers bought me

the engraved ipod was nice, the trip to aruba was beautiful, the wishlist gifts were very nice, the second ipod was awesome once the first one broke.

but what i wanted was a car.

true, the irony of the busblog – a blog about a guy riding around LA in a bus – striving to get a car from the readers who obviously liked the bus-themed subplot, was not lost on its author.

still, i wanted to be the first blogger to get a car from its readers, simply because he asked.

problem was, cars cost a Lot of money.

it only took 3 weeks to get $1,000 to go to aruba. but what I learned was, those were all the readers willing to fork over money, and 3 weeks of a pledge drive is super annoying.

to be able to raise $30k to purchase a Cadillac Snoop De Ville, would take some miracle.

i figured if i made a list on the side of the blog with everyone’s name who donated to the caddy fund, it would be a nice little ongoing growing thing.

also any time someone donated id put their name in the middle of a blog post and if they had a blog id link to their blog.

while there were miracles happening because of this blog, the windfall of ridiculous amounts of cash was not one of them. fortunately.

i say fortunately because i always thought people should write, and blog, and art, for love, not money.

and then one day i got laid off at E!

and even though it was a miserable place to work, i was sad, and now really broke because that place barely paid me anything.

alas– i had a friend, basart was his name. he hates; bad grammar.

there i was, jobless. hopeless. and i think he had just won the lottery or cashed in some stock options, or

accidentally found that his gold monocle was solid gold and not just gold plated,

and bought a brand new car with the item.

he had a perfectly good Toyota Sentra he was gonna trade in for a few grand.

but being a huge busblog reader (and also possibly a secret copy editor of the blog)  he knew i could probably use a car as i drove around the city passing out resumes.

so he said yo tone, hows the car fund going? i was all, not bad, if i want a used car, but i want a new car.

he was like, you’ll never get a new car. busblog is good, but come on, aint That good.

so he sold me his Nissan, minus two back hub caps, and i drove around the country to meet and thank all of the readers who had donated $1 or $5 or $10 which turned into that car.

in 2006 i went all the way to Toronto and then Cape Cod, then down to New Orleans and even saw most of the great comeback Da Bears had in Zona on Monday night.

didnt meet all the people, but blogged about the trip so they were there with me.

did i have any problems with the car? yes, but it was compact disc related and it caused me to have to get towed in New York City.

turned out the JVC cd player slash Sirius satellite indash 100 watt stereo deck did not like homemade burned CDs.

If a burned cd got into the player, sometimes it would drain the battery because it would try to spit it out but have difficulty.

murphys law: that problem didnt surface until i was driving around the world. but being a blogger, i took a picture and blogged the sad towing too.

i had that car for 5 years until the xbi permanently loaned me their 2011 SS,

and i gave the Nissan to danielle, yr girl, who currently has it.

whats the deal with ‘nothing in here is true’?


when i was in college i was so broke that at christmas i had no gifts for my friends so i made poetry books at the copy shop.

my poems at that time were pretty dark, and since it was christmas i didnt wanna bum anyone out so on the first page id write

nothing in here is true.

and then everyone would totally be ok with depressing poems about death and the devil and sadness and sex. right?

who cares. to me, that line as a writer extended the simple “fiction” disclaimer that novelists were afforded

and allowed me to get closer to Freedom than if i didnt have it there.

in the big picture writing a little chap book or even a novel is no biggie because few people will actually see it

however a blog is capable of getting a million eyeballs in a day.

strangers sniffing around trying to figure out how the picture relates, whats up with the spelling, the symbolism…

plus theres the relatives, and friends, and coworkers and bosses and future bosses trying to figure your crazy ass out

elmo on hollywood blvdto me “nothing in here is true” is a welcome mat saying welcome to the jungle

enter at yr own risk

i am not responsible for the judgements you choose to project

and so on.

it doesnt always work that way because i still pause before i say stuff because that cautious part of my brain will never die

but its nice to have the disclaimer up there in case you wanna write the saddest poem of your life

or tell the most epicly heroic tale of all.

thats the problem with blogs, if you write the coolest darkest mopiest emoist line and build a short tale around it

all your friends will be omg are you ok? and all you wanna say is, after writing that masterpiece: hell yeah.

and if you write something fairly braggadocios like “you will never believe who has a private jet and where we went this weekend”

people be all omg i hate you now. or omg the environment! or omg brag much?

so like figure skating out goes your sad stories and out goes your happy stories.

thus all you have left is minutiae?

maybe on your dumb blog, but not somewhere where you have the asterisk life preserver of freedom

the draino that allows the creativity to finally flow.

i still believe that writers block happens when people struggle with just allowing themselves to write exactly whats on their minds.

just write it. and if you cant write it in a public forum, fine, but write it somewhere.

i say write it on a password protected secret blog if it’s that embarrassing or personal

but for god sake write it down, not because that “secret” is so great

but because whats after that might be even better.

prettiest girl tonight told me all i want is you

thank god all mighty everything in life is true