nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, September 24, 2011

    acknowledge the peeps who built yr castle or else 

    i learned an excellent little tidbit about the Parliament building in Ottawa id like to share.

    apparently when the building was built the dudes who hand crafted the gorgeous structure were not allowed a place to inscribe their names

    the queen or the king or someone was all, no names will be placed on this building except ours.

    so the rascals dutifully obeyed. no names? fine.

    but no one said anything about faces.

    and now everywhere you look smiling, average, blue collar mini sculptures

    peer out at every one who walks by.

    way better than any dumb name, if you ask me.

  2. Friday, September 23, 2011

    you always learn a little more about the USA when you travel abroad 

    and usually it’s not good.

    for example, most americans believe that anyone who doesnt live in america omg totally would do anything to become americans.

    first off, who the hell are we to even call ourselves “americans”. south americans dont call themselves that, central americans dont either, and our fellow north americans – the canadians – sure as hell dont have the gall neither.

    so the first thing i learned recently here in the great white north is that to be an “american” implies having a certain sense of arrogance from the word go.

    not sure how we fix that, but perhaps we can begin by acknowledging it.

    one thing that made me really embarrassed today was seeing our American embassy here in Canadas capital city of Ottawa.

    everyone else from the Saudis to the Kuwaitis to the British have perfectly fine embassies that mind their own business. but the American one, after 9/11, now has all these huge barriers around it. they even went so far as to abscond two lanes of street so no one could park or drive too close to it.

    the home of the brave, even in canada, has turned super dooper paranoid.

    frankly, it’s embarrassing.

    this is a country where the ambassador’s residence overlooks some of the most beautiful real estate in the whole city and where american flags fly any time someone bigtime visits this beautiful town.

    and yet the one place that is actual american soil is barricaded and looks like a cold, sad prison.

    people in canada play american football, there are baseball diamonds everywhere, and our influence can be seen block after block after block.

    one block id like to see changed is the one around our embassy, and soon, because if you were here and if you were from the States you would probably feel just as crappy about it as i do.

  3. its friday it must be poutine time 

    after i gave the cix some reverse psychology to the groin i skipped merrily down Jack Layton blvd to a truck claiming to be the Best poutine, so i had to check it oooot for my breakfast slash lunch

    for some reason i wasnt expecting nice asian people to serve me the ‘tine but hi there they were.

    men and ladies were ordering poutine with hot dogs or poutine a la carte.

    but one thing i liked was they offered Coke or Pepsi.

    the man told me “coke is for Ontarians and Pepsi is for the Quebecois”

    Best Poutine was pretty good, super melty cheese and very very fast service.

    but the best part about the experience?

    when we walked into the bank where i was to make a “withdrawal” i noticed that i was at a Butt Stop

    i couldnt stop LOLing, butt i did long enough to pose for this photographe

    ok now to walk around and say hi to the london bridges which keep falling down

    cuz fergie etc.

  4. canadas xbi is called the cix – they roughed me up this morning 


    so i had to visit a canadian doctor who wouldnt ask too many questions and who could fix me in 5 minutes

    so that i could exact revenge.

    as that is my middle name.

    tony revenge busblog degrassi pierce iii

    so i went online and O M G look at frickin CANADAS HEALTH CARE, AMERICANS

    not only is errrything free, but you can see which doc is taking Friday off, which doc is busy

    and which doc only has a FIVE MINUTE WAIT!!!

    needless to say i am repaired, refreshed, they even tested me for sexual diseases (passed with flying colours, natch)

    and now i can go back ooot into the world ready to eat some poutine and see what there is to see

    so what have we learned?

    a) Obamacare isn’t NEARLY agressive enough

    b) people who talk trash about socialized medicine should seriously just jet up across the border and omg TRY IT

    c) im staying here forever


  5. Thursday, September 22, 2011

    just got done eating a beaver tail in ottowa, no big deal 

    they kicked us out of kingston for being too loud and not feeding the ducks so we drove up through the forest to canadas capital city ottowa.

    even though it was only a few hours away we first stopped off in belleville to check out the walmart to see if it was any different from the ones in the states, and strangely the Exact same people you’d see at the walmart in the usa you run into at the walmart in canada.

    pretty amazing.

    we bought some bananas and a couple of $5 dvds of films the boss’s daughter hadn’t seen (pulp fiction, caddyshack, the knights tale).

    even though most hotels have wifi, its usually not strong enough to stream Netflix or Amazon so youre better off saving yourself some frustration and just buying cheapie dvds and popping them in when you get bored.

    we havent been very bored but i Had to show this worldly but cinematically-sheltered young lady some of America’s finest exports. today we watched a few minutes of Caddyshack before someone from canadas parliment rang us up and said we should meet them at The Beaver Tail at Byward Market.

    because my mind is in the gutter i thought it was a tad inappropriate to make a first impression via a rendezvous with an elected official at an adult establishment but i went with the flow, cuz who knows, maybe thats how they roll in Canada.

    turned out the Beaver Tail is a place where they sell piping hot long, wide donut type pastries that actually look like a beaver’s tail and theyre topped with chocolate or maple syrup or a variety of delicious sweet things.

    we had lemon and brown sugar on ours and it was warm and mmmmm. they even had cute little bottles of coke to wash them down with which was quite the pickmeup at 10pm, which lead beautifully into a late sushi supper.

    that establishment was called Kinki which was on the ground floor of a four story building. on the upper floors was a gay bar. next door was a strip club. a block away was the American Embassy and a few blocks away from that was Parliment.

    and i was told that Montreal was wild.

    Kinki was pretty good. the salmon was devine and the outside deck was perfectly heated so we could see the happy people come and go down York street.

    btw its amazing how much french people speak to each other here.

    the market area is much bigger than any nightlife bar and restaurant area in LA and it stays up much later than almost anywhere in the states. 10pm was no big deal for many of the dining stops and the locals were not at all interested in calling it a night that early.

    i felt quite at home.

    tomorrow i believe im scheduled to meet the queen, if shes lucky, so ill have to bid adieu a little earlier than id like to. so bonne nuit.

  6. ladies and gentlemen, kfc poutine 

    there are people who ask (somewhat impolitely) “why would you go to canada to eat fast food poutine?”

    as Bud Dry once asked “why ask why”?

    but srsly, i love fast food, i love canada, i love french fries, i love gravy and i love cheese

    thus fast food poutine is a gift from Jah.

    i also love to see what the differences are between American fast food and Foreign fast food.

    whats interesting about KFC poutine is its not a dish they feel comfortable serving on its own

    the only way we could get it in Belleville was to get a Value Meal and pay $2 extra

    as Etienne says “to poutinize the fries”

    so how was it? pretty good!

    KFC fries are mediocre unless they double deep fry the extra wide fries

    those are not the fries we got last night

    we got the skinny generic fries but with KFC chicken gravy and chunky cheese curds.

    which went very well with our chicken.

    and because it was also a Taco Bell i ordered a hard taco to keep it real.

    here we are in Kingston one step ahead of the xbi at the best Residence Inn evar right on the lake and we about to jet somewhere else, so fellas enjoy digging through our garbage

    make sure to lick the bowl

  7. Wednesday, September 21, 2011

    niagara falls?! slowly i turned… 

    boss's daughter at the coffee house

    xbi: Ok Agent, this isn’t funny any more.

    tony: dude i havent been an agent in years.

    xbi: Then why are you trying to marry into the agency?

    tony: whoever you are you need to get this into your thick skull. first of all you need to stop contacting me, i dont work for you and never will. you’re middle class gangsters with equipment you barely know how to use.

    xbi: Agent–

    tony: secondly im 134 years old. and single. i like being single. nay, love it. im not getting married, and especially not to the daughter of the chief of the xbi, a man who would kill me the moment he shook my hand.

    xbi: Lucho doesn’t use that technique any longer.

    tony: how dare you even utter his name! thirdly, shes not even that hot, ask the anonymous commentors of the busblog.

    xbi: We delivered intelligence to Hisshonor that you and the boss’s daughter were wed recently after you eluded us.

    tony: and you are seriously willing to stand by that info? especially considering his current health?

    xbi: Lucho is in perfect health.

    tony: if you utter his name again i will personally end your ability to talk.

    xbi: Regardless, he wishes to meet with you this afternoon.

    tony: trust me, i know, and i will have some gifts for him.

    xbi: Is that a threat?

    tony: sometimes i wonder how they let morons like you in my former organization.

  8. Tuesday, September 20, 2011

    today is my mommas birthday, shes 27 

    born to a canadian man from cuba and a razor sharp african american from pittsburgh my mom soon moved to georgia where things were safe for black folks.

    this was during the mlk days where all black people were given 40 acres, a mule, and lessons on how to make soul food.

    they were also given gibson guitars and marshall amplifiers

    and cadillacs.

    and busblogging boys named tony.

    i love my mom so much its cray cray.

    she has put up with so much over the years and she just keeps smiling.

    other day she texted me saying please call home

    she was believing the things she was reading about the xbi and she was all please dont rejoin them. she was like i know its tempting, i know they have good benefits, i know they’ll pay you a lot.


    which is weird cuz she loves when i have nice benefits and fat paychecks, but ultimately she just wants me to be safe and happy.

    as you know im not a spring chicken any more. and unlike most moms, my mom has never pressured me to have kids or a house or even get a toupee.

    she loves me for who i am and respects my decisions and supports them.

    thats all any child could want. and because of that i will give her anything she wants in return.

    so for this, her 27th birthday, i sent her some niagra falls fudge in the mail.

    love you momma!!!

  9. mcdonalds poutine, a love story 

    mcdonalds poutine

    i have the strangest stomach. it can predict the future.

    but for it to work properly it needs to be fed with a steady diet of fast food.

    trust me, id rather eat fruits, nuts, vegetables and wholesome nutrients, but my stomach is a freaky organ (or is it a muscle – who knows).

    magnets, how do they work?

    anyway a few days back i found myself in a mcdonalds in hamilton, ontario, a place i may return to for lunch or linner later today.

    one thing i love to do when traveling to foreign lands is investigate fast food establishments and see how their menus differ from those i am accustomed to.

    south of montreal i discovered Burger King poutine and it basically changed my life.

    apparently, much like bacon wrapped hot dogs and taco truck tacos, the cheaper the poutine situation, the better the taste.

    thus what better than fast food poutine.

    for those Americans who havent had the pleasure, poutine is a bed of french fries garnished with a tangy gravy and cheese curds.

    mcdonalds poutine

    who has better fries than McDonalds? no one, duh. thus while the BK poutine was fantastic, the McDonalds poutine was just a smidge better because of the fries.

    not sure why but my McDonalds guy in Hamilton went the extra step of putting the poutine in the oven for a quick minute so that the cheese was extra melty much like a piping hot pizza.

    each forkful greeted us with a long string of gooey hot cheese. i had to twirl it around my plastic fork like spaghetti.

    i was in heaven.

    and although my tongue was deeply in love, my tummy reacted poorly almost immediately which meant that there was trouble ahead.

    so we high tailed it to the rent-a-car and got out of there

    right as the unmarked xbi van entered the parking lot.

  10. Monday, September 19, 2011

    funny signs of niagara falls 

    Don’t Jump off your Harley While Trying to See The Falls Better, Americans

    Don’t Pull the Rug Out From Under the Tourists

    Don’t Climb the Look Outs Cuz you Can’t See thru the Trees Anyway, Duh

    Don’t Stare into the Eyes of the Brown Eyed Canadians