id have kids only under a few circumstances

bunk beds

1. theyd be triplets.

2. theyd have to be super funny.

3. they sport adorable hats.

4. they had great british accents.

5. someone was paying me.

but seriously id be a terrible father. i would treat them like servants.

id probably tip them. bring daddy your tip jar. thank you.

itd probably look a lot like how trainers in wet suits at sea world always have a small bucket of fish ready for the dolphins.

expect me to whistle and make little smacks out the side of my mouth.

they’ll most likely kill me in my sleep.

and bury me in a hole topped with those hats.