nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, January 27, 2012

    for my friends who make cakes 

    do not want

    do not want.

    more things i dont want:
    what i have not got.

    i do not want to live in beverly hills where the LA city ambulance
    wont come to my house because beverly hills is in a different city.
    so im moving.
    and making friends with my own damn ambulance company.
    one that will not release my 9-1-1 call to tv stations
    mere days after i went into convulsions because i smoked something thats like weed
    but more of an incense(?!!!!)
    the fire chief said the ambulance didnt come
    because the phone number’s address goes to a PO Box.
    i also dont wanna work at a jail and get laid off cuz
    theyre releasing a bunch of prisoners.
    i also dont wanna be ron pauls campaign manager because really
    how can you feel good about yourself when Everyone who has run
    has been a front runner

  2. her initials were A. R. 

    big family

    i grew up in a neighborhood that was heavily italian.

    i was in sixth grade.

    i knew nothing about nothing.

    i was such a brain dead child that i rode my bike everywhere all day all the time and didnt need water.

    maybe id have a glass of hawaiian punch IF IT WAS THERE

    somehow the girls knew exactly what was going on because suddenly there was a party one night

    we all showed up and there were all these games id never played

    light as a finger, stiff as a board

    crazy bloody mary

    and of course spin the bottle.

    before i knew it i was in a bathroom with one of my best friend’s girlfriend.

    shes the one with the feathered hair on the far left of the photo above.

    he was sick, but there she was in the circle for spin the bottle

    and suddenly there she was in the bathroom with me.

    and she shut off the light

    and my life was forever changed.

    when i got home my mom thought i was on drugs.

    close, ma.

  3. speaking of billboards 

    kpcc over by kpfk

    i work at the npr news station for LA. there is an npr music station on the wesssside.

    and in the valley theres whats called a pacifica news station thats like npr but different.

    that station is called KPFK

    there isnt a rivalry among public radio stations as far as i know.

    to me that would be like arguing about different types of chocolate ice cream:

    omg moosetracks ftw

    nuh huh rocky road for lyfe!

    you two are so uncouth, haagen das silk chocolate is the only reasonable choice.

    however in our really awesome marketing blitz one of our sassy billboards

    just ended up right next to the red walled hq of KPFK, as you can see from the photo above

    as the OC(?!) Weekly points out

    im pretty sure it was a happy accident, but if it wasnt,

    thatd be funny. and itd be funny if we kept it forever :)

  4. Thursday, January 26, 2012
  5. im very disappointed in demi moore 

    laughing gas

    first ashton, and now laughing gas?

    i mean we are all addicted to certain things: drugs, booze, douchebags, blogging…

    but at 49 years old, wealthy to high heaven, beautiful, beloved: and the best you can do is whip-its while sobbing over king trucker hat?

    oh how the mighty have fallen.

    deep down i dont blame demi. i blame ashton.

    demi wasnt dying hard like this with my man bruce willis.

    and i know i know people are responsible for their lives, but to me the number one person who is most influential in your life is the one you get naked with.

    and if that person is letting you slide into a ridiculously stupid dark place, not only is it on you but its on them.

    i thought he loved you. i thought he was your bff. i thought you were “together”.

    or were you really just stopping each other from sexxing others?

    for if you were really together then youd help each other keep it together.

    demi allowed ashton to fully fly his douche flag, which is a fail – we need women to help us!

    and now ashton is clearly the impetus behind demi’s free fall into the hospital. punk!



    you need to get it together, cuz clearly your man is still very much a boy.

    now get outta that ER bed and rise like laz

    and much hotter laz

    and quit letting the ‘bag rub off on your game.

  6. Wednesday, January 25, 2012

    hi LA, do you know i <3 you? 

    great weather for LA

    yep, pretty much yep.

    might have to go outside this weekend since i didnt really last weekend

    on account of the rain and the work and the playoffs.

    there was a time when they didnt have a hype week in between the playoffs and the Super Bowl

    i didnt like that time. i like this time. i like this time almost all the time.

    do you like this time?

    there was a time when things were different and i was taller and stronger and richer and thinner

    and thankfully i keep pretty detailed journals to aid my memory: i didnt like those times much.

    i may have smiled and pretended all was good in the hood. hood wasnt all that.

    is your life a blank slate? is your future unwritten?

    are you writing your present or is something else? like Fate or Life or Destiny?

    i wanna write my present. i dont wanna be tied to anyone elses weirdness why would i?

    but with that said if anna kournikova was all, yo tp f enrique lets travel the world in 2012

    i could be tempted.

    but i dont know if i have that many vacation days accrued


  7. Tuesday, January 24, 2012

    this is all i came to do 

    j mascisi think people should rock the mic more

    i think people should hit the gas more

    i think people should try new hairdos more

    i think people should say one extra nice thing each day

    i think people should love themselves more

    i think people should give two bucks to the poor more

    i think people should consider possibilities more

    i think people should trust a little more

    i think people should say i love you mom more

    i think people should consider peace more

    i think people should say thank you black man more

    i think people should practice guitar (behind their back) more

    i think people should try new restaurants more

    i think people should say f u popular concepts more

    i think people should make it rain more

    i think people should read charles bukowski more

    i think people should do things that freak them out more

    i think people should meditate more

    i think people should take the long way home more

    i think bad drivers should die


    omg right?! 

    just when i thought this thing was played out,

    they did one about the city i love.

    cant wait for the S*it People Say in I.V.

    because everythings better animal style.

  9. im wearing a dress shirt today at work 


    because we are finally gonna announce our new VP.

    i think its gonna be sass.

    she has the greatest life. for the last few months shes been in NYC

    right now shes in South Beach. i think soon she will be back here in Hollywood.

    who doesnt want that sorta life?

    strangely if you read her secret blog, she doesnt want it.

    she wants to meet a nice man, settle down and stop living out of a suit case.

    me, if i was a smokin hot young girl with a closet full of party clothes id totally embrace the jet setting suite lifestyle

    but i guess the grass is always greener on the other side of the ipad.

    anyways hi sass!

  10. Monday, January 23, 2012

    i used to be so fun 

    ting tings

    you shoulda seen how much fun i used to be.

    i think my fun was in my afro.

    trying to get out.

    maybe im my funnest at work where things are going a thousand miles an hour.

    today i worked late, i was only in one official meeting, yet the day sped fast.

    good thing i had a boston market chicken pot pie for lunch with a side of steamed veggies.

    what did you have for lunch today?

    you know we just dont talk any more.

    i say my blah blah blah and you say your blah blah blah.

    this space used to be the honesty hq despite the nothing in here is true blah blah

    i was so busy i even made an international phone call.

    i was so busy i had to take a sexual harassment test online for TWO HOURS

    which had some pretty funny examples of men behaving badly (and women).

    i actually did learn a few things about the law

    but i love how PC the online quizzes were. if you were wrong, instead of saying WRONG it said

    There is a better answer.

    baby theres always a better answer.

    likewise, i could be funner.