speaking of death and dying, a year ago i nearly died


but these two angels in vegas saved me


the next day we saw the black keys play at the cosmo

and it was all a beautiful dream half because i wasnt dead

and half because i wasnt afraid to die anymore

because when you die beautiful angels pour you whiskey.

and take you to an all u can eat buffet

where you really cant eat anything cuz its sorta heaven and sorta not.

it wasnt the first time i was thatclose to death.

the xbi makes sure you have a few near life experiences so you appreciate things.

its like how they shoot you a few times so you arent scared of gunplay.

just call the scars shingles they advise you.

but heres the funniest thing about nearly dying last year in vegas

on presidents day weekend right before seeing the black keys

that monday on the way outta town i was pretty exhausted from: vegas

so while filling up the camaro i bought and drank a 5 hour energy drink

and for a good 9 hours my brain was on fire.

that – was worse than dying.

to celebrate that today is Kurt Cobain’s 45th birthday, heres the first chapter of Stiff

“i knew i was in trouble when i saw kurt cobain at my front door”

hey buddy.

uh, hi, kurt.

i dont really know how to say this to you, so i’ll just come right out and say it. youre dead.

pardon me?

ok, let me put it this way, knock knock.

heh. who’s there?

not you, because you’re dead.

can i ask you a question?


good, am i on acid?

no, youre dead.

how did i die?

i can tell you, but then i’d have to bring you back to life. ahahahahaha. sorry, little joke we tell.

what’s this hole in my chest?

thats where you were stabbed with a knife.

who the hell would stab me?

lots of people. there are those who are jealous of your hits. there are all the dads of the babes you kiss. there are the sisters of the babes you kiss. there are the politicians who fear that you might go to law school and then run for office. theres bud selig, dick cheney, bob costas, joe buck. sox fans. or any of the hundreds of criminals you sent to jail.

you know whats funny, kurt, youd think id be sad, but im not sad.


but i will miss all my friends.

they’ll probably miss you too.

and i love the people of Earth.

theres people of Earth where you’re going.

yeah, but i liked life.

you did? you were always bitching about it. you were never satisfied with any of the girls you got. you were never pleased with where you lived or what you did for a living, or what you looked like, or what you wrote, or who you were. dont bullshit me, bro.

hmmm. i did like rene.

mayortoo little, too late, cubfan.

and i liked living on del playa.

youre going to a better place.

i am?





hey i got in and i broke some major rules.

thats right, you killed yourself.

major faux pas, let me tell you.

how did you get in after something like that?


whats that?

Grace of God. thats how everyone gets in.

what if you were super good?

doesnt matter, without the GoG you dont get in.

so, like, mother theresa?

God isnt crazy about the Catholics. little known fact. especially the ones who know better. they disobeyed the very last line in the Bible, “dont add anything to this text or else you will get all the curses written herein on your ass.”

thats not exactly what it says.


damn, kurt, even in your afterlife you’re controversial.

ready to hit the road, pallie?

wow. im really dead?

dead as grunge.

and i have to leave this apartment behind?

you can haunt it if you want, but scaring people becomes dull. it’s pretty easy.

but its sorta messy, i’d hate to leave a mess.

trust me, dude, people are going to make a fortune eBaying your stuff. youve got some great shit here.

yeah somewhere in here i have a ticket stub from your last show in LA.

not anymore,

kurt cobain said and flashed me the stub and tucked it into the breast pocket of his raggedy flannel.