xbi was all we hear you wanna go see the clippers

clippers tick tock they never stop.

for a while they worked their way in your dreams to subtly influence

never expecting that the mental jujitsu they taught you as a kid could be used against them

to end dreams.

but hell yeah i wanted their tickets to the clip show

cp3 to blake

lob city


parking pass

“no strings attached.”

crazy thing about the clippers game is its crazy.

a bombardment to your senses at every moment.

if the game isnt run n gun slam dunking behind the back passing

clippers last minute shot over jail breakers

its cheerleaders and dancers and little kid dancers and half court contests

commercials and djs and kiss cam

and 10 year old boys taking off their shirts next to their proud mommas

xbi section is where they serve you sushi at yr seat superfast

so you dont miss the tshirts flying the kid ripping off all his jerseys

the black dude dancing in his seat, the drum line banging on the court

the old lady kissing her old man and then high fiving the kid infront of her

xbi likes to poison the ginger.

they slipped me a phone

today i mailed back the ringer.

the new madonna record is better than the new ting tings record

motorhead shiraz dont you find that odd?

dont you think that when youre young and impressionable you should be more creative and fantastic?

maybe madonna has more to prove. maybe madonna has more help. maybe madonna is just a little bit better than yr average bare.

im gonna see the los angeles clippers play basketball tonight.

there are so many things i have to do before i get to do that. mama mia.

i have to write like 5-6 more blog posts for work. im covering for some writers.

i have to shave my march beard off.

i have to eat a lunch consisting of more than wheat thins.

i have to write like 5 people emails.

have i mentioned i have the greatest tax man of all times? fyi?

the other day i got this scary letter from the IRS saying i owed $8,000. if you havent noticed, the busblog doesnt have ads, so how was i supposed to scrape up an extra 8 gs? instead i went to H&R block and met a pleasant gentleman named Walter Huberwald who not only made it so I didn’t owe no $8,000

but i would be getting close to $3k back.

he said the gov’t may ask me to pay a small penalty.

yesterday i got a letter from the state and yes i owed a penalty:


God bless you Walter.

you will be getting a bottle of red very soon.

tony, you old, have you learned anything lately?

swimmingomg so much. we should number them for fun.

1. my mom after all these years still doesnt understand the line “nothing in here is true”, a line i wrote for her specifically many moons ago so she wouldnt be worried when i penned sad poems in college.

2. either George W. Bush didn’t have much to do with gas prices or that muslin Barack O’Bama is a secret oil baron.

3. the Cubs will go all the way this year.

4. girls love me for my body as much as for my mind. so i better keep working out and eating right.

5. mad men is over rated.

6. if you accept a fancy car from your former undercover superhero employer, there will be no strings attached.

7. sleep is unnecessary once you get old enough.

8. once girls kiss me, they’ll do anything i say and understand my every well-meaning intention completely.

9. it’s ok to cut the strings from Directv even though we’ve had such a long and beautiful relationship together.

10. you can buy a baseball team, drive it into the ground, have control of the team wrestled from you by baseball, divorce your wife, be forced to pay her over 130 million earth clams, enter into bankruptcy, and still profit to the tune of over 800 million bucks. and you get to keep some of the parking lot profits forever.

11. kids like movies about other kids starving and then killing each other as long as theres some subtle romance in there.

12. books are underrated.

13. true love will find you in the end.

todays my neice’s birthday. shes 47.

neice maybe the reason the lord hasnt blessed me with a child of my own is because i feel like the little ones are here for our entertainment.

thus when i saw a sign like the one pictured i was all hey you whatever your name is, go stand over there and lets see if youre allowed to go on the ride.

when she got there i was all hmmm. are you standing on your toes?

can you brush your hair up a little higher?


im sure she spit in my beer later that night while i was driving us home.

which is why i love her.

shes definitely a pierce

or a smith, or whatever she is.

and im positive that if im not killed by an ex-love in the middle of the night while im sleeping,

my beautiful niece will purchase a gun

or finagle a trap door situation

or simply hire a nice gentleman professional

until then i hope she knows i love her

and i hope she has a very special birthday today.

theres very few things on my walls

dont forget

but theres this.

the xbi messes with your memory. they wanna control what you think.

they know how flawed that is, but they try. god bless em.

they know that we are all little sponges and if people say mean things to us all day,

we’ll be affected. and if people say nice things all day, we’ll go cray.

and think that we are these all perfect unions.

the first thing the xbi snips out of your brain is Confidence.

they replace it with the ability to feel no pain.

its quite a trade-off and you can pretend that you are confident all day

in fact many of us mask it beautifully, but we’re faking.

and because of that, any time we see each other we say something super nice like

you have the most beautiful {fill in the blank} my oh my.

and they’ll return with “damn tony, have i told you how much i love the world famous busblog?”

and then we can go on saving the planet.

i used to have a zillion things on my walls so i can remember things.

because they work real hard to erase many of your memories.

oh ive already said that?


wow i know a lot of people who have birthdays today

nice birthday bro

theres courtney, carries bff, who treks from canada each year to see coachella

theres jacob, clipper fan, who asks, justly, why should we vote on tuesdays

theres jimmy, the LAist sports editor whose bf plays on the yanks, but its ok

theres meredith my former boss who hired me for the times and now runs cnn.com

and then theres angela, the first girl i ever kissed, so many years ago, but it feels like yesterday

happy birthday to all my aries friends.

may all your birthdays be better than kirk cameron’s 41st.