Fritz didn’t say it would be like this but while the weathercaster was explaining
how people should go to the NBCLA website and enter to win a new iPad
he announced the day’s winner
perhaps that John Melendez is different than the former howard stern intern Stuttering John
who Jay Leno stole from the show without asking howard
so as to become the Tonight Show announcer
(even though Jay forced John to tape his announce so as to avoid any stuttering)
but how many John Melendezes are there?
this has to be Stuttering John. in which case. co co co congratulations!
even though Los Angeles is glitz and glamor (ha) and where all the celebrities live,
in many ways its got a lot of
small town flavor.
for example the local heroes in LA
are just as quirky as those in your town, i bet.
theres a woman named Angelenye for example who drives around in a pink corvette.
you feel like you saw a leprechaun when her car glides by
or if you see it parked somewhere.
theres melrose larry green who used to hold signs on melrose
dumb signs like “i know jimmy kimmel”
but if you see him you remember oh im on melrose
rodney on the roq despite having a high voice
is one of the most important djs in the nation
having first played pretty much all your favorite bands over the last 40 years
and when you see him noshing at Canters deli you’ll be starstruck
theres the $5 guy in Silver Lake, Zuma Dogg in City Hall,
but the city’s newest local superstar is this big ass rock thats slowly
as in SUPER SLOWLY making its way through LA on its way
to the county museum on Wilshire Blvd
where it will magically levitate above the ground: its art!
how big is the rock: 340 tons. TONS I TELL YOU
its taking several trucks 11 days to carry the rock 105 miles to the museum.
the rock is so big that when it is carried down a regular road (instead of the freeway)
they have to take the stop lights down.
it could be the craziest thing ive ever seen here and ive seen riots.
whats crazier still is people are losing their marbles over it.
they love it.
they cant take enough pictures of it (even though its wrapped in plastic)
and the news media cant stop reporting on it.
i live pretty close to the museum so when it starts levitating
i will take pictures for you and share in this mayhem.
until then, rock on
maybe i’ll be alive, maybe i will be in the cold, cold ground.
if im alive perhaps i will jump into the Chicago River
i might kiss everyone around me
i may get naked and run the streets like a crazy person.
i may flip over cars, light them on fire, and dance ontop of them
like i just dont care.
and i know beggars cannot be choosers.
and i know you shouldnt look a gift horse in the mouff.
but please Lord. please God Above
if i may ask for one thing
one minor detail to this beautiful dream that Sony Playstation gave to us in this commercial for an inferior video game presented:
when the Cubs win the World Series. something they havent done since 1908
please let it happen during a day game.
as Ernie Banks said, there are lights at Wrigley Field
remember when she didnt know that chicken of the sea was tuna fish?
remember when it was ok that she sang like a crazy person?
remember how cute she was when her husband nick did the laundry and yardwork
and had his brother come over ALL THE DAMN TIME to watch college sports?
remember when she dated tony romo and wore a pink jersey with his number on it
remember when all of dallas pretty much hated her when his performance faltered?
remember when john mayer called her sexual napalm?
remember the last time she had a hit single?
remember when her sister was caught lip synching on SNL?
remember when her dad was ridiculed for a variety of reasons?
remember when she posed naked and pregnant for Elle yesterday ala demi moore
for no good reason other than hey y’all im buck nekkid
wouldnt you like a reality show called where Jessica
and her sister Ashlee run around LA raising their kids?
maybe they could call it “The (mOther) Simpsons”