tony, you old, have you learned anything lately?

swimmingomg so much. we should number them for fun.

1. my mom after all these years still doesnt understand the line “nothing in here is true”, a line i wrote for her specifically many moons ago so she wouldnt be worried when i penned sad poems in college.

2. either George W. Bush didn’t have much to do with gas prices or that muslin Barack O’Bama is a secret oil baron.

3. the Cubs will go all the way this year.

4. girls love me for my body as much as for my mind. so i better keep working out and eating right.

5. mad men is over rated.

6. if you accept a fancy car from your former undercover superhero employer, there will be no strings attached.

7. sleep is unnecessary once you get old enough.

8. once girls kiss me, they’ll do anything i say and understand my every well-meaning intention completely.

9. it’s ok to cut the strings from Directv even though we’ve had such a long and beautiful relationship together.

10. you can buy a baseball team, drive it into the ground, have control of the team wrestled from you by baseball, divorce your wife, be forced to pay her over 130 million earth clams, enter into bankruptcy, and still profit to the tune of over 800 million bucks. and you get to keep some of the parking lot profits forever.

11. kids like movies about other kids starving and then killing each other as long as theres some subtle romance in there.

12. books are underrated.

13. true love will find you in the end.

todays my neice’s birthday. shes 47.

neice maybe the reason the lord hasnt blessed me with a child of my own is because i feel like the little ones are here for our entertainment.

thus when i saw a sign like the one pictured i was all hey you whatever your name is, go stand over there and lets see if youre allowed to go on the ride.

when she got there i was all hmmm. are you standing on your toes?

can you brush your hair up a little higher?


im sure she spit in my beer later that night while i was driving us home.

which is why i love her.

shes definitely a pierce

or a smith, or whatever she is.

and im positive that if im not killed by an ex-love in the middle of the night while im sleeping,

my beautiful niece will purchase a gun

or finagle a trap door situation

or simply hire a nice gentleman professional

until then i hope she knows i love her

and i hope she has a very special birthday today.