my niece is awesome


my nephew is a left handed slugging shortstop


my mom is trying to get me to go to my sisters house which is gonna be packed tonight

with neighborhood kids and their parents and dogs and babies crying and mayhem

and heat and loudness and no one my age.

kyla snapping the dog

i was all, not one bit interested in going ma.

she was like, the kids love you.

i was all, they should. im ridiculously fun. and i let them sip from my flask.


she said see, you should go play with them. they love their uncle.

i was all, nah. if i wanted to play with kids i wouldnt have tied my tubes.

she was like dont you want them to love you?

i said, love is fleeting.

she said, im going to have to reconsider my will.


i was all, give it to the kids.

college is gonna cost $200k soon.

soon drugs will be legal. they’ll have no way to pay.

give them your fortune.

the phone rang. my mom said, tony’s coming so make sure theres old style.

and now you know where i learned the assumptive close.

a tour of my life

house i grew up at

any time i come home i do a little tour of how i grew up.

it usually starts at the house i grew up in. i like that the new owners havent changed things much.

im curious what it looks like in there. i wonder if the purple carpet is still there.

somehow i doubt it.

i wonder if the basement has been redone.

and of course i think about my room. how is it any different.


today i went past my old pool. it was only 11:30am but shouldnt it be open?

it was close to 90 degrees – its the summer. where were the kids?

next door i got my first kiss. i wonder what that house looks like too.

green valley

when i was a kid this grassy area was a sod farm. about a half mile away was a driving range.

inbetween was a christmas tree farm and stray balls would end up in the tree farm.

id collect dozens of balls and take it to the sod farm and hit balls all around the grass until i lost them all.

10 years ago the driving range moved over to the sod farm and in a weird twist of karma they got all their balls back.

today i bought a bucket of balls and told the lady the story. she loved it.

and gave me a cookie.