my niece is awesome


my nephew is a left handed slugging shortstop


my mom is trying to get me to go to my sisters house which is gonna be packed tonight

with neighborhood kids and their parents and dogs and babies crying and mayhem

and heat and loudness and no one my age.

kyla snapping the dog

i was all, not one bit interested in going ma.

she was like, the kids love you.

i was all, they should. im ridiculously fun. and i let them sip from my flask.


she said see, you should go play with them. they love their uncle.

i was all, nah. if i wanted to play with kids i wouldnt have tied my tubes.

she was like dont you want them to love you?

i said, love is fleeting.

she said, im going to have to reconsider my will.


i was all, give it to the kids.

college is gonna cost $200k soon.

soon drugs will be legal. they’ll have no way to pay.

give them your fortune.

the phone rang. my mom said, tony’s coming so make sure theres old style.

and now you know where i learned the assumptive close.