nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, June 22, 2012
  2. my mom lives in a safe part of town 


    but when we went on a late night walk last night it was amazing how many places she thought were dangerous

    when i suggested we cross the busy street over to the other neighborhood she was all

    oh no no no no, not even in the daytime.

    i asked why

    she said once your niece went there to scout out some garage sales. one said everything a dollar each.

    the niece, 10 yrs old, said nothing was even worth a dollar.

    those people dont even tie up their dogs, i was told.

    so we walked over by an elementary school. i said look at all these swings for babies.

    my mom said, the regular swings are over there. so i said lets walk there.

    she said, oh no, they sell drugs over there.

    i was all, omg i could use some drugs right now!

    but mom ignored me.

    people ignore me a lot, ive started to notice.

    and they pay attention to the lamest boringist yawners.

    maybe that happens to you too.

  3. Thursday, June 21, 2012

    vacationing at my moms house is an interesting dance 

    old style

    i love my mom and my sister and her kids and illinois and all my old friends immensely.

    and as many times as i tell people i just want to do nothing, really truly nothing,

    that dream never becomes reality.

    its a weird thing to want nothing because one day we will all reach that goal.

    but to me, a vacation, or a break, is the desire for a blank canvas.

    once the canvas is truly empty, then you can create something new.

    crying babies dont understand that. adorable relatives and pets and retired mommas dont get it.

    they see crazy ass uncle tony and theyre all, youre so fun in your life, lets have fun now, here. with you.

    i tell them here is what i want to do: i want to watch lots of movies, i want to take long walks.

    i want to drive around the fields of nothing. i want to listen to the FM radio.

    walmarti want to go deep in the heart of the worst part of this huge city.

    and i want to not be who i am most of my life.

    to me thats a vacation.

    i want to drink beer that makes PBR seem like Chimay. i want to stay in my pajamas.

    i want to cruise the web till my hands are sore (mission accomplished).

    i want to read twitter all day. i want to catch up on facebook. i want to go through my iPhoto and start a new library

    because the first six months of this year were strange and unusual and emotional and out of control.

    i dont want the phone to ring i dont want the doors to open and close i dont want the chaos

    and even though i Love LA i dont want any LA for a few days.

    but the weird thing is: you have to read work emails or there will literally be 1,000 of them waiting when you return.

    you have to play with your niece and nephew or they will murder you in your sleep.

    and you want to talk all day with your mom because she is the angel of all things good in this circle of hell.

    last night driving home alone from chicago at 3am my moms car startled me with the most alarming terrible sound id ever heard from a moving automobile. i seriously thought it was going to explode right as i was driving on the expressway.

    i turned off the radio, the airconditioner, my iphone, anything i could turn off. and the strangulation stopped.

    i deduced it must have been the AC that had been hissing and gurgling throughout the day.

    this car only has 116k miles on it but cars in the midwest age quicker, i assume, since they slosh through the bitter cold winters and withstand the super hot and humid summers. its a miracle that they or their passengers make it at all.

    and i thought, if my mom had been driving she would have literally had a heart attack. because i nearly had one.

    stress will find you at any hour or any place or any where no matter how hard you try to avoid it.

    what you resist, persists, the fortune cookie said, which is why i guess people have kids

    because even though they are a non stop never ending faucet of look at me look at me look at me

    so is everything else

    until our mortal coil is unfriended


  4. Wednesday, June 20, 2012
  5. hi first day of summer 


    there are laws that make no sense.

    at the top of the list is the fact that men (in america) can walk around with no shirt on but women cant.

    how is that not sexism?

    isnt that the dictionary definition of sexism? lets see:

    Definition of SEXISM

    1 : prejudice or discrimination based on sex; especially : discrimination against women
    2 : behavior, conditions, or attitudes that foster stereotypes of social roles based on sex

    other day i was at wrigley field. holiest place i know. also, despite its proximity to Lake Michigan, a park that can get hot in the summertime especially if youre sitting in the sun in the bleachers.

    so just like all my heroes: harry caray, bill veeck, and martin luther king jr., i took my shirt off


    but if you’re a woman, you just look on longingly and think about the olden times when women were equal to men.

    people are all up in arms about comedian adam corolla saying something thats sexist, but they’re totally cool with the u.s. government being sexist. not sure i understand that.

    in eurpoe they have this figured out. just like health care. just like summer vacations. just like long lunches. just like the quality of beer. and i dont know about you, but as a proud American, i hate being second to europe at anything. but apparently the lawmakers are all, “europe? lol. as if.”

    sure at first people would be all omg look at that lady with no shirt off. but they said that when they first saw a black man with a white woman holding hands. they said that when they first saw bob dylan with an electric guitar. they said that when they first saw barack obama at the podium that said prez of the world.

    and superfast we got over it.

    i yearn for a first day of summer when all of God’s children, blacks and whites, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, men and women, will be able to join hands and say, let me help you take that shirt off, its too hot.

    and no one will get arrested for a sexist law.

  6. Tuesday, June 19, 2012

    my niece is awesome 


    my nephew is a left handed slugging shortstop


    my mom is trying to get me to go to my sisters house which is gonna be packed tonight

    with neighborhood kids and their parents and dogs and babies crying and mayhem

    and heat and loudness and no one my age.

    kyla snapping the dog

    i was all, not one bit interested in going ma.

    she was like, the kids love you.

    i was all, they should. im ridiculously fun. and i let them sip from my flask.


    she said see, you should go play with them. they love their uncle.

    i was all, nah. if i wanted to play with kids i wouldnt have tied my tubes.

    she was like dont you want them to love you?

    i said, love is fleeting.

    she said, im going to have to reconsider my will.


    i was all, give it to the kids.

    college is gonna cost $200k soon.

    soon drugs will be legal. they’ll have no way to pay.

    give them your fortune.

    the phone rang. my mom said, tony’s coming so make sure theres old style.

    and now you know where i learned the assumptive close.

  7. a tour of my life 

    house i grew up at

    any time i come home i do a little tour of how i grew up.

    it usually starts at the house i grew up in. i like that the new owners havent changed things much.

    im curious what it looks like in there. i wonder if the purple carpet is still there.

    somehow i doubt it.

    i wonder if the basement has been redone.

    and of course i think about my room. how is it any different.


    today i went past my old pool. it was only 11:30am but shouldnt it be open?

    it was close to 90 degrees – its the summer. where were the kids?

    next door i got my first kiss. i wonder what that house looks like too.

    green valley

    when i was a kid this grassy area was a sod farm. about a half mile away was a driving range.

    inbetween was a christmas tree farm and stray balls would end up in the tree farm.

    id collect dozens of balls and take it to the sod farm and hit balls all around the grass until i lost them all.

    10 years ago the driving range moved over to the sod farm and in a weird twist of karma they got all their balls back.

    today i bought a bucket of balls and told the lady the story. she loved it.

    and gave me a cookie.

  8. Monday, June 18, 2012

    any time zulieka blogs, we are all better for it 

    this is the beginning of her post tonight:

    When we argue, about the most inane petty problems you can imagine, I feel that bits of my life are being shaved off, and the shavings are falling through a grill, and down under that grill the heaps of spent shavings make a hell. Ha, we are spending our life shavings.

    it only gets better, read the rest here

    in it she questions whether people grow and change when they are in relationships.

    i know i change. perhaps devolve is the word.

    i know i adjust to whatever the girl has to offer.

    but usually i just get lazy.

    theres date tony who is amazing. but relationship tony is boring and lame.

    when im madly in love i stop writing, i stop blossoming, i just want to sink in to the love and stay there.

    i wanna watch movies at home on the couch. i for sure never wanna go out.

    i wanna just hold hands and find out every nook and cranny of the gf and make that my world.

    its super unhealthy and not every woman is ready for it which is probably why it never works out.

    in life we need balance. a healthy diet. a wide range of outside influences and experiences.

    and some of those experiences are better lived alone – minus the better half. omg.

    but try telling that to some people and you’ll get a frying pan to the noggin.

    anyway i think i change way more when im single than when im partnered up.

    which maybe is a sad revelation.

  9. things my mom says 

    misters in the bleachers

    “we dont have any junk food in the house. what would you like me to pick up?”

    “before you go to the Cubs game, dont forget to bring a sweater. it can get cold by the lake.”

    “i can hear that perfectly” (complaining that the Wiz Khalifa tune “Black and Yellow” is chock full of n-bombs.)

    “i cant believe none of those California girls have gotten you into fruits yet.”

    “don’t you want this light on? no?” flips it on anyways.

    “put that plunger in your bathroom. we’re having issues.”

    “do you want some potato salad to eat as you watch your nephew take his tennis lesson?”

    “maybe when i come back you’ll be finished reading your iPad.”

    “drink some of this apple juice, it expired yesterday.”