things my mom says

misters in the bleachers

“we dont have any junk food in the house. what would you like me to pick up?”

“before you go to the Cubs game, dont forget to bring a sweater. it can get cold by the lake.”

“i can hear that perfectly” (complaining that the Wiz Khalifa tune “Black and Yellow” is chock full of n-bombs.)

“i cant believe none of those California girls have gotten you into fruits yet.”

“don’t you want this light on? no?” flips it on anyways.

“put that plunger in your bathroom. we’re having issues.”

“do you want some potato salad to eat as you watch your nephew take his tennis lesson?”

“maybe when i come back you’ll be finished reading your iPad.”

“drink some of this apple juice, it expired yesterday.”