nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, July 31, 2012
  2. everyones been telling me their dreams lately 

    dylanwhich is nice

    but who am i, joseph?

    since everyone seems to be dreaming, how about this crazy one i had the other day

    i was minding my own business in this crazy field of corn

    best part about dreams is theres no flies.

    but i digrezzzzz

    i was walking in this field and i wasnt able to get anywhere.

    but for some reason i didnt care.

    maybe i knew it was a dream.

    maybe ive never cared.

    and this angel came down wearing a carpet

    looking down at me, not on me, at me

    from an angle.

    and said, dont you know that sometimes

    peoples hearts are hardened to you

    to see what you’ll do.

    and then she went back up to the party

    in the penthouse

    and i kept walking, wondering what ever happened to free will.

  3. today is matt welch’s birthday, hes 24 

    born in the bassinet right next to snoop dogg at the long beach memorial hospital many moons ago on this day,

    matt, like snoop, would maneuver the mean streets of the LBC avoiding the traps of drugs guns and money

    to follow his muse, poetry, which eventually lead to his career as a dj

    but the year was 1987 and white djs were shunned and with his flowing blonde locks, matt needed a new way to express himself

    so he sauntered up the coast to the college newspaper where he heard the most delightful sounds

    typewriters clacking, old milwaukee cans popping open, and young women cooing over the words of

    the whalens, a solomon, a hornberger, a collins, a dude named dylan and oh so many more

    he was at home.

    welch wore dresses and lipstick, opened bottles of wine for the ladies and took swigs for himself

    he pasted up the paper and wrote the headlines and spent a good amount of effort on the 4 sentence weather box

    to tell all the kids in santa barbara that the morning haze would burn off after school

    and then all would be 72 degrees and sunny

    matt would eventually move to eastern europe and (mostly) everyone would follow him.

    his guitar playing had improved and his singing was right on so he set up shop on a bridge and the tourist girls swooned

    and all was well.

    until he returned to america and took to the internet where he insulted the daily newspaper early and often

    they paid him to do it once in a while and eventually they paid him a full time wage

    and gave him an office.

    his beautiful french wife wondered if this was the american dream and it was.

    nice house, nice family, the freedom to be courageous in print, and the idealism to speak truth to power.

    the world tilted and now he is on the other coast doing fancy things like writing books and wearing ties.

    his angels are so deep that even snoop dogg is considering sporting a halos cap but because of gang colors he cant

    welch is thinking about working something out between the bloods and the crips

    so that wont be an issue come october.

    bonne anniversarrie, hippieman

  4. Monday, July 30, 2012

    Pizza Cone day today at work 

    pizza coneswe had just eaten, so we were full

    but what else do you expect us to do when the Pizza Man rings his bell

    on a summer afternoon

    in america.

    i wanted some lemonade and pizza man has some good fresh squeezed stuff

    but its pink.

    men dont want pink


    hey how do you make the lemons turn pink anyhows, one guy asked.

    you dont wanna know, pizza man said.

    sure we do i said.

    he opened up the back of his truck and there they were

    pink people wiping sweat off each other

    and squeezing it into the jug.

    happy? pizza dude asked.

    so happy, i said.

    ordered two cups

    and knew exactly where i was gonna deliver it to.

  5. ri ri oui oui 

    there was a time when all i wore was Vision Street Wear

    there was a time when it was the coolest ever.

    you could get it at Venice Beach.

    even the rip off tshirt place had fake versions of it

    the same way they sell fake Coach bags and fake Rolexes

    imagine that, fake skateboard tshirts.

    jlo got mad this weekend that i was blogging about her

    so she said

    pretend that my name is rihanna

    i was all cats outta the bag baby

    and she gave me that look. that PR look.

    so i was all, ok ri ri

    and we went back to playing Uno

    and sipping on mimosas.

    later i went hiking with her bff, the yoga teacher.

    like me, j,

    i mean ri

    is not the type that gets jealous


    just dont do anything a real blog would retweet

    she said sweetly.

    even though i nearly choked on my mini muffin

  6. Sunday, July 29, 2012
  7. she said i cant make love to you, you’re too short 

    he said too short for what?

    she said if we had children and one was a boy,

    it’s very hard for short men to be successful.

    he said, we’re in hollywood, most successful men here

    are little dudes who look big on the movie screen

    or on the rock stage.

    at first i thought they were practicing lines

    because the dude wasnt even all that short.

    short isnt even the word id use.

    anyways they were hiking. i was too.

    and they went one way

    and i went the other.

  8. there are empty seats at the olympics 

    queen at the olympics in london

    organizers are denying it, but its true.

    and our buddy dan is not amused.

    he’s in London and is doing his best to keep calm and rock on, but come on

    “it really pisses me off. I’m here but you can’t go to a ticket window and buy tickets. they don’t exist,” he says.

    but it gets worse, as it often does.

    “I wanted to go to Olympic Park to walk around and feel the Olympics but you can’t even do THAT without a ticket. and of course, there are none,” he reports.


  9. birth school work death 

    one song you dont hear covered, ever, is
    The Godfathers’ 80s-era one hit bummer “Birth, School, Work, Death”.
    but in my favorite b-side of all time, its right there where it belongs
    right in the midst of a 12-minute medley of mayhem
    which also includes a Terrance Trent D’Arby nod from another song
    no one ever covers ever either.
    “Wishing Well”

    you know what i wish. i wish music did more of this.

    i know it was during a time in minnesota where The Replacements would do
    whole concerts where theyd mush up their tunes with classic oldies
    and not so classic current faves.
    and today thats done but on two turntables and a macbookpro
    but nobody wants that.
    winona ryder dont want it neither.

    god bless girl talk but
    james at 16,
    a video you should just minimize, btw
    and listen to, as if it was an s-o-s
    from a different time
    via a runaway radio station who loves u
    and wants to show you where weve been
    so we can better know where we can go